(Closed) Anyone else having a Self-Marriage?

posted 5 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 91
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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MarriedToMyWork:  I agree with all of your points. And I suspect that the registry thing will die in the next few decades. Even now, we do it because it’s socially expected, but it’s not really necessary. Most of my peers are getting married in their mid- to late- twenties and already live together and have most of the things they need. It’s not like it was 80 years ago, when both halves of the couple really would be moving out of parents’ houses for the first time and have to build up from scratch. 

Post # 92
Member
3258 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

From what I understand, the point of a “self marriage” (kind of bad wording that’s just asking for haters) is to commit to being the best person you can be for you. It’s committing to loving yourself, to meeting your goals, to being stable and healthy for yourself. It’s saying in front of family friends, “Maybe in the past I haven’t taken good care of myself, but I will now. Let’s celebrate the exciting future.” 

And no, that doesn’t require a formal ceremony. But who cares? If someone truly feels they are going to be (or want to be) single for life, why shouldn’t they get to have a party to celebrate that? People throw parties for all sorts of reasons, and a wedding is a party.

My larger concern is if OP is settling. Settling for yourself kind of sounds like it’s going against the whole point of a “self marriage”. OP, I think you should make those commitments to yourself. Take care of yourself and if vows and an officiant help you do that better, then have a ceremony. But please continue to be open to love. And enjoy the single life! Not every guy is Mr. Right, but that doesn’t mean dating can’t be fun! 

Post # 93
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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mojitomint44:  this seems absurd to me, no matter how much you try to justify and explain it. You said on the first page that if you do meet someone, no need for divorce because there’s no legal part to this. So you yourself are calling this whole thing moot. 

If I marry my husband, and years later meet someone else and decide I want to marry this new person, I can’t just say “oh, that first marriage didn’t count” and go marry the second person. Marriage is very real, there are consequences and ramifications to your life when you choose to enter one. So this “self marriage” with a ceremony and registry, that you would leave whenever you choose, feels incredibly disrespect to the institution of marriage, the idea of ACTUAL life-long commitment, and basically feels like you feel sorry for yourself. 

Post # 94
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

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mojitomint44:  But that’s just my point. If the vows are so meaningless that you can casually dismiss them once you do find someone to love, why bother? I wasn’t talking about divorce from a legal perspective. But I guess for me, taking vows doesn’t mean much if you can toss them away once you get what you really want.

Post # 95
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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mojitomint44:  I think that you have some good ideas in here….. taking a big step to be “grown up” and accept who you are are and start living a new happier life

instead of saving up for a “wedding” I would instead take big changes and save up to #1 redecorate/outfit myself with all the “adult” stuff that you have always waited for (personally I got married at >30 so I had already bought/been gifted for bdays/christmas most of the stuff I needed for my home) and #2 take a fabulous “honeymoon” to myself and of course #3 spend some time really learning to love myself and accept who I am (which seems to be something that your wedding doesn’t address but needs to be done)

for the price of a wedding (and potential awkwardness you would likely encounter when you tell this plan to family/friends) you could buy yourself all the pots and pans you every could want and still take a fabulous trip

I could definitely even see some sort of “self committment” ceremony as part of your trip…. maybe a big bonfire to burn up all the “baggage” of your past, or climb a mountain or get a tattoo or something

Post # 96
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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mojitomint44:  Do you have any friends that have successfully met a partner on a dating site? What about asking them to help you re-do your profile. I’ve helped friends revamp their online presence to better reflect their personalities and the kind of person they are seeking, and it’s worked really well for them. Maybe someone can do this for you? My circle of friends and I have all had the best luck with Okcupid and other non-paying sites. 

Post # 97
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

[content moderated for personal attack]

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by ilovesophia.
Post # 98
Member
2740 posts
Sugar bee

This is a real question.  Did you give yourself a ring?

Post # 99
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My suggestion… Throw yourself a big birthday party next year instead. Buy yourself the necklace (or the ring) or whatever “reminder” makes you happy. Make the commitment to yourself, with yourself. There’s no need to publicly declare your defeat in finding a relationship because honestly that’s all I (and most others) woud make of such a ceremony the way you describe it.  I probably wouldn’t attend something like this unless curiosity got the best of me. Hell, you can even go on “me-cation” to Hawaii afterwards. Calling it a “self marriage” and a “honeymoon” and doing a “registry” is just cringe worthy though. Especially when you aren’t vowing to a life of celibacy, or singledom, or anything along those lines, and are open to a relationship later. That really makes no sense. 

Post # 100
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

[content moderated for baiting]

Post # 101
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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ilovesophia:  Wow, I can be pretty harsh myself but that’s cold. 

Post # 102
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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mojitomint44:  Majority of the blacklash here has been from the fact that you publicly want to celebrate this occasion with others, in a similar style to a wedding. While I haven’t seen/heard of a real self-marriage (only those on TV), I think the best way to celebrate it probably to spend it travelling and exploring the world, really taking on challenges that help you develop new skills and basically working on who you are, as a person. Then hopefully when you return from this sabatical, you can have a wicked ‘back home’ party and i think it may be easier for others to grasp the changes and commitment you want to celebrate, because theres a larger element to it.

Post # 103
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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mrsbrizz2017:  that is a fabulous photo! And I was thinking along the same lines. 

Post # 105
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

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mojitomint44:  

I am really glad you took time to rethink this plan! While I totally agree it is important to be comfortable, happy and secure being alone, I think having a “self wedding” is very odd…

I DO understand where you are coming from being in your 30s and thinking you won’t meet anyone…I hope you will think about a few things…

1. MANY people don’t meet their ‘one” until they are older…I dated a lot of great guys in my 20s, but wasn’t ready to get married…when I wanted to get married in my 30s, I met one loser after another…and I wondered if I “missed my time”, or was being punished for turning down so many great guys…I met my fiance at 39 and he was worth the wait! I have never met anyone like him and while I met great guys, I think subconsciously, I KNEW something was missing…with him, everything was just right from the start…

2. You said you are very overweight…that can be fixed! I know it is hard, my weight fluctuates and I struggle with motivation and commitment, but know you aren’t the only one with that battle…MANY people share the battle – some just have more than others…you don’t have to be supermodel thin – just “healthy’…I just saw in another thread you said you are 5’7 and weigh 250…yeah, that is big, but that is NOT so far out of control that you can’t change that!! …and you can definitely lose more than 50 pounds in a year! (I thought when you said overweight you were talking 300- 400s)

3. You said you really don’t think you will ever meet someone and I am guessing based on your posts because of the weight? I have a good friend who is also in her 30s…I have known her for close to 20 years and she has had ONE 2 month relationship…and I am not sure he thought it was as much of a relationship as she did…anyway, for YEARS, she has been blaming her looks/weight on why she isn’t meeting anyone, or why nobody wants to “date” her…I have been baffled by this for YEARS…the other day, I finally realized what it is – she has a TERRIBLE attitude towards people! She is online dating and she doesn’t “roll” with ANYTHING…she dismisses people out of the gate for the smallest things…meanwhile, humor is often misportrayed over the written word…she comes across as such a stiff bitch…even in real life, she doesn’t cut anyone ANY slack…I think more than anything THAT is what is hurting her…

4. As far as getting “stuff”…I am now in my 40s…nobody gave me anything…I worked my ass off and provided the life for MYSELF…this notion that you need a shower, wedding, etc to furnish a house, get money, etc is RIDICULOUS…life is about choices and sacrafices…a TRULY “independent” person provides their own life

I wish you the best of luck…it seems you are open minded to hearing other people’s opinions which is a REALLY great trait…maybe this thread is what you needed to get a jump start on YOUR new life and new self! 🙂 

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