(Closed) Anyone Else Have this Problem With SO?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Was he expecting to pay for both of you or just himself?  If both, then offer to contribute your share (or offer to pay for him this time, he can get the next one).

I see two issues here:

1. You want to go out more than him.

2. You want to spend more on leisure activities than he does.

The two don’t have to related.  I’d suggest trying to come up with a list of free or close to free activities for the weekends that you’d both like to do.  e.g. go to the beach, a park with a picnic, the free museum day, etc.  It sounds like you’ve got a handle on cheap, so just mix in a few free ones as well.  Plan to go out with him – and plan to go out with your friends too so he gets some home time in.

I’d also sit down with him and come up with a “budget” for entertainment.  This should include the aquarium (btw, check out your library – they may have passes you can reserve in advance to go there for free or only a few dollars.  Key is that you have to do it in advance because they are popular), dinners out, etc.  That way, he won’t conflate his shopping budget with his entertainment budget.  And maybe you can compromise as well, and make it smaller than you’d ideally like to accommodate his saver-personality.   Make it a joint budget, you should contribute to it as well.

My boyfriend tends to spend less than I do, but he will happily pay if he knows it’s something that matters to me/I’ll enjoy.  Now that I’ve been unemployed for a while, I’ve been the one searching out good deals and cheap entertainment.  The key is really in trying to compromise and recognizing that both perspectives have value (you should enjoy life!  but saving is important for enjoying life later).

Post # 4
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I kinda have this problem, but for us money IS a big concern about doing a lot of things, so I often won’t suggest going anywhere because you ahve to pay for admission to movies/musems and the aquarium (we want to go to ours, too) around here, in addition to gas to go the 1 hour to the nearest town, plus buying lunch/dinner depending on how long we’re out, so it adds up quickly.

Also, my Boyfriend or Best Friend has anxiety issues that maks him alternate between wanting to get out to challenge his anxitey, because he’s tired of being at home, but he’s only comfortbale in cetain places, like our local neighborhood bar and a few other palces, or he really just wants to kinda hide at home.  He’s not happy with his external appearance (never has been, thanks to the anxiety it’s magnified and NOW his ‘freshmen 15 has finally caught up) – He’s still working on adjusting his schedule to include exercise since he got a desk job 4 years back, and isn’t comfortable being seen in public, he knows he’s put on some weight – his old part time job was pretty active and outdoors, so he didn’t have to be as vigilant about his food intake/exercise. So his anxiety about crpwds, even small ones, and a poor self image ATM make him want to ‘hide’ in the house.  He got me a bike last year for my birthday that I like to take for rides, even alone, jut to get out on nice days.

Does your SO feel weird outside?  Does he only like doing certain things with certain people?  Mine will hemm and haw until we’re actually there, and then it’s impossible to get him to want to leave.  Maybe your SO has some good reason for ither wanting to save money (I mean, you ARE on the wedding Bee board – do you think he could have a plan down the road?) for some sort of big purchase, for a future home, a new car, a big vacation?  Does he have student debt, or any credit cards?  My BF’s sister found her husband of about 6 years at the time had $10K in credit card debt that he’d been working on paying down without telling her, because he was embarrassed (for that matter, I ahve my own CC debt my SO is not 100% aware of that I am trying to pay off – I AM embarassed).

I’d reccommend going to places you can on your own, if you can afford it/it’s free, or with a girl friend, maybe not every weekend, but at last onw to two times a month.  You’ll get to enjoy doing something, it’s good for couples to do things apart at times, and he mght realize he wants to go, too, and be bored himself just sitting at home.  Don’t give up on things like the Cherry Blossom Festival (seen it as a kid – grew up in Fairfax County), and maybe save ‘bigger’ things like the aquarium for when he wants to go.

Geez – I’d LOVE to take my SO up the D.C. to show him all the places I was able to go just for school field trips – I actually had a dream about that last nigt.  He’s never even left his home state (granted, it’s big) except for a few jaunts across the southern border.  Maybe I should take a trip up there and go with you to these things – I kinda miss them 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

As for groceries – I freak out if it’s over 100.00.  As I said, I’m paying off some debt, a student loan AND a car, in addition to my share of our bills, so I get cranky about name breands at times (escpecially eyars back when we first started dating – I was used to cheap = best.  he was used to Heinz/Name Brand = best.  We were on a very fixed budget, adn I’d shop with the caluculator in hand, and put things back as I could just to keep costs down).

