(Closed) anyone else main breadwinner and worry about the future?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Why not combine his passion for music with teaching??? Can he go back to school and become a teacher? Granted, teachers aren’t usually paid extremely well but they do make more than minimum wage with benefits. Just something to look into in my opinion.

As far as your parent’s opinions on who makes what…it’s really none of their business. If you are living on your own and choose to help support your Fiance, then that is your business. Who’s to say that women can’t make more than men and be the primary breadwinner? I think their old-fashioned views of the husband/wife roles may be outdated. Just something to think about and possibly explore during premarital counseling with your pastor. I think it will benefit you both in what your expectations of one another will be for your future marriage.

Post # 4
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well, I don’t have exactly the same situation as you, but similar.  I am the breadwinner with the 9-5 job and health insurance.  My hubs owns his own small business.  It is feast or famine for him and for the past 5 years I’ve helped him keep it afloat when things got really slow.  I could never be a stay at home mom either, because his income is very erratic and it’s incredibly hard for him to save anything.  We could not rely on his business income to support all our debt. 

I accept this about him because it has been this way for so long and I see it as a positive that he has built this thing up out of nothing, strong work ethic, etc.  My family used to look at as a bad thing, that I made more.  However I made it clear that they were not in a position to judge my family, and it stopped after that.  Maybe this is something you should try as well.

If you are looking for advice, I think the best you will find is to stop thinking about what everyone else is thinking.  This is going to be the man you marry, and when you marry him you have to take on and accept all his baggage.  Whether it’s emotional or financial, you have to trust eachother with your flaws.  You should accept now that you may never be able to be a stay at home mom.  That fact shouldn’t make you feel wierd, this is the case for a large percentage of the population.  You just have to accept it as a real possibility.

It is hard to be supportive without being a nag, or worse, have the other person take your support as something negative.  That happens, because it sucks to be in his situation, and sometimes kindness just doesn’t translate the way it should.  My best advice for him would be to think about going back to school. take night classes while working his crap job, whatever it takes to allow him more choices.  I don’t know what your situation is with being able to pay for that, but it seems like the logical choice to allow him to do better in the long run.

sorry for the ramble.  i hope that helped, to know you are def not alone?

Post # 6
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@mrsworry: I know we are having some serious education cuts in my home state as well. I am sorry to hear that!

We thought premarital counseling was going to be boring since we knew everything about one another, but we actually loved how much we learned that we hadn’t discussed before. I think you will like it too.

Post # 8
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@mrsworry:  Are you ok with being the main breadwinner?  I ask that because your story sounds exactly how things were with my ex-bf.  He was so passionate about music and anything music related, but he never made enough for it to be sustainable for him (let alone us and the 4 kids he wanted!).  

The situation ended up being a lot more about ME than about him.  I was a lot like you and really worried about how we’d make it in the future – how we’d live, pay bills, make a life for ourselves.  He was 100% fine living life the way he was doing it and didn’t worry about those things.  It just wasn’t who HE was.

It was when I realized that I wasn’t okay being the sole breadwinner while he got to ‘play’.  It wasn’t an issue of ambition (because he did have ambition) but it was more about my breaking points and realizing that I couldn’t live like that.  I’d always feel like a super big nag, wanting him to contribute more to the household, feeling like his mother (since he also shirked away from normal adult responsibility stuff), and would ultimately resent him for it.

When I told him what my needs were as it related to our relationship, he told me (in not so many words but in action) that he wasn’t ready to do what I needed from him.

How old are you guys?  We struggled with this through pretty much our entire 20’s until I realized he wasn’t going to magically  ‘grow up’ and get a job.  

While I think I’m fairly ambitious, I still don’t know what I want to do – but I know what kind of life I want… so I do the job that gives me that.  That thinking isn’t true for all people and certainly wasn’t true for my ex.  

If your Fiance is hard-working and desires to work, that’s one thing.  But, if he’s lazy about it because he’d rather just work on music, then that’s a maturity issue (IMO) and needs addressing.  If he were single, then more power to him… but considering you two are getting married and there could be future kids involved, then that’s another story.

