- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
Im new here 🙂 I just need to get this out of my system to someone who would maybe understand me … hope some of you weddingbees will!
Two months ago we had our first wedding anniversary, so we took a look at our photos and video, brought up some good and also not so good memories of that day. I simply just cant help myself but Im going over and over (I was doing that after our wedding for like three months, but then just drop it) stuff that went wrong, again, after a year!! I feel like a horrible person, since I have the most perdect husband and we are very happy, especially since we are now blessed with gorgeous little daughter!
I thought a year from my wedding day I will have just good and all the beautiful memories and some bad ones wont be as heavy as they were right after the day.
We were engaged for a year so we had plenty of time for planning. We wanted an outdoor ceremony and reception in a wedding tent, it was quite expensive but totally worth it! I planned it mostly by myself, I enjoyed sooooo much! It was the most beautiful and intense year, filled with so much love, everything was about me, my future husband, the big day and LOVE! On the other hand we bumped at our families issues of course and it was quite stressful because of that as well. We come from very very different families, big issues on both sides. But somehow we managed to stand up for ourselves and we really had wedding WE wanted. Wedding planning really got us stronger and more conected.
I wanted to get married in the old barn next to the house where I had grown up untill my parents got divorced. It was really sentimental and meaningful place to me. So we decorated the barn into a beautiful wedding venue. Right next to the barn it was a big white tent where the reception was taken. We did a lot of DIY and everything really went to perfection, just as imagined – if we talk about decorations, venue, flowers, cake, music, food, little details … it all came together perfectly!
And most important – the ceremonies! (in our country we must have two seperate ceremonies, one is religious and one official, so in the church and in the city hall). The church ceremony was amazing, flawless, really relaxed, we smiled a lot, music was touching. the official ceremony was held in the barn and we were married by my uncle, so it was very personal, emotional, I felt at the moment that it was unreal. Everything was very very relaxed, weather was perfect just untill we went in the tent (then it started to rain). Ok, now you must wonder why Im haunted by all the regrets :)) well…. yes, everything went to perfection, except the timing and some people behaviour. After the cermonies there was buffet with food and beverages were served all the time (for free), it was like coctail hour as I see you call it. Music was playing, perfect weather, people were mingling, eating, drinking … and that time was reserved for taking photos. At one point we spoke with the photographer and he said ok, at first family photos and then we are going (photoshoot of husband and me took place at a nearby location). Then I went to some guests and took something to eat and drink, then I asked the photographer whats the time and we were behind the schedule so it just came out of my mouth Ok, lets go! I FORGOT about family photos!! And Im holding the grudge at photographer because it was his duty to provide all the photos! Ok, well, we did take some family photos later in the evening, they are okay but not really beautiful since it was dark outside, and we didnt manage to take some extended family photos.
The thing is, our photoshoot went way too long, for almost 2 hours!! It was too long and quite exhausting. But somehow photographer was like “just one more like this, one more like that …”, and I dont know why we didnt say anything, like “we have to go back!” I suppose we were in our wedding bubble and not thinking and having perception of time. Then my Maid/Matron of Honor called us by cell and asked where the hell we are, people are waiting, they are impatient. And then I immediately felt GUILT and EMBARRASSMENT, which didnt leave me until today. When we got back I found out that it was only one person who was panicking and it was of course my father..long story short, we have big father-daughter issues and he is like “everything must be super organized, on time, what would people think, why are you sitting like this (he critisized me after the church ceremony why I was sitting like this, it was just because of the wedding dress…)”. So he was spreading bad mood with his angry face and bullying Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man why they dont do something. On the top of that he yelled at me 3 weeks after the wedding about what went wrong, so I felt like little child who screwed up ..again! He didnt say I was beautiful, everything was beautiful .. just the negatives.
Anyway,when we got back to the tent, we danced away the first dance and opened the dance floor. It was nice, people were happy, smiling and crying again and started to dance with us. From their point of view it was forgotten that they were waiting. But I couldnt pass that feeling of quilt for the entire night. I tried and danced and was running from guests to guests to talk to them. But somewhere deep inside me I was constantly afraid that they are not having a good time and we really f** it up with that photoshoot! And not to mention my fathers face during the reception…I was avoiding him just because I couldnt look at this disappointed face. Hey well, at the end of the day, I got married, dad, be HAPPY!! or at least pretend that you are. His face was reminding me of this after all “little fail” for the entire night. But at least, when we got our photos back, they are STUNNING! we didnt get as many of family and friends as we would want, but still have plenty of them.
Another regret is the speech/program my high school friends made. They spoke about my high school times and some of things really werent appropriate! I felt embarrassed and insulted. But, there was nothing I could change, I cant change other peoples actions … they thought it would be funny (and it actually was, but that was back then in high school), but it wasnt. It was like fun-making of the bride, which they should do at my bachelorette party, not at my wedding!
Overall, my biggest regrets are – not giving the photographer the list of photos I wanted, not having a coordinator who would take care of timing and remind me of some things, not talking enough to guests, and the biggest – I LET THESE “FAILS” TO RUIN MY WEDDING DAY EXPERIENCE JUST AS MUCH THAT I HAVE BITTER-SWEET MEMORIES, NOT JUST SWEET. I should have just said to myself “f*** it, its my wedding day, enjoy it!” But that guilt disabled me and I couldnt be really relaxed anymore. I danced, drank, smiled,but it just didnt feel like I was expecting it would. Like really the happiest day! I also wish I spent more time with my husband at the reception.
Overall, our wedding day was still amazing. I can see it over and over again when I watch our video! (I highly recommend hiring a videographer!) In our video I see how happy I was, how beautiful, relaxed, emotional, smiling all the time … but I dont know why I dont feel that now. I suppose I wraped myself in regret and guilt for not doing that and that instead of this … and it is torturing me every day. Yes, Im kind of girl who dreamt about her wedding day since forever and I expected it to be really really flawless, perfect, and it wasnt. So how to deal with that?
Sorry for this long post, I just had to get it out! 🙂 also sorry for my english, Im not native speaker.
Please share if you have any of your own regrets or comments. Lets help future brides to avoid the same mistakes we did 🙂