Post # 1
Before I met Darling Husband, and before we were living together I used to go dancing allll the time, it has always been a huge part of my identity, my passion, and was my main outlet for exercise.
Since moving in together and getting married, I feel I have to tip toe around this area. The forms of dance I do are all partner based, though most require a good attempt at lessons to get the hang of it and Darling Husband has tried a few times but really doesn’t enjoy it that much, and doesn’t want to have to endure months or even weeks of lessons. And itstotally fine if he doesn’t want to come along… its just that he gets extremely uneasy when I go on my own. He tells me he wants me to go if it will make me happy, but he will ask me to text him all the time, and I end up feeling bad if I stay longer than an hour because he is also honest that he is uncomfortable about me dancing with other men, and he always acts a bit strange once I get home.
I used to dance minimally twice a week for 3 hours an evening, and its wittled down to about 30 minutes every few weeks meanwhile he has his own out-of-the-house hobbies which means if we both participate in our hobbies, even if I go out once a week for 30 minutes, we don’t see eachother all day day till 10pm which neither of us like.
Whats unfortunate is that I would settle for an easier style of dance that we both enjoy but it is not possible where we are living.
Does anyone go dancing without their DH? Any advice for easing their discomfort?
Post # 3
I used to swing dance all the time before I was dating Darling Husband. When we started dating, I’d still go, but it dropped off considerably. Now, I barely go at all. I actually went a couple weeks ago and it was SO.MUCH.FUN. I realized how much I missed it and how much I wish Darling Husband was a dancer!
But, I also knew that going into the marriage…. meaning, I realized that by picking Darling Husband, it would mean doing that few and far between.
I don’t have the issue of Darling Husband being upset when I want to go without him. I actually am the opposite and feel like I don’t want to go without him.
He was a good sport and went with me once – took a lesson, etc. I think he understands that it’s an environment where people aren’t trying to hook up.
The fact that your Darling Husband is texting you all the time to me means he’s worried about you and there are trust/insecurity issues. I think if you focus on those and the deeper fear that is there and have some honest conversations about it – it may help things on the long run.
That’s not to say you’ll necessarily get your way – but I think it wiil help things in general. It is nice that he acknowledges your love of dance and he wants you to go (at least in his head) – his heart just has to catch up to the fact that you love him and are coming home to him.
Post # 4
I also would go out dancing w/o my husband before we were married – but after we were married, we talked about dancing w/ other men and how he feels about it.
What we decided on, is that for “booty shaking music” I would not dance with other guys, but if we went say, country dancing he was okay with me dancing with guys because its not as up close and personal. However, becuase I do love to dance, we have taken lessons and now we cut loose on the dancefloor 🙂
Your situation sounds like a catch 22, because he doesn’t really want to dance, but isn’t telling you not dance with other man, and if he did, that would mean you couldn’t go dancing…..so 1 of 2 things needs to happen, he needs to learn, or, you two need to talk openly and honestly about how dancing w/o him is going to work.
Post # 5
I have been out dancing without Darling Husband, but only for bachelorette parties and Bday parties (girl only). If it were a regular thing I think he might be uncomfortable and I wouldn’t blame him because I would feel the same way about him. Do you think there’s any way you can partner up with someone who is not attracted to women, either another woman or a man? That might ease him on it a little.
Post # 6
Why don’t you invite him out with you to watch? That way he can see that its not something he needs to worry about. We used to go to the clubs a lot when we were younger, but thankfully we both got bored of it around the same time. I would love to learn how to swing dance or something fun like that, but I know he wouldn’t go for it
Post # 7
What kind of dancing is the OP talking about? Like lessons or at a club?
I go to clubs all the time without Darling Husband and I think it’s okay. I make a point not to dance with other men though, but occasionally I will. I’m a good dancer and I’ve met a few other guys who are good dancers too and just want to dance (not hook up, lol).
Post # 8
I’ve sent Darling Husband out dancing without me, I have tedonitis in my knees and hypermobile patellas- swing kind of requires knees that don’t wig out with each pivot.
However- we have an agreement that we don’t blues dance with anyone else, at least strict blues. Swingy blues is kind of okay.