I currently make more than Darling Husband and would consider myself the breadwinner.  DH is by no means anything like my ex – while he makes less than I do (and probably always will) he’s hard working and would sacrifice anything to contribute to our financial health.  I see him as an equal partner when it comes to our finances vs. feeling like the ‘mom’ with my ex.

didn’t mean for this to be so long-winded… I hope some of my experience has helped!

Post # 9
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This is almost me and Fiance to a T!

I’m the ONLY breadwinner as my Fiance doesn’t have his GED and the more I try to encourage him to take the test the more he fights back. He doesn’t even have a part time job but he is the go-to guy in a local band. If it isn’t music related he isn’t interested. At this rate we are never going to be able to afford anything extra let alone a wedding. If I get sick and miss even ONE day of work we will not be able to pay the bills that month.

He has a construction type job lined up for the summer but we don’t know how much he will be earning or how long the work will last and every time I try to get him to look for even a part-time job he gets moody and argumentative.  I love him dearly, but music is more important to him than I am and it’s really frustrating.

Post # 10
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@oracle: Yes! This is exactly how I feel. My problem is motivating someone with depression without pushing him (or myself!) over the edge.

Post # 11
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I went through a similar thing. I have had a professional job for almost 4 years now and my finance was a student or worked min wage jobs up until last May. It was so rough and we went through a super hard time due to me being the only one making money (I too was very worried about our future). And I’m not going to lie – I would love to stay home and look after the house and kinds, but thats never going to happen because I will be making more money than him for at least the next decade.

Your finance needs to do something about his career for you guys and if not for his own self worth. The music industry is a hard one to crack and even getting a job in non artist related areas is highly competetive (e.g. artist management, PR, etc.). But I’m sure there are other creative areas that your finance is interested in as well – encourage him to explore his options and perhaps even get a diploma in a field that has good job prospects.

Post # 12
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@mrsworry: I kind of understand where youre coming from. I earn more and most likely always will, because of the field I am in. I also carry the health insurance. He doesn’t have a college degree but does make a decent living for himself. We both worry about the future. We had some issues at first where I really felt like I was carrying the burden of paying all the bills (from our joint account), and I was responsible for watching the budget, etc. We talked about it a lot and things are improving.

I think you guys need to talk about where he sees himself in 5 years, 10 years, etc. and where he sees you guys as a couple. Most people dont get to work in a field that theyre truely passionate about (I am jealous of those who do), and if music isnt providing for the family then it might be time to look into employment that will. Music will always be there for him, as a side job or just a hobby, but at some point he needs to figure out how he will help provide for your future together.

Post # 14
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Potatoes: I strongly believe your spouse makes you a better person, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do (specifically) to change the way a person is wired to think.  Meaning, this issue will likely always be a struggle for the two of you.  I was so tired of feeling crazy for being frustrated that my ex wouldn’t even consider a full-time job (because then he wouldn’t have time for his passions (ie: the band/music)) that I realized we were just in two totally different places.  I would always want him to change this about himself and he certainly wasn’t ready.  There wasn’t anything I could do to motivate him to change – he had to do it himself and I wasn’t willing to wait around indefinitely until he did.

 

@mrsworry:  That’s awesome that your Fiance is so hard-working.  That’s a definitely plus, in my book!  And, the desire to change and better oneself is also huge.  I’m surprised that at your ages, people are still ‘speaking into’ your finances.  Do you vent to these people about it?  Unless it’s someone like your mom, I’d just come up with a blanket statement (or, maybe to your mom as well) – ie: “we are on the same page with our finances and are committed to making the most of a difficult economic time.”   That’s incredibly rude for them to make comments!

Post # 16
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@oracle: To be fair, we are young (He’s 21 and I’m 22) and so he wants to have a chance to “play” which I don’t have too much issue with for the most part. The biggest issue I have is my family butting in where they shouldn’t and wondering what will happen if I get sick and have to miss work. He is very good at what he does and is very dedicated to it, but I wish he would put more consideration into “us” and not just “the band”.

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