Post # 1
My relationship with my younger sister has always been rocky and difficult. She is very immature and selfish, and truthfully for a long time I played into it because I liked being the “helpful” older sister. I was pretty much the only sister that was there for her while she was raising her kids. Several years ago, things changed when I realized I was being used and not geting anything back from her and started setting boundaries around what I would tolerate. She also developed this adolescent lifestyle where she spends all her time going to concerts, getting autographs and getting her picture taken with singers and getting drunk (she is 41 years old with 4 kids). Most of her FB posts are about how drunk she got the night before or what concert she went to. I have no interest in any of that or hearing about it on a daily basis.
I hadn’t wanted to have her in my wedding because it has always been so challenging with her, but it seemed mean to exclude her and she told me she wouldn’t come to the wedding if she wasn’t in the bridal party….so I put her in to keep the peace and hopefully mend our fragile relationship. A month after the wedding we had a falling out about a family situation and even though I have tried several times to reach out and resolve it, she refuses to see her part in it and just wants to blame me. I sent her a thank you card for the wedding and a Christmas card and contacted her several times and gotten no response. On Christmas day she texted all the other sisters and intentionally excluded me. I know I can’t do anything about it, but I am so hurt and angry right now. I have tried many times over the years to patch things up with her, but I feel like I am dealing with a spoiled 5-year old. Has anyone else has difficulties in relating to their sister? I want to have a relationship with her, but I just don’t know how. She just gives nothing back and expects it to be all on her terms.
Post # 3
I don’t have experience with this, but it seems to me like she’s a spoiled brat and she did use you all that time. Unfortunately I’m not sure there is anything you can do about it. You’ll have to decide if it’s more important to you to have her drama and childishness in your life, or to let it go and hope that one day she grows up enough to realize what you’ve done for her and that she was immature and wrong.
Post # 4
Having sisters can be an amazing thing sometimes but sometimes it’s just so damn hard! I’m sorry you’re going through this with your sister and I can relate to what you are going through.
Your sister sounds like she’s going through some kind of life crisis. Has she always been this way? I would imagine that being a mother and a 41 year old woman the constant need to brag about getting drunk is something someone usually has grown out of. Don’t get me wrong we all need to let out some steam every now and then but she seems kind of immature.
And deliberately excluding you from her text! So childish! I say give her sometime to cool off and then try talking to her again. If she doesn’t seem receptive to your atempts to restore a relationship between the two of you I think it’s time to just stop trying for a long time. There’s a point when you realize that even though you are family trying to salvage what is left of the relationship is harmful to your well being. She keeps making you feel bad and honestly do you want to constantly feel this way? I hope all goes well.
I’m the youngest sister but for along time I held a grudge towards my oldest sister. After a while I realized this grudge was harming me more than it was her. I just kept bringing negativity towards me and every time she extended an olive branch I would burn it down and stomp on…well methaphorically. Hopefully your sister will also one day realize what she is doing and the pointlessness. She’ll see how much more amazing life can be when you have a healthy relationship with a sister who is more than willing to be there for her.
Sorry this got so long!
Post # 5
I’m glad you’ve started to put your foot down with her, but I think you need to be even more firm with her. The more firm with her you become the more she will try to guilt/shame you into giving in to her, so be prepared for that (the texting every other sister was example of that manipulative tactic, and I bet things like that have worked before for her, haven’t they?), but in order to change your relationship with her and have her treat you with respect, you need to resist and stay firm. Like a “chinese fingertrap,” the more she pushes you the harder you must resist.
She will either mature (yes, people can start maturing at 40 or even later), or at least learn that YOU are no longer one of the people she can take advantage of and disrespect. I bet you anything she does know how to treat people properly, she just doesn’t think she has to treat YOU that way. Let her know that she’s got another thing coming.
Don’t be cruel, but be absolutely firm. Have a thick skin, she’s going to “kick and scream” about this in the short term, to try to make you break. Don’t give in, and let it takes its time (if she stops talking to you for a while, that’s ok). Having a sister who treats you properly will definitely be worth it! After all these years, you deserve it.
Post # 6
Thank you for your feedback! It is difficult for me because I come from a really dysfunctional family, and I’ve always been the “mother” figure in the family, the one that tried to keep us all close. I don’t really hold out a lot of hope that things will change, I feel like there is just too much water under the bridge at this point and there are other sisters getting in the mix and creating all sorts of triangles. I guess my best bet at this point is to accept that it is what it is and I may never have the relationship with her that I want to. What really hurts me is that I have no relationship with her kids and I always wanted to be the kind of aunt that they looked up to and wanted to hang out with. And now my really good friend has a son who is dating one of my nieces, so I feel like I can’t even talk to her about it any more. Well, I guess life goes on and I need to focus on my wonderful and loving new husband and the people in my life who do support me and love me. 🙂