Post # 9
I think you all need to talk about trust and security. I’d have no problem with my SO doing something like this with someone else– it’s not like you’re trying to date the guys or getting super physical on the dance floor? If he’s not willing/wanting to dance with you, why can’t you go out and have a little fun and get some exercise?
I agree with having him coming out and watching you dance. He’ll see that it’s not a big deal and maybe he’ll make some friends with the other people there!
Post # 10
I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s OK to have your own hobbies.
Post # 11
I do it all the time. I’m a salsa dancer primarily but I do swing as well. I don’t see any reason to be more committed when married than now (engaged). I’m committed to in the same way after marriage I will not be restricted more because of marriage. It’s single vs. not single (IMO) not married vs. not married. I haven’t been single in 5 years, and I haven’t acted like it.
Blah, all that said… boundaries will not change.
So… I will go dancing as much as I do now… Which is about once a month for several hours. I’m not sure about your guy, and his particular insecurities. But I explained that I have zero interest other than enjoying my hobby. I enjoy dancing manily with people who are semi experienced (and like you guy, mine isn’t and wouldn’t enjoy becoming…) I go out, get my dancing fix and come home to him. Nothing more, nothing less.
Post # 12
You should be able to do whatever you want without Darling Husband. My goodness, they are not our siamese twins. Live your life girl!
Post # 13
I used to go out without Darling Husband all the time dancing, I do all types of ballroom. Darling Husband used to teach but has forgotten most of it. I don’t mind going out without him, but I do have a rule of no batchata (sp?). I haven’t been out so much in the last two years, but that is more because of cashola. I can’t wait to start going out dancing again in the next few months. Darling Husband knows that I have very strict boundries and I don’t let people tromp on them, shoot, I punched a guy once when Darling Husband was working out of town. The fool tried to grind up on me during a salsa – who does that!? I don’t think he will do it to me again, haha.
Post # 14
@tksjewelry: Oh yes, very important! I will do batchata… but I am selective to my partners. It’s all in the “creeper” vibe and it’s not cut and dry. Fat old men can get right in there if there’s no creep vibe and they are dancing with a certain level of professionalism. But young, hot, honry men won’t get very close at all… I tell him horror stories of me being a “bitch” saying no thanks to men, and if persistant will say no thank you, I don’t enjoy being felt up on the dance floor. So he knows I hold my ground with the *few* perverts who are there.
Post # 15
Wow just cheked back and twelve comments!
I am talking swing/blues – and when I took him blues dancing he nearly liked it, he just said he wasnt used to/didn’t feel comfortable dancing with strangers – including during the lesson where everyone was rotating. It’s also his day in between band practices so it would seem cruel to leave him at home on that paraticular night. I’ve also tried teaching him at home to get his confidence up, but beyond the basics I really don’t know what the lead does. Haha, he says he wishes he could be a follower.
And I have tried to get him to come to the swing dance with me to see that its no big deal, trouble is he only gets home from band practice at the time the dance starts so he just wants to have dinner and chill out. But even on the rare occasion where he gets a drink nearby with his friends while I’m at the dance, he usually talks me into coming to meet him rather than him step foot at the dance.
I’ve explained to him many times that its simply I thing that I love, that I feel like a different person without it – it would be like if he suddenly had limited access to his guitar, and people don’t go to hook up, its about practicing a skill – learning a language. He usually just says “I know, but….” and literally trails off. At times he’s said he’s just worried about the other guys there, and I used to invite other girls along and he was fine with that – but they lost interest pretty quick and I’m generally new to the area so I don’t know the other dancers… which is where things currently stand…
Tonight I have told myself I am going – and not leaving early – its only two hours after all. I gave up an entire form of dance that was a huge part of my life to be with him (its a geography thing) I just need to keep telling myself that there’s no harm in going dancing for a couple of hours a week. I will of course keep talking to him about it, and hopefully he will get more used to it.
Thanks for all your encouragement, and good luck to those in similar situations!
Post # 16
If you love it as much as you say, I think out of necessity you need to. Goodluck, be strong, and stand your ground. In time you should be able to meet dance friends! I did 🙂