(Closed) Anyone else getting NO help from their BMs?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Breathe. Did you make your expecations clear from the start? I don’t expect my girls to help me with my DIY projects unless they ask. That’s something you decided to take on. Your wedding is not until June. They have plenty of time to get the dresses. The store ordered the wrong color and you wanted your BM’s to fix it? How were they suppose to do that?

I think you need to drink a hot cup of tea and relax. ^_^

Post # 4
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

did you tell them your expectations of help with the DIY stuff prior to making them your BM’s?  I mean I am pretty busy anyway, but to drive two hours or .. six?  to help do some DIY stuff, is something i’d be hard pressed to squeeze in.   I’m lost in how they were supposed to help you fix the color of your dress.  you ordered it…

You still have lots of time to get it all worked out. 

Post # 5
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I got absolutely no help from my BMs what-so-ever. At first I assumed that it was because it wasn’t my first wedding or because I was an older bride. Surprise! It is a very common problem. The first time I got married, BMs were fully expected to help with planning, DIY, etc. That’s what it meant to be a BM! Now-a-days it seems all a Bridesmaid or Best Man is “required” to do is show up on the wedding day! I must admit that I still feel a tad resentful about it and I certainly hope none of them ask me for assistance with their weddings because I know exactly what I am going to say! However I can tell you I had a great sense of pride when all was said and done because my beautiful wedding was a product of my time and energies!

Post # 6
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I didn’t get much help from my Maid/Matron of Honor (the only bridesmaid) until the day of the wedding, but I also did not ask anything of her. Some people just get more excited by weddings and more enjoy the “work” that goes into them than others. Some people who have never been a bridesmaid or bride before also have no clue of what a bridesmaid traditionally does, unless it is explained to them.

If you want to put your bridesmaids to work, then pick people who you know will enjoy it. If you want to honor your closest friends, then don’t expect work from them if you know weddings aren’t their thing. I personally did not ask my Maid/Matron of Honor to do much of anything because I knew that she did not really like weddings. I just wanted her to stand up for me on the day of. OTOH, I had a different close friend who was not even a bridesmaid, but who loves weddings and planning, and she ended up going out of her way to do things like throw me a bachelorette without my even asking.

The bottom line is, don’t expect your friends to do wedding crafts and similar things with you unless a) you know that they enjoy doing those things, and b) you have clearly communicated to them that you expect them to help you with them.

Post # 7
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah my BMs werent really a big help either. Just like bluespurrs, I always thought that the role of a Bridesmaid or Best Man was to be there to assist the bride throughout the planning process and most importantly on the wedding day. My BMs didnt help with DIY projects, they never really asked me about anything going on with the wedding, they chose ugly Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses even when I told them they could choose their own brown dresses and then complained about how they didnt like the dresses, they didnt help with ANYTHING during the weekend of my wedding (For example – we had hundred of sunflowers to cut and put into mason jars and my mom and I were doing this just 2 hours before my rehearsal dinner while 2 of my BMs literally just stood there and watched and didnt even offer to help!) I had even bought my Maid/Matron of Honor a Maid of Honor book and we talked about things she could help me out with but it never came to fruition. Anyways, I was really bitter about it right after my wedding because I felt like during the wedding weekend I was doing a LOT of stuff on my own and felt a little slighted. At this point it doesnt matter but it still boggles my mind that it had to be that way. It basically just makes me want to be the best Bridesmaid or Best Man ever if I am ever a part of a bridal party!

Post # 8
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but I don’t think it’s really fair for you to expect your BM’s to help you with DIY projects. It’s your wedding, not theirs. And I’m sure they are excited for you but they just might not be DIY people. Or really into weddings. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you and aren’t excited for the wedding.

I think you just need to adjust your expectations a little bit.

Post # 9
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I got pretty much no actual, tangible help from my BMs (granted, I did zero DIY projects and they did show up to try on dresses multiple times!), but they were invaluable in emotional support which mattered way more to me. Do you  feel like you’re getting that from them, or are they just not there for you at all? Because I think that’s a much bigger problem than if they’re not doing any DIY stuff.

Post # 10
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with the other PP, if you didn’t set out your expectations when you asked them then you don’t have much to be upset about. I don’t think part of BM’s duties is helping out with DIY’s. It’s nice if they do but its not expected. My BM’s all live 3 hours away from me so I would never expect them to drive to me and help me with DIY. Its just gonna be me and Fiance (likely just me). 

Post # 11
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Well, I haven’t gotten much help from mine yet, but that’s because I haven’t had a major project to need help with. They’ve been a little absent when it comes to interest in the wedding planning, but we’re all really busy and I can relate.

I think that maybe you should really express to them that you need their help, and that you’re getting frustrated. They should get the picture then. 

Good luck sweetie.

Post # 12
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I didn’t have BMs. I did not have help from said imaginary BMs. It was drama-free and amazing. I would re-evaluate your expectations, because it seems like they are standing in the way of your happiness!

Post # 13
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Erm, their only “duties” are to buy the dress and show up. Unless you’ve asked them to help and they’ve agreed that they can/are willing to help, you don’t really have much of a reason to be upset with them not following through.

Post # 16
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I have been a bridesmaid more times than I can remember, and I have never helped with DIY projects.  I guess I have mostly thought that DIY means exactly that — do it yourself.  I have thrown showers, worn bizarre dresses including a hoop skirt and half-gloves and numerous bad hats,  and been there for middle of the night panic attack calls, but crafts have never been required.  I get that you are disappointed, but I have to say that from my experience, craft projects are not assumed to be at the top of the Bridesmaid or Best Man duty list.  And I don’t think you were jumped on here at all — I think people are trying to nicely explain that your idea of a Bridesmaid or Best Man may not be what everyone’s would be.

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