It sounds like he might either come from a family that had money issues and had to scrimp and save, or he has more expenses than you might realize.  I know my family was poor with money management, and I heard my parents in disucssions about what to do if we got evicted, could I take showers at my Jr. High while we lived in a mini van kinda of stuff, and at one point my mom managed to get us evicted a week before Christmas, so I feel that a roof over my head is one of the most importat things, and will forgo everything, even food to keep that if needed.  Things are no where near tht bad now for me and Mr. Isilme, but I still have money freak outs, especially while trying to pay off my credit cards that I used to mainly fund extra groceries at times and Christmas over the years that I don;t want SO to know about (I have a good Dave ramsey-type pay off plan in the works).  It’s the only thing I have left I want to accomplish for myself before we get married – and I think I can do it in the 2 year loose timeline of sorts he mentioned.

 Try only asking your Boyfriend or Best Friend to things that take almost no money, go dutch if you think that might help, or take picnics.  One of the best things to do around here is hit the beach – every thing’s a picnic, and if you go as a group, drinks and ice, maybe a pack of hot dogs and some buns are almost all that’s needed and can be split among people for less than $5.00 a person.  Find something lke this to do.  Heck, go fly a kite once the weather allows – that’s cheap – you can even look up how to make your own kite from stuff at home – he might find it fun.

 

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@kayely88: Hmm, that puts a little different spin on things.  Try scheduling a regular date night with him.  My bf & I felt like we weren’t spending enough time together just being together/talking.  He took me out to a *very* nice restaurant while we were going through this kit renovation, to help me through the no kitchen/boxes/dust situation.  (I moved a lot growing up/as an adult and for me, boxes are meant to be unpacked the same weekend you move or at worst within a week, not sit around cluttering up living space.)  On that date, we decided we’d try to reserve Wednesday nights for us.  You may want to try that and just be honest that you’d like to reconnect with him and suggest that every other Saturday (start small with every other), you do a date-day.  Block it out on the calendar and don’t let things interfere.  Tell him you’ll plan the first, you expect him to plan the second – but have a backup plan for when he doesn’t.  Tell him, “You may have noticed I was really disappointed when our plans to go to the aquarium fell through.  I’m sad about that because I feel like we don’t spend nearly as much quality time together as we used to when we were first dating.”  Then suggested date-days.  Be very clear that quality time outside the apartment is important to you – and find out what is important to him.

Post # 11
Member
14661 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If he’s saying money is a problem, when in reailty isnt a problem… well, thats… for lack of a better word – a problem.  I dont think you’re overreacting cause I think couples either have to have a similar view on money, or a very good plan on how you will agree on spending/saving it.  It doesnt sound like you guys are on the same page there if you think he has plenty saved up, but is stressed over $100 bucks to go out once in a while.

Post # 13
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Regarding his mom…I think what you may need to do is twofold – talk to him and have him talk to his parents.  Sit him down, acknowledge it is NOT your money, but you are concerned for him because of the discrepancy (giving money away and been stressed about money).  Suggest he 1) budget monthly contributions for his parents so it’s more even and 2) that he sit down with his parents to help them make a budget so they don’t need his assistance on a regular basis.

My sister & Brother-In-Law did that for his sister.  The sister then discovered, lo and behold, that she was spending more than she was earning.  Very eye opening for her.  (Very shocking to me that she wouldn’t be able to know that without creating a budget, but I digress – my parents taught me how to handle finances early on.)

It’s more awkward to “teach” parents but it seems quite necessary.  And…you will likely need to plan to take care of them in their retirement if you can’t get them on board with saving now (or even if you can it may be too late)…

Post # 15
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

And I just want to reassure you that we ALL have disconnects at time where you scratch your head.  My bf was upset I wanted to buy (with my own money) a $35 coat rack for the wall, despite me explaining how important it was to me that we not have coats/scarves/hats tossed over every piece of furniture, cluttering up our small living space.  However, he hasn’t bothered to return a $35 cookbook that we picked up as a gift that was the wrong book or the $75 of boxes of tiles left over from tiling our kitchen floor.  He grumbles at a $100 groceries but will pay $15 every night to subway instead without blinking an eye (hates to cook).  His mom has the heat so low in her house she’s almost frozen the pipes (expensive problem!) in trying to save money on heating the house.  I wear my hat and jacket when I’m over there and plan on three layers at thanksgiving when I can’t do that.  But, she does not blink an eye at going out to eat each week when we visit and always wants to pay for it.

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