Post # 1
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
We want to get married this October.. 6 MONTHS AWAY! 🙂
But, everytime I try and talk about anything to do with the wedding, my Fiance doesn’t seem interested and says for me to do what I want yet he DEFINITELY has a major opinion about everything!
I don’t want to make these decisions without him and want and need his imput. We don’t even have a venue yet, but when I find something interesting or we go to see something, he either shoots it down, doesn’t like it, brings his cousin, or is extremely non-chalant.
I’m about at my breaking point to say we should just wait until spring because everything is already booked or will be soon. I’m getting stressed because I don’t like to do these kinds of things last minute and every girl dreams of a special wedding, but this doesn’t feel special at all. It hurts so bad. Not just because of him, but my mom’s not very excited because she has control issues and we’re not doing anything the way she wants us to.
I know he’s the right person and he talks alllllllll the time about after the wedding and after we’re married, but just not about the actual wedding.
I just thought planning a wedding with my best friend and love would be fun. But it’s not.
Post # 3
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
My husband had no interest in the planning but he also didn’t object to my ideas so I can see where that would be frustrating. What does he say when you tell him that his attitude is stressing you out?
Post # 4
Member
3565 posts
Sugar bee
At first Fiance told me “Do whatever you want, just let me know when we are taste-testing food, and what time I need to be ready the day of the wedding.”
I explained to him that it was his wedding too and that I wanted both of us to have imput on things, so while I am handling almost all of the small details, he did get involved in picking our venue, photographer, dj, and caterer.
If talking to him about this doesn’t help, then you need to figure out what his problem is!
Post # 5
Member
9677 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
My Fiance has no interest either but he doesn’t really object to anything so that makes it easier because I get to do exactly what I want!!
Can you ask him if it’s ok if you just plan it without (much) help from him. I mean I could see where you would ask his opinions on the venue and on the ceremony and the food. But you don’t need his opinions on colors, flowers, invites, decor, etc. Can you ask him if he is willing to help you with a set number of things and tell him you will take care of the rest?
Otherwise I’d just end up mad and telling him that we don’t have to get married at all then and there is no wedding since he doesn’t want to help and says NO to everything you do!
Post # 6
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
My Fiance isn’t that interested either. He’ll do tasks I give him, but otherwise he’s not fussed about what I decide.
It seems like the problem you have is that he’s got opinions, but he’s not helping implement them. So give him a choice – he can either be helpful and start making some decisions, or he can live with what you decide, and he’s not allowed to complain.
Post # 7
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee
First, don’t worry about having a six month engagement. I am getting married in 15 days and we will only be engaged for 4.5 months.
In general, men are not interested in planning a wedding. They don’t want to discuss the details. Here’s an option: give him two or three options of your top two or three and let him choose. That way he isn’t boggled down with details.
Don’t worry though, you are not the first and will not be the last bride who’s FH is this way.
Post # 8
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
Yep, Fiance has very strong opinions on this wedding but he wont talk about what he wants, and shoots down alot of ideas that I have. I have been trying to get him to do simple tasks that we are supposed to do “together”. Like registry. I showed him at least 100 different patterns of dish sets and all of then were promptly rejected. I know its gets frustrating but I just keep trying.
Post # 9
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
@leahlou: Is it possible that when you decided to get married he hadn’t really thought about what the wedding itself entailed…so his original response was simply to say “you do it”. Then, once he actually saw what you are doing, he realized that he might have an opinion?
Perhaps you could take a wedding check list out to show him what exactlly planning a wedding entails. That way you could verify what he feels okay with you doing all on your own…versus what he thinks he wants to collaborate on.
Once you have your items marked as “on your own”…don’t include him at all in those things. Collaborate and include him in the items you do have marked for this…but show him the time frame that these are usually done on the list (6 months, 4 monts, 2 months) so he realizes there may not be time to have too much of an opinion.
Post # 10
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
My Fiance is very laid back when it’s come to the wedding. The most he told me was to check out a place for the venue, but only because I wouldn’t find it on my own since we’re having it near his hometown. Yeah. That’s about it. He’s not even sure if he wants to do suits or tuxes, who exactly he wants standing up with him, and he doesn’t give a rats butt what centerpieces I decide on… or pretty much anything else.
