Post # 1
I know that many women who choose to keep their maiden names face judgement because of it, but I am currently dealing with the reverse.
I am changing my name from Taylor Middle Maiden to Taylor Maiden HisName.
Future Mother-In-Law kept her maiden name when she married. Before we were engaged (in fact, long before we knew we would get married, when I was still in high school) The topic of name changing somehow came up over dinner with their family. Future Mother-In-Law asked me if I thought I would change my name when I got married. I said yes and she said “Oh Taylor” is this very dissapointed tone. She talked about how women don’t need to take men’s names and that they should retain their independence and identity.
Now, years later, after we got engaged, I overheard her telling Fiance on the phone that she prefers it when women keep their last name but with a distinct sigh, she said “I guess you gotta do what you gottta do”
It made me really sad to hear that she was dissapointed that I was taking her son’s name. I consider myself an independent woman, a feminist even, but I want to take my husband’s name. That is what is right for me, and it doesnt take away my identity or make me anyone’s property. I see it as unifying us as a family. Plus, it is way easier to spell and pronounce.
Anyone else face judgement and criticism from people who thought you were doing something wrong by taking your husband’s name? how did you deal with it? It just makes me feel sad, as if she doesnt want me to be a part of their family.
Post # 3
I am dealing with this a little bit. I still haven’t decided what I’m doing, so I might not really be faced with the issue. But my mom didn’t change her last name (and gave it to me and all my siblings as a second middle name) and I grew up hearing her constantly explain why she didn’t change her name and how it was the best thing to do. If I change mine, I think she will be a little bit disappointed. I don’t think she would say anything to me, but knowing her position on it, and growing up hearing that so often, is one of the things making me have very conflicting opinions about whether to change my name or not.
In the end, do what makes you (and FI) happy and don’t worry about what other people say or think.
Post # 4
It’s your business and no-one elses. Stuff ’em if they dont like it!!! I always knew I would change my last name. It’s long and difficult to spell, and it doesn’t fit on the lines for most forms 😛
I asked the office manager if I needed to get any forms in order to change my name on all the work documents and he told me ‘you dont have to do that anymore you know”. I said “I know I dont HAVE to, I CHOOSE to.”
Tell them that, and if they still tell you are being ‘oppressed’ then they are the ones oppressing you with their intrusive opinions!
Post # 5
This really irritates me when people try to tell you what you should do regarding your own name. It’s nobody’s business but your own!
Post # 6
@Bichon Frise: Agreed. I kept my name, but it’s utterly ridiculous to assume that just because a woman takes her husband’s name, that she isn’t a feminist or isn’t independent. For some people the symbolism means something; for others it doesn’t. Some people are attached to their last names; others aren’t.
I do get frustrated when women are *pressured* into changing their names, by their SOs or anyone else, but that’s a completely different situation. You shouldn’t be pressured either way.
Post # 7
Facing judgement and criticism? Yup, I sure am, from my mother.
She has made all of these side comments about me changing my name and that I should keep my last name. I was completely surprised by this, as she changed her name, as has every woman in my family. I know it’s not a societal outlook she has; rather, it must be something personal. I have theories but I don’t think they’re important to answering your question. I’ve been dealing with it by ignoring her comments. This may sound lame, but I will change my FB relationship status and name as soon as I can after the wedding (probably the day after), and then just get right on to legally changing it after the honeymoon. Like PPs said, it’s none of her business.
In your case, I don’t think it sounds like it’s personal or that she doesn’t want you in the family, but more of a societal outlook.
Post # 8
The best response I’ve heard (and the one I’ve used since I heard it) is “How is it more feminist to keep my FATHER’S name versus my HUSBANDS?”
I am also now First Maiden Last and our kids will have my maiden name as a middle name. Feminism is about being able to make your OWN decisions, not having them dictated to you by anyone, even a woman!
Post # 10
Everyone has an opinion about everything. And always will. You have to do what is right to for you, and to hell with what others think or say. That is their problem 🙂 Darling Husband took my name, and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about it! (And let me tell you, we are currently living in the midwest!!!!)
Post # 11
@radishtime: Yes! My MOH/sister actually had the nerve to say to me (in total disgust and in front of other people) that I was “giving up my heritage” by taking my Fiance last name. Nevermind the fact that I don’t have the same last name as my sister (different dads) and my “father aka sperm donor” is a piece of crap I have never even laid eyes on in my life so it is not an issue of perserving our family name or anything. She just doesn’t like my Fiance and had to make a nasty comment. Ignore the haters and do what’s best for you.
Post # 12
I am choosing to change my name to First Middle Maiden Fiance’s. This was entirely my decision, with no pressure from my fiance. I was at work and another recently married bee was discussing how no one could pronounce her new last name, but then again, no one could pronounce her maiden name either. I laughed and agreed with her, as the same is true for me. A single friend gave me a weird look when I said my future name, and said incredulously “Really??? You’re going to take it THERE?” I gave her a sharp look and said “Yes.”
That pissed me off for a good week.
Post # 13
First Maiden Fiance is the route I’ll go. However, my last name is extremely common that it has caused a bit of a headache where I work. The other two people with my last name also has the same first initial, so I’ve been getting their things in my mailbox and vice-versa.
I have gotten a few remarks about taking my FI’s name. His doesn’t even rank in census yet mine is the #220 most common name in the US. When I publish I use my maiden and will keep it that way, but when it comes to just working I will happily take his name to avoid confusion from other coworkers.
Taking your FI’s name does not mean you’re any less feminist as the woman next to you. It’s just a personal choice. Sometimes a girl’s name rings better with DH’s name, and most likely your children will have his name. Nothing wrong with that.
Post # 14
When I talk to my family I do feel a bit like I am betraying them by taking FH’s last name. Also, when I talk to my girlfriends I get a little of the – “why not hyphenate.” To be honest, the thing I am worried about most is moving from an “A” last name to an “M” last name. I am used to being able to go first, I don’t know about this middle of the alphabet thing.
Post # 15
I’m faceing this a bit as well. My mother kept her madien name and all three of us, have her last name. (my two sisters and I). My older sister got maried kept the last name. I’m changeing my name, and they will not stop giving me crap about it. My younger sister claims I’m abandoning the family by changeing my name. Its just makes me nuts, I’m still gonna her sister and my parents daughter just have a differnt last name.
Post # 16
I did exactly as you’re doing an was given the crazy eye when I told Father-In-Law. He just didn’t get why I would keep my maiden name at all since I was taking DHs last name. Some people just don’t get it.