(Closed) Anyone else NOT changing their name?

posted 4 years ago in Names
Post # 46
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

I kept my maiden name as my middle name and changed my last name to his.  Professionally, I still use my maiden name.  I live in a pretty convervative area and while a few people have expressed surprise or their disapproval, overwhelmingly, the response (especially from other women) has been supportive.

Post # 47
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee

silkybutterbee:  That’s hilarious. My FI’s brother (who is younger than me by 2-3 years), was shocked and offended that I am not taking their family name.

I said why would I?  My surname proves descent from a royal house.  Your brother is marrying UP by marrying me, if anything he should take mine! Having our own names doesn’t make us less married.

(My Fiance was trying so hard not to laugh. He told me afterwards that he had always assumed I would keep my name, he knows how much I love my surname and the connection to my heritage.)

Whatever a person chooses to do with their name is their business, but I don’t understand why some people take such offense to women keeping their name.

Post # 48
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2016

My fiance’s taking my name! We’re from different cultural backgrounds, and he’s always loved and felt drawn to culture where my last name originates. Add to that, his own last name is that of his step-father’s (his step father is a rather nasty piece of work, and has treated him pretty shittily his whole life) – so he has no emotional attachment to it (it might be different if it was his mother’s maiden name or his biological father’s name). Anyway, I love my surname and feel like my name is me, so wouldn’t have changed it when we marry – but I do love that we’ll have the same name. It was completely my partner’s idea – but I’m so on board and my family think it’s awesome and love him even more (if that’s possible) 🙂

 

Post # 49
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

I haven’t changed my name and no one seems to care. Most of the women in my husband’s family kept their maiden names, including his mother. I might change my name eventually when we have children.

Post # 50
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

llevinso:  just thought i’d pop in to say that i was staunchly in the “not changing my name” camp forever and dh didn’t care at all. then, at the last minute when we were getting all the marriage paperwork the lady asked if i wanted to change my name and i just felt an intense emotional pull to do it. suddenly it just seemed wildly romantic.

i started thinking about it because i felt very nervous about doing it. i live in an area where changing your name is not the norm and is considered super old fashioned. i thought about it and i realized my reasoning for not changing (mostly equality/feminist reasons) didn’t really make that much sense to me anymore since my “maiden” last name, which was not of my choosing, was my father’s name. so in my mind it was still a “man’s” last name, but unlike dh i had no choice in it. i chose dh and in the end i chose to take his last name and i love it. i have zero regrets. 

i’m definitely not trying to convince anyone one way or the other, i just think you should choose what’s right for you and don’t worry too much about what people will think. i’ve gotten plenty of side eyes about taking his name and lots of rude questions where the question asker is pretty clear on what they think. it’s almost like they think they’re educating me on feminism or ladysplaining to me. you might encounter some holier than thou married ladies who think not changing your name means you’re a ballbuster or not committed. screw ’em. do what you want 🙂 

also, i realized that if i kept my original last name people would call me “mrs. original last name”, which is my mother’s name…kind of weird. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  mrshomemaker.
Post # 51
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not changing my name. My fiance is completely okay with that though I think his parents will be mad. Too bad for them. I’ve already had to correct some friends of ours and we’re not even married yet! If we decide to have kids, I may change my name then as I like the idea of sharing a name. Yes i could give them mine, but my fiance’s name is still uncommon but easier to spell and pronounce. I’ve also considered giving a daughter mine and a son his, but I think that might be weirder…

Post # 52
Member
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m not changing my name. I like doing genealogy research and it really bugs me to not be able to find female ancestors because their names changed with marriage or to have to do extra work to find them. Something about that makes me adamant about not changing my name.

Fiance would like for me to change my name. I’ve told him he’s welcome to call me Mrs. His Last Name. I actually like the way it sounds. But I won’t officially change it, though.

Post # 53