(Closed) Anyone else have a problem with being “given away?”

posted 10 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 32
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I don’t like the term giving away.. I prefer to think i was escorted down the aisle. I am not property, but I appreciated the support of my dad and knew it meant a lot to him.

Post # 33
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I definitely have issues with “being given away.” First, from a feminist standpoint, even altering the language doesn’t sit right with me because it is still the same symbolism & message. Second, my dad was not very involved (and when he was, it wasn’t in a positive way) with raising me and thinking of him walking me down the aisle brings up a lot of old anger and resentment. Third, I do not enjoy being the center of attention and will be so nervous walking up the aisle, so why not walk in with the one person who makes me calm/happy?

Since my parents are still together and I think my mom would be the one concerned about not hurting my dad’s feelings – I’ve decided that we will have the processional start with Fi’s parents walking in together, then my parents walking in together, then the bridal party, then Fi & I (together). I think I will also offer to do a father/daughter & Mother/Son dance at our reception, so that it doesn’t seem like I’m just angry at my dad (in the last few years, he has started to make some effort, but it doesn’t really make up for the first 18 years or so).

Post # 34
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I am having my parents walk inbefore me.. then i am walking alone, only because we wont all fit down the aisle. I am having the priest say who presents this woman.. my mum said she would never give me away as i am and always will be her daughter so she cant just simply give me away.
My Future Mother-In-Law is freaking out coz it shoudl just be my dad “giving me away” shes really annoying me now!

Post # 35
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

I really dislike the idea of being given away, even if nothing is said about it. It’s a clear throwback to the days of women being “transferred” from their father’s dominion to her husband’s, IMO. I really want to walk alone, but somehow I see my dad putting up a fight when the time comes…

Post # 36
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m not bothered at all by the idea at all – in fact I’m looking forward to it! I’m having my dad walk me down the aisle, and I think the wording will be “who presents this woman in matrimony?”. To me it doesn’t mean my mom had any less part in raising me, it’s just part of a wedding tradition that I want to include.

 

Post # 37
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I hate the idea of being given away, but I know I would really hurt my dad’s feelings if I said anything. At least we won’t have the “who gives his woman away” part in the ceremony. He’ll just walk me down the aisle. I’d rather walk down either alone or with both my parents, but the first would hurt his feelings and the latter would weird out my parents (who are both pretty traditional).

Post # 38
Hostess
8574 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

My parents were also divorced, and my bio father hasn’t shown much interest. While he is receiving an invite to the wedding, he will not be walking me down the aisle. Anyone can father a child, it takes a great man to be a dad – he just wasn’t there, ever.

My mother & her husband

Post # 39
Member
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I strongly dislike it. I have a decent relationship with my dad (it’s a little distant and complicated at times but it’s still perfectly fine, if that makes sense) and am aware there are ways to handle the walking thing without feeling like chattel, but the history and connotation of “transfer of property from father to husband” thing just eeks me out. I can’t seem to get over it no matter how I try.

It’s sweet and lovely for others, but for me personally I just can’t deal.

Instead, FH and I have agreed on a processional strategy we like better. (I have spoken to my parents about it and my dad says he’s happy with it, he doesn’t feel a huge loss in not walking me down.)

Our parents will walk in together, his parents together and mine together, escorting each other — as both of our parents have only been married once, and both have had strong, happy marriages for like FOREVER, we see them as a good example for us to follow. A display of love and affection and sacrifice that came before us and made it possible for us to have what we do now. So why split them up? They can walk down before me in pairs as a symbol of “coming before us” and something to emulate. 

Then I’ll walk in alone, because as you mentioned, I’m a grown-up. 

We’re debating having FH walk up to meet me halfway and then walk back down with me hand in hand, but either way, I’ll be walking by myself at least to start. 

Post # 40
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@snakeysnake:  Maybe the wording can be changed. “Who blesses this union” or something.

Post # 41
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

my Fiance and I will be walking down together. We are getting married in a movie theatre so we actually have two aisles and we’ll be walking down seprate ailses and joining at the end.

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