(Closed) Anyone else feel unjustified resentment toward their FI during planning?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hmm, I think planning in general has turned me into a crazy, moody, emotional person, especially towards my fiance. It just feels as if I’m constantly annoyed by him. I know it’s stress of planning.

… and he really does try hard to do things that he thinks is helping … but I get mad b/c the poor guy doesn’t say the right thing … and I’m like WHAT THAT IS THE WEDDING COLOR A POP OF COLOR … OMG HAVEN’T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION. Lol. 

Post # 4
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I don’t really experience it in the same way…but I’m kind of weird in that I’ll come across an idea I think is kind of cool (but I’m definitely not attached to it!), send it off to him to look at, he’ll say "ugh", and I’ll get incredibly defensive and end up hurt that he didn’t like it.

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

when we first got engaged and i went into "planning a wedding" mode my Fiance frustrated the heck out of me!

he just didnt care about colours, invites, flowers, cakes ect. whatever you want makes me happy was his response

of course in hindsight, before he slipped the ring on my finger i would never had asked him his opinion on the colour of flowers and does he think these shoe straps are nice so sitting back after the blowups i wonder why i thought he would start being interested in this stuff all of a sudden

hence why we threw everything out the window and did a redo – much happier once i lowered my expectations on his involvement

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

I went through that when we first moved in together. THEN I had a moment of clarity….he’s not doing what I want/think he should be doing because he doesn’t know that it’s important to me.
We had a talk, I told him my concerns…he was all "Oh, okay…well if you WANT me to help with cleaning the house before my family comes over, just tell me", okay, there I was all assuming that if we were having guests he would go into clean-freak mode like I do….notsomuch.
Let your Fiance know in a nice (but firm) way what it is you want him to help out with. I know my guy likes to have specifics (vacuum the living room & dust the coffee table). He may just need something specific to do and will most likely be more than happy to do it.
I know what you mean by "wanting him to want to do it", but I also know Mr H enough to know that…well he’d rather go for a ride on his motorcycle when he gets home from work, so if I want him to do something, or help me with something, I know now that I have to ask him…..and he’ll do it…..then we get out our helmets and head out for a ride.

Post # 9
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You know, I struggle with this from time to time.

I chalk it up to being overwhelmed and stressed out by being thrown into a world of things so unfamiliar and unnecessary (in my everyday life up to this point)  that I kind of don’t know what to do.

I know he doesn’t know what to do either. I think guys assume that women have been dreaming of this their whole lives and they’re preprogrammed to know how to align every detail into the perfect wedding without their help. 

 I made sure I told him that this just isn’t the case with me. I made it clear that this wedding isn’t MY DAY, it’s our day, and I will not be planning this thing all on my lonesome (of course I said it in a nice way with sweet smiles and gentle tones because I love him dearly)….and once he knew where I was coming from he was open to help me as much as he can. I don’t expect him to pick out what napkin fabric we should use, but color and style and those kinds of things, we’re deciding together. 

That way the result really is an expression of US as a unit rather than my best efforts in trying to visually describe our relationship with flowers and ribbons. 

 They’ll help, you just have to let them. Explain how you feel. 

When I say that I don’t mean "wail at the top of your lungs if he says ‘that’s nice honey’ without looking away from the tv at what you’re holding up". 

Try to make it fun for him. Find a way to help him understand why this is important. The more connected he feels to the project, the more interested he’ll be. Sometimes I think guys just don’t want to interfere with "our days".

Post # 11
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Haha. I’ve definitely had my cranky moments!

I was trying to quit smoking but that’s definitely going to have to wait until the day of!

Post # 12
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh gosh, well at least you have the benefit of being very articulate about your crasiness, Lexatron!

 

I went through something very similar while planning my wedding–I wouldn’t let anyone really help because it was almost harder to let someone else go forth and interpret my instructions than it was to just do everything myself.  I came to the final two weeks before the wedding and knew that I wasn’t going to be a very fun person for anyone to be around if I didn’t start to lower my expectations of myself and my vision.  Truth be told, if I had been more of a constant hag about details then our wedding might have been more beautiful–VISUALLY. But there’s really nothing you can do about a bride with an ugly spirit and THAT I didn’t want.  I had to rely on the help of others for self preservation (my husband was keen on this idea too as it meant he didn’t have to do everything I couldn’t!)

And I remember more than one occaision of meltdown sobs over dinner saying "I can’t bear all of these responsibilities all on my own" to which I received the response "So why are you?" Damn my husband and his simple clarity!

Post # 14
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Lexatron – I could have written that very same post!!  I am with you 100%!!  I too have 7 bridesmaids and have only had them help on a very few things because I am such a perfectionist and don’t want them to fold something just a tad bit off.  I have also spent hours frustrated with my dear future husband becuase he wasn’t offering his help (but I wouldn’t have let him anyway!)  Now, here we are a mere 10 days before the wedding and I have a huge list of things that still need to be done (DIY things – YIKES!!!).

My advice to you – get those BM’s involved with helping you!  I wish I would have had them all doing something.  If I had, I wouldn’t be so stressed out right now!!!  There’s a compromise that you’ll need to make in order to keep your sanity in the home stretch – it’s letting go of the perfectionism!  Noone else will notice if the corner is a little off (well, noone besides you!).  The girls want to help, let them.  The guy doesn’t want to help, let him off the hook.  I wish I would have!!!!! 

Good Luck!!

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