- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2016
From what I understand, the point of a “self marriage” (kind of bad wording that’s just asking for haters) is to commit to being the best person you can be for you. It’s committing to loving yourself, to meeting your goals, to being stable and healthy for yourself. It’s saying in front of family friends, “Maybe in the past I haven’t taken good care of myself, but I will now. Let’s celebrate the exciting future.”
And no, that doesn’t require a formal ceremony. But who cares? If someone truly feels they are going to be (or want to be) single for life, why shouldn’t they get to have a party to celebrate that? People throw parties for all sorts of reasons, and a wedding is a party.
My larger concern is if OP is settling. Settling for yourself kind of sounds like it’s going against the whole point of a “self marriage”. OP, I think you should make those commitments to yourself. Take care of yourself and if vows and an officiant help you do that better, then have a ceremony. But please continue to be open to love. And enjoy the single life! Not every guy is Mr. Right, but that doesn’t mean dating can’t be fun!
If I marry my husband, and years later meet someone else and decide I want to marry this new person, I can’t just say “oh, that first marriage didn’t count” and go marry the second person. Marriage is very real, there are consequences and ramifications to your life when you choose to enter one. So this “self marriage” with a ceremony and registry, that you would leave whenever you choose, feels incredibly disrespect to the institution of marriage, the idea of ACTUAL life-long commitment, and basically feels like you feel sorry for yourself.
instead of saving up for a “wedding” I would instead take big changes and save up to #1 redecorate/outfit myself with all the “adult” stuff that you have always waited for (personally I got married at >30 so I had already bought/been gifted for bdays/christmas most of the stuff I needed for my home) and #2 take a fabulous “honeymoon” to myself and of course #3 spend some time really learning to love myself and accept who I am (which seems to be something that your wedding doesn’t address but needs to be done)
for the price of a wedding (and potential awkwardness you would likely encounter when you tell this plan to family/friends) you could buy yourself all the pots and pans you every could want and still take a fabulous trip
I could definitely even see some sort of “self committment” ceremony as part of your trip…. maybe a big bonfire to burn up all the “baggage” of your past, or climb a mountain or get a tattoo or something
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This is a real question. Did you give yourself a ring?
My suggestion… Throw yourself a big birthday party next year instead. Buy yourself the necklace (or the ring) or whatever “reminder” makes you happy. Make the commitment to yourself, with yourself. There’s no need to publicly declare your defeat in finding a relationship because honestly that’s all I (and most others) woud make of such a ceremony the way you describe it. I probably wouldn’t attend something like this unless curiosity got the best of me. Hell, you can even go on “me-cation” to Hawaii afterwards. Calling it a “self marriage” and a “honeymoon” and doing a “registry” is just cringe worthy though. Especially when you aren’t vowing to a life of celibacy, or singledom, or anything along those lines, and are open to a relationship later. That really makes no sense.
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I’m not tagging everyone because if I did, it would take ages.
Having a night to sleep on this and reading these posts has given me a lot of prospective.
Yes, I’m hiring a personal trainer because I’m really overweight and need to become healthier.
Yes, I’m going to save up my money to buy those things that I’d like to have.
Yes, I’m going to start seeing a therapist and start working on becoming happier and content with myself as a person.
No, I’m not going to have a self-marriage ceremony.
I might buy myself a piece of jewelry, because I don’t have anything that would be considered fine jewelry.
I am really glad you took time to rethink this plan! While I totally agree it is important to be comfortable, happy and secure being alone, I think having a “self wedding” is very odd…
I DO understand where you are coming from being in your 30s and thinking you won’t meet anyone…I hope you will think about a few things…
1. MANY people don’t meet their ‘one” until they are older…I dated a lot of great guys in my 20s, but wasn’t ready to get married…when I wanted to get married in my 30s, I met one loser after another…and I wondered if I “missed my time”, or was being punished for turning down so many great guys…I met my fiance at 39 and he was worth the wait! I have never met anyone like him and while I met great guys, I think subconsciously, I KNEW something was missing…with him, everything was just right from the start…
2. You said you are very overweight…that can be fixed! I know it is hard, my weight fluctuates and I struggle with motivation and commitment, but know you aren’t the only one with that battle…MANY people share the battle – some just have more than others…you don’t have to be supermodel thin – just “healthy’…I just saw in another thread you said you are 5’7 and weigh 250…yeah, that is big, but that is NOT so far out of control that you can’t change that!! …and you can definitely lose more than 50 pounds in a year! (I thought when you said overweight you were talking 300- 400s)
3. You said you really don’t think you will ever meet someone and I am guessing based on your posts because of the weight? I have a good friend who is also in her 30s…I have known her for close to 20 years and she has had ONE 2 month relationship…and I am not sure he thought it was as much of a relationship as she did…anyway, for YEARS, she has been blaming her looks/weight on why she isn’t meeting anyone, or why nobody wants to “date” her…I have been baffled by this for YEARS…the other day, I finally realized what it is – she has a TERRIBLE attitude towards people! She is online dating and she doesn’t “roll” with ANYTHING…she dismisses people out of the gate for the smallest things…meanwhile, humor is often misportrayed over the written word…she comes across as such a stiff bitch…even in real life, she doesn’t cut anyone ANY slack…I think more than anything THAT is what is hurting her…
4. As far as getting “stuff”…I am now in my 40s…nobody gave me anything…I worked my ass off and provided the life for MYSELF…this notion that you need a shower, wedding, etc to furnish a house, get money, etc is RIDICULOUS…life is about choices and sacrafices…a TRULY “independent” person provides their own life
I wish you the best of luck…it seems you are open minded to hearing other people’s opinions which is a REALLY great trait…maybe this thread is what you needed to get a jump start on YOUR new life and new self! 🙂
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