Post # 11
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@leahlou: Sit down and have a wedding conversation. Is even ready to set a date? A lot of times when they don’t want to be involved in the planning except to shoot ideas down, they aren’t quite ready to set the date.
Once you establish that he is ready to set a date and start actually planning the wedding, ask him how involved does he plan on being? Tell him that if vetos an idea, then it must be for a good reason and he must also provide an alternative. If he is unable to do both, then that option is still on the table. The time for procrastinating and complaining is over, if the wedding is going to happen in October, things need to get booked ASAP so he can start being helpful or he can shut the F up.
Post # 12
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
The only think I’ve even asked him about is the venue for the ceremony and reception, the general theme, what he wants to wear, and food.
@dihy: Oh that’s what I initially thought. But when we actually sat down and I showed him the checklist, maybe he got overwhelmed? But still has a MAJOR opinion?
@LiliKitty: I wish my man had a little bit more laid-back-ness to him! I do love him the way he is, but he is just so darn stubborn!
@beachbride1216: He’s the one that is firm and I mean FIRM on the date! We had to shoot down some venues because they didn’t have the day! We do need to have a conversation ASAP, but he usually changes the subject or I just don’t know what to say. :/
Post # 13
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Tell him you are concerned that he doesn’t actually want to get married on X date because if he does then the two of you need to start making decisions now so you can sign contracts and put down deposits. If he is still non-committal, tell him you have two options: 1) start planning without him (probably not a good idea); or 2) stop planning altogether (also not a good idea if he is firm on the date.)
Some guys are buttheads about planning weddings. Sorry you have to deal with one.
Post # 14
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
I have that, and a bag of chips, namely “you care more about wedding than about me” thrown in every now and then from Fiance. Here are a few things that have worked: have meetings/conversation times set aside, so it’s not a tag-on to a casual conversation about something else. Only ask about life or death stuff. If you don’t have a venue, don’t ask about what he wants to wear, it’s irrelevant if there is no date/venue. He’ll wear pants and shirt, the rest you can figure out closer to the date after you get the major stuff out of the way.
Agree on the budget and main line items, you can’t ask questions without having that done first, i think it’s pretty pointless. Maybe he is dreading the money talk and is subcosciously stalling the whole affair to avoid it? Ask how much he wants to be involved? Maybe he doesn’t want to look at venues at all and you can make that call. If he wants to be involved on item X then before looking at anything ask him 3-4 must have features (e.g. within budget, outside area with water view for ceremony, driving distance from XYZ, how many guest capacity, etc.), write down your own must haves as well – that way it’s easier to assess the potential options and you have some ammo if he is nonchalant – as in: sweetie it fits 7 out of 8 of our must have criteria, compared to the previous option it’s a much better deal. You get the idea.
If your Future Mother-In-Law is sane, you can enlist her help on pushing this project along, but it’s a tricky balance- the risk is having your wedding vision hijacked…
Post # 15
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
Thank you so much ladies!
I think at this point, we’re going to sit down and TALK.
(Background: I am always scared to speak my mind because I am terrified of anger and strong reactions. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and he’s helped TONS, but I still struggle with the fear of anger and conflict)
I want to get married but I need his help on venue and food. That’s it. I got the rest. So unless he has an idea, I’m running with it after we pick those 2 things out. Otherwise, I’m just going to give him options.
I know we’re both scared of money because we’re tight and neither set of parents can help. But, we can have a pretty wedding at his family’s property for all I care! I just want a decision made!
This is about us coming together and vowing to love each other for the rest of our days. It’s not about the party or the food or the view (although those things are nice), it’s about us. Maybe I’m so hurt because he doesn’t see that it’s such a big day, at least to me. It’s the beginning of the rest of our lives together and that’s why we should meet in the middle and make it an event that represents US not just me! 🙂
Post # 16
Member
13 posts
Newbee
I haven’t done a ton of wedding planning yet, but what I have done is do almost all of the research and come up with a set of options to present to him. I pretty much looked into every venue on the knot, contacted the ones I was interested it, figured out total costs, which places we could and couldn’t afford and came up with a final 3.
I knew it would be a headache to drag him to all of this wedding stuff, so I made 3 appointments in one day for venues and we ended up picking our place from that. If I kept asking him every weekend to go somewhere else, he would get sick of it.
Same thing with food – can you study the menu (assuming you don’t have a choice of caterer) and come up with your list of things to try at the tasting, things like that?
