(Closed) Anyone else having a Self-Marriage?

posted 5 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 61
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7519 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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MarriedToMyWork: no I didn’t compare you I said it comes back to that entitlement mindset. I think I deserve something so therefore I should get it. It has nothing to do with ones choice to get married or not. Nor did I say marriage was some trophy that women need to aspire to (why are you making this sexist? My position would be the same if the OP was a man- your bias is showing).

Weddings like events like baby showers are gift giving events. Creating an event in order to get gifts you feel entitled to because you made different life choices is gift grabby. Creating an event because you feel entitled to attention for something that everyone should be doing as a matter of course is attention seeking.

This has nothing to do with marriage (it could easily be replaced with any life event) but about the motivation behind why it needs to be done. Want single people to be recognised some way, well go ahead and create that. 

We all make different life choices and with those choices come consequences and benefits. Staying single means you will never have to incur the possible financial hardship of divorce for example or the cost of hosting a wedding. Not having children may mean you have more dispoable income. Having a baby may mean not having luxuries. Having a dog may mean not being able to go away overnight. Not graduating from high school may mean living hand to mouth for life. We don’t get to have everything in life and it is entitled to think we deserve it just because others get it.

 

 

Post # 63
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48 posts
Newbee

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mojitomint44:  My most recently engaged friend through match.com took about 3 years to find his long term girlfriend, who is now his fiance. He too was ready to give up and even move to an entirely different country, but ended up staying on the site for one more year and that did it.

I should say he was also really crazy dedicated about it, even driving up to 9 hours to meet people… which I thought was insane but hey it worked.

Post # 64
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62 posts
Worker bee

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mojitomint44:  I think you’re starting with a healthy sentiment and taking it too far. I understand where you are mentally and emotionally because I’m in a similar position: mid-thirties, utterly exhausted from bending over backwards to make relationships work and trying really hard not to be bitter to the bone about coming up empty handed over and over and over. I surveyed the spectacular damage that the past 13 years of relationships had done to me, looked at important goals and parts of my life that I had comromised or let fall to the wayside for the sake of the relationship, and vowed to never let another man hold me back or damage my life. It’s not that I’ll never be in another relationship of that I’ve given up; it’s more like a que sera sera approach to dating and marriage. I’m the only guarantee I have in life, so I have to nurture my own goals before I nurture a relationship with someone else. I treated myself to a sweet little vintage diamond band that I wear on my left hand as a symbol of fidelity to myself and my own health and growth. If the right relationship comes along, one that doesn’t force me to compromise my core principles, then I’m all for it.

I didn’t explain it to anyone; I just started wearing it. It’s for me, not for attention. I would feel weird about having a ceremony or asking for presents, but to each her own. I guess what I’m saying is that you can (and should) promise to be true to yourself and only be with a partner who catalyzes and encourages growth and health without swearing off men or making a spectacle out of it.

Post # 65
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

So if you meet someone later on… are you supposed to divorce yourself before you can marry that other person? 😕

Post # 66
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Saint Domingue

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mojitomint44:  You’re only in your mid-thirties.  I’m glad someone I know didn’t make a pledge to himself in his mid-thirties as he met the love of his life in his late thirties.  😉 Personally, I think people should wait for marriage until they’re at least thirty, but I know that’s just my personal opinion from personal experience.  

Adolesence is now considered to last until at least age 25 so simmer down now. You’ve got a lifetime to find someone.  Maybe stop trying so hard.  Why does one need to move to different states to find love?  Don’t quite get it.  Maybe dabble in online dating once again? I know several married couples who met via Match.com (no, they aren’t paying me.)

I get the impression, don’t know why and it’s probably unfair, that perhaps you come on rather strong and that’s a huge turn off for most well-adjusted men.  So, as my grandpa would have said, maybe “cool your jets” a bit.  

 

Post # 67
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

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j_jaye:  You said that OP was acting entitled because she registered and that the entitled mindset is the “give me a trophy I haven’t earned” one.  Whether you intended to or not, I would argue that you insinuated that single people (and I referred to “women like the OP” because OP is a woman and historically women’s ‘value’ has largely been determined by their marrigeability in a way that men’s hasn’t–I know you know this) haven’t earned the “trophy” of being able to ask for large gifts like china, furniture, and cash.  ETA: If you believe that couples getting married should not be asking for these large gifts either, then we’re really not far apart in how we feel here, actually–but your first response to me indicates you think they are more entitled to ask for large gifts than single people.

I added this as an ETA, so you probably didn’t see it, but I’d appreciate your response: I’m not saying that I unreservedly support the OP/all her actions, but I sincerely don’t understand why married people should be the only ones entitled to the large gifts that were once considered necessary because marriage marked a transition to independence and/or a chance for a prominent family to demonstrate its power when now comparatively few marriages in the West are showcases for family power and most people make the transition to independence before getting married.

I guess my contention boils down to: either everyone can have a party where they are given the type of large gifts that help them move into independent adulthood (and we decouple those types of gifts from weddings) or no one, including couples getting married, should expect to receive such gifts and we’re all on the hook for our own stemware and towels and Kitchen-Aids.  Either way, the expectations for wedding gifts become more financially modest.  You say that OP is demanding what she’s not entitled to as a single person–well, no one has proven to me that couples getting married are entitled to large gifts that help with setting up a home while single people are not. 

Post # 68
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

[content moderated for name calling]

Post # 69
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107 posts
Blushing bee

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jcent:  +1

completely agree that you seem less excited or proud to be single, your tone seems very much resigning to be single because of your dating difficulties. Maybe you’re trying too hard? I really do believe love happens when you least expect it. As much of a cliche as it sounds. And mid 30’s is SO young to throw in the towel. I still feel you truly want to find someone So this ceremony is kind of ridiculous. I’m sorry. i don’t mean to be rude. But the idea of throwing a ceremony and party to affirm in public that one is staying true to oneself is odd to me. Shouldn’t everyone already be true to themselves and the decisions we all make as individuals. I dont need a ceremony to prove to people I’m proud of who I am and the choices I make. It just seems very narcissistic. 

Then what happens when you do find someone later? Do you not enter in a relationship because you technically committed to being single? If you did enter a relationship I’m sure you and everyone would look at your past ceremony as total bs. I think there’s a lot for you to still consider before you proceed. 

But you do you. 

Post # 70
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - His Way Church & Chesapeake Room @ Downs Park

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mojitomint44:  Not being sarcastic, just curious. Let’s say you do end up meeting someone and want to get married to them. Would you have to go through a formal divorce process before you can marry them?

Post # 71
Member
916 posts
Busy bee

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mojitomint44:  Best advice I was given was to STOP LOOKING. It sounds like you are putting way too much energy in finding the “one”, and you should be investing that time into yourself. Seek a therapist who will help you learn to love yourself and to truly enjoy being by yourself. Take a class for YOU, not in hopes to meet someone. Just stop. 

A person who is truly ok being single, will not make a grand gesture. ItS like all those people that are in miserable relationships, posting on Facebook how wonderful their relationship is. 

Post # 73
Member
15 posts
Newbee

You do need to commit to yourself and learn to love yourself. You do not need a literally self-centered ceremony and a registry to do so. 

Post # 74
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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mojitomint44:  I guess what I find perplexing is the polarizing approach you’re taking… you aren’t where you wanted/expected to be at this stage of your life relationship wise so you’ll just publicly commit to a life of solitude – seems a little melodramatic perhaps?! 

I am all for being true to one’s self and not losing or compromising yourself or your values etc., but I don’t think that has to be mutually exclusive to being open to letting life unfold as it may. 

I don’t know if you are familiar with the law of attraction, but I would encourage you to read about it, and even perhaps put into practice the philosophy for a period of time and see how it goes- you might be surprised at what unfolds in your life. 

At the end of the day, to each his own and if this is what you need and want to do, have a ball. But I suspect it is coming more from a place of frustration and defeat and if that’s the case that bums me out for you, and I think your energy (and $) could probably be directed to more productive outlets for self love.

Post # 75
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii

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MarriedToMyWork:  I would totally elect you Queen, I completely agree with everything you have said. I’d like to add that in this day and age most couples are two income households, making it even easier for them to acquire the typical registry items on their own. 

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mojitomint44:  I got engaged at 36, I was the very last one of my friends to do so. Prior to meeting my fiancé I described myself as a serial monogamist, as I had several long term relationships that did not work out. I had periods where I wanted to give up. My friends and family did not ever set me up, but I really didn’t expect them to. I met guys at bars, the gym, and other random places I went to in the world. I dated online regularly, and none of this talking and emailing for months before you meet, I met people in person pretty quickly. I don’t care how many emails you’ve sent, you won’t know if there’s chemistry until you meet in person face to face.  I can’t even guess at how many first dates I went on before meeting my fiance. I met my fiancé on OkCupid. We had about 2 emails and 2 phone calls before we met in person, and once we met there was instant chemistry. You sound frustrated and I remember that feeling, I was certain I would never get married. Don’t give up though if it’s what you truly want. Many people are completely happy and fulfilled being single but it sounds more like you are resolving to the fate of singledom being thrust upon you rather than happily choosing that path.

I do understand the registry, because there were many times where I spent a chunk of money on a friend’s registry items for showers and weddings that were items that I needed but could not really afford for myself. However, it does sound like your friends and family might find the self wedding odd and not want to buy gifts. Perhaps instead you could throw yourself a housewarming party and register for that? I thought about this option when I bought my home but ultimately didnt do it, but I have seen it done.

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