Post # 1
I’ll be 33 when we marry. Usually, I don’t think about it as a bad thing, but sometimes I get down about it. My mother died a few months ago, and I can’t help but think about how she would’ve been there if I’d gotten married younger. I didn’t meet my fiancé until after 30, though. Things happen when they happen, I guess. That’s just one more thing to feel sad about while grieving.
Aside from the grief stuff, I do sometimes feel self conscious about my age for superficial reasons. I felt kinda silly trying on wedding dresses. As much as I like mine, I wonder if I look silly in it.
Also, one of my 20-something friends is getting married in a few months, and I just feel really old compared to her. Before we were both engaged, I didn’t, but now I do. Her bachelorette party is going to be wild and have penis-shaped stuff, and I think that stuff is cringey.
I usually don’t feel unhappy about my age, but this week I’ve been really dwelling on it. I’m sure I’ll get over it in a week or two, but anyone else feel this way?
EDIT: One thing I realized since I wrote this: It’s not so much the number 33, but how I’m feeling that makes me feel old. I’ve aged more than a year since last year at this time, because of her illness and death. I’m sadder and wiser now. I’ve definitely grown and learned a lot in the last year, but talking about dresses, photos, and centerpieces does not interest me right now. That makes wedding planning not that fun.
Post # 2
I can’t say I do, but I am 44. I will be 45 when we are married. I feel privileged to have all these years , a healthy body that works, and look forward to so much more. Things won’t always be this good.
However I have also always felt the clock ticking, so feel it’s important to appreciate every moment. Of course, it’s normal to reflect esp in times of loss, but focus forward , dwell on the good, and take a moment to be mindful and gracious .
Sorry for your loss
Post # 3
Join the club, I’m 34 getting married next week. Fiancé is 37! Neither of us feel that old though.
We’re also way past the party phase so having a very tamed combined dinner the night before (just happens most people are travelling to us so it’s not like we could’ve had a separate party earlier).
Don’t feel silly trying on wedding dresses. 33 is definitely not old by any means.
Another good thing about getting married later – you earn more money and can afford more / better things.
Post # 4
Thanks, you’re right. Except for the money part though. Unfortunately not. missyjz :
Post # 5
First of all, I am so sorry about your mom. That is so tough to face at any age, but please don’t torture yourself with the what if’s.
I was engaged at 30, married at 32. Here’s the thing about your 30’s- you are so much more confident in yourself and your choices and care so much less about the trivial fluff. The friends I have who were married in their 20s were so preoccupied in the matching dresses and the bling and the penis themed bachelorettes. And I feel the same as you do now- cringey. By 32, I had been to enough weddings to know what I wanted, what I didn’t want, but most importantly be confident in my choices, not really care about impressing people, and had the time of my life. Additionally, you are more financially stable, and have a more mature relationship with your fiancé. I’m not saying this to knock on 20-something brides, but the sense of self and confidence you gain between 20 to 30s is real. Embrace it, embrace your age, and have a beautiful engagement and wedding!
Post # 6
Totally agree! When I was mid 20s I thought I wanted a big wedding. Not now in my 30s. Also the friends you manage to keep and attend the wedding are also more likely to still be in your life 10-20 years from now.
And yes having been to many weddings I definitely got a good sense of what I liked and didn’t like (or didn’t care about). That helped with wedding planning for sure!mrs2b70 :
Post # 7
I got married at 33 last year. It’s sometimes weird because I thought I would’ve met him/gotten married in my 20s. My brother and his wife got married after she finished college, when they were 22. They got married about 13 years before we did yet he’s only 2 years older than me. Or I see people I graduated high school with that have kids in high school already. It’s weird. But I learned a lot about myself through my 20s and I’m thankful to have met my husband when I did. So even though I have those moments, wishing we had met when we were younger, I don’t think either of us would have been ready then. Age is just a number. Life is an experience.
And I’m sorry to hear about your mom. Are you doing anything to help process the grief (talking to someone? A support group?)
Post # 8
Thanks for sharing and for the consolation. I have tons of support and I’ve been going to counseling. Unfortunately, even healthy grief sucks big time.
Post # 9
Can I tell you how young you are? My early to mid 30s were the best ages. I was smart and experienced and still looked great. I’d take those years to do again over my 20s. You’re at a great age to be married. Don’t waste time comparing yourself to others. You’re an individual and March at your own pace. As to your mother being there, in a way she is. You carry a piece of her inside you.
Post # 10
I got married in my 40s and I look at it as I had more time to live and make sure I found the right person for me. But, getting anxious about aging is natural especially as you’ve dealt with loss. One thing that’s helped me not focus so much on aging is to realize that one day when I’m in my 70s (if I’m lucky to make it to that age)I’m going to look back at life in my 40s and wish I could be there again. So, make the most of where your life is right now at the age you are right now.
Post # 12
Bee, I am so very sorry about the loss of your mother. I can only imagine how much you must be feeling her absence at this special time.
But, I must ask you; would your mother want you to let your grief manifest this way?
As for the age thing—Bee, I was two decades years older than you are when I married Dh. We made a decision right out of the gate that age was not going to be factored into our equation. Actually, I don’t let age factor into anything. We would do whateverthehell we wanted to do.
Nobody blinked when Dh took me to a bridal fair. Yes, he really did that. And, it was his idea. The woman who greeted us said: “Do we have a bride here today”?; not an MOB. Who cares if it was fake?
I went dress shopping alone. Not a single side eye. No suggestions from the consultant about “mature” brides. She pulled styles that I said I liked. I bought the dress that I liked best.
A sweet aside; a customer about my age was in the store prepping for a vow renewal. Apparently, she didn’t get the wedding of her dreams, so they were going big. And, she was buying her dream dress—a ball gown. This upper middle aged woman was going Full Princess. I love her.
Post # 13
Honestly, I’m less stressed about the age thing now and more stressed about the planning. It just all seems so unimportant to me right now. I do not care what the flowers or the reception hall look like.
Post # 14
Yeah, I really hated the planning, too. I found having to make little decisions all the time to be really annoying.
We found a venue we both really liked and did the package thing. If not for wanting to include my Mother-In-Law, we would have done Vegas.
Post # 15
Wedding planning is ridiculous. It’s also 100% optional. I think you need to give some serious thought to why you are doing this. I married at 22, but I still thought that flowers and dresses were a silly waste of my time. I did all of my wedding planning in literally a day, because I didn’t give a crap about venues or shoes or catering. We invited our closest family, we had one of them officiate, the ceremony was at a park (free), and we went to a restaurant after. I ordered a dress online.
I’m not someone who wanted to spend money on a party. Or time planning a party. It has nothing to do with age. It was just my personality combined with stressful life circumstances.
Stop planning and figure out what YOU want. You can elope right now if you want to. And I also think you might be incorrect when you blame this stuff on your age. You’ve had a traumatic last year, and that’s a part of it. But many 20-somethings don’t enjoy penis themed parties. That has nothing to do with age.
I think you should stop wasting your time looking at dresses if that isn’t your thing. Rethink the traditions.