Feeling weird about my age today

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

thisisaname :  I’m 42, and engaged to be married for the first time. I imagine what you’re feeling is you wished your mom was here to help with the planning and dress shopping. I would feel exactly as you do right now if my mom weren’t here. Just know how you’re feeling right now would break your mom’s heart. She is still with you in spirit, and would want you to enjoy this next step in your life. 

I can tell you at this age, I’m not excited about planning a wedding either. I have lots of twenty-something-year-old coworkers throwing around ideas for me, but honestly I picture being married at the beach, or a courthouse, and a backyard wedding with family. If fiance and I didn’t have such large families, we would be happy with eloping. Maybe that’s something you could look into. An elopement and a quiet dinner between you and your fiancé.

I can relate about how I felt when shopping for gowns. I too had self-conscious thoughts about my age and my wedding gown, but I work out hard, and take care of myself, so my confidence about my dress was built when I tried it on, and realized I loved how well it fit. Just remember: you’re going to look back at your wedding pictures when you’re 80 and wonder why you were so hard on yourself now. You’re going to make a gorgeous bride.

Post # 18
Member
672 posts
Busy bee

I was thinking about something similar today but in reverse. I’m early 30’s, got married late 20’s and had our first (and only) child last year. All my close friends are just now starting to date long-term partners and are getting engaged. Even though I don’t live in the same city as them I feel that if I had just waited I would have people close in my life to experience these things with rather than having to forge relationships with others I barely knew but were in the same stage. Don’t get me wrong the people I’ve met have been amazing but it’s just not comparable to a person you’ve known all your life. You could be any age but if you’re the odd person out, it sucks no matter what. 

Post # 19
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

thisisaname :  that all women everywhere love wedding planning is a myth. I got married in mid twenties and I couldn’t give a fig whether the dress matched or flowers (in the end the dresses and flowers didn’t match). I hate penis hen parties. I hate attending and there’s no way in hell I’d have them at mine. I don’t think it’s an age thing, I think it’s a personality thing. But wedding planning sucks.

It sucks even more when you don’t have your mum. It’s natural for you to miss her during these times. You say if you got married earlier, your mum would have been at your wedding but she’d have been at your wedding to the wrong person. It’s not that you or your partner have been putting off marriage for years, you only met them when you were 30. You can’t change the sequence of events unfortunately and that sucks.

I think you’re possibly being too hard on yourself. Thinking you should love wedding planning. Thinking you should be married by now. When actually there is no age limit on getting married and a lot of people hate planning a wedding.

Are you incorporating your mum in the wedding some way so that you feel like she’s with you? It obviously won’t be the same as having her there but maybe it’ll help you feel close to her?

Post # 22
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’ll be going on 35 when we finally tie the knot. It is what it is. I totally get how you’re feeling, but I’m sure that one the day in question you’ll feel beautiful and amazing. 

I also like to remind myself that while I had always wanted to marry in my late twenties, idI still take early thirties over early twenties. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to live my life on my own for most of my twenties. 

Post # 23
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

thisisaname :  that’s so lovely that she made your veil though. Obviously nothing will make up for her not being there. Another myth is that your wedding day has to be the happiest day of your life. Actually you’re allowed to feel the wide range of emotions on your wedding day, even when you’re not grieving. You’ll probably feel sad on your wedding day and that is completely normal and more importantly everyone will understand so if you don’t want to keep it to yourself, don’t.

I’d recommend to any soon to be bride they carve out 5-10 minutes by themselves on their wedding day. I’d definitely recommend that for you. Where you can just spend some time collecting your thoughts – good and bad, talk to your mum (if that brings relief). You might need even need a few 5 minutes alone throughout the day, which is also fine. Hugs, I think it’s one of the worst times to lose your mother.

Post # 24
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

Well I got married this year at 36. Just went to a wedding this week of folks who were 37. In fact I know very few people who got married BEFORE their mid thirties. Getting married when you are very young is fine….. if you find the right person. But it also sets you up for a higher chance of divorce, etc. revel that you found someone who works for you at an age when you were more stable!

Post # 25
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I understand how you’re feeling because I lost both of my parents a few years ago and my fiance lost both of his parents last year. There is something about planning that feels very bittersweet but as you said, our families could really use some happiness and fun so hopefully the wedding will bring a bit of that.

 

As far as the age goes, most of my friends got married in their late 20s or early 30s (or haven’t gotten married yet) so I haven’t even thought twice about it. But focus on what will make you happy with this wedding! And remember it is just a party, you will enjoy it regardless of what went well or didn’t go well during the planning and the most important thing is the marriage that will come afterwards. Just focus on enjoying these phases heading towards that.

Post # 26
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Oh gosh girl you are young! I do sympathize though. I’m 30 and now just engaged. Been together 13+ years. Not planning to get married for a few year too. My scary bride age is “35” and that’s not old but I understand! If I wind uo married at 40 or 80 I do. I’m also Maid/Matron of Honor to one of my best friends who is 20 and it’s surreal but you just have to enjoy your wedding and marriage. You found love and that’s the most important thing! 🙂

Post # 27
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I got married a year ago at 32. Lots of people arent getting married here until early 30s or even later.  Never had an issue. 

Post # 28
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss; of course thinking about superficial things like centrepieces and decor is not going to seem fun or important when you’re grieving.  Could you maybe delegate to a friend who loves doing that sort of thing?  That is so amazing that your mom made your veil; I’m sure you’ll really feel her presence when you’re walking down the aisle.  As an aside, I got married for the first time in December and I am 41.  I really didn’t care about the little details either – ultimately, no one other than me (not my husband either, I’m sure) is really going to remember what the aisle decorations look like, so I kept it simple and had some arty friends help me.  I also find that the older I get, the less I care about what other people think, and the more confident I am in myself, and that is a beautiful thing.  

Post # 29
Member
7898 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

thisisaname :  

I have to agree strongly with sunburn :  33 is really young . Like her,   my best years were 30’s and 40’s health and strength wise and everything .  I would not wish to be 22 again for anything on earth.

I am so sorry you lost your mum,  a grief like no other( for those of us blessed with a good relationship) .PPs have suggested reining right back on elaborate  planning , I think that’s sensible advice.  

Do what you feel like doing and no more , elope if you want,

Grief is exhausting, I know. H and I have no parents at all now and the period after their deaths were so hard…..   

Post # 30
Member
671 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry bee! I can’t imagine such a loss.

I understand why you feel this way but can i just say something?

I think that finding love- at any age- is something to be celebrated! However you celebrate that is totally up to you but you are just as beautiful a bride as those 20 year olds!

Besides, some of these young brides are so hyperfocused on the party and the ring and the superficial things that they don’t focus on what’s most important. And many of them marry for the wrong reasons and end up divorced. You spent your twenties refusing to settle and looking for the right relationship, and you clearly want the marriage, not the wedding. That is something to celebrate right there!

If anything, you should make the absolute best of this time and know that your mom is so happy for you that you found love. 

If you are uncomfortable with some of the typical bridal traditions, then skip them! Do what feels right to you. Maybe you celebrate with a spectacular honeymoon instead of doing a bachelorette party and big reception. Maybe you skip the big white dress and put that money towards something else that would make you happy. 

This is your time to celebrate and you should do whatever makes YOU feel happy! Best wishes xo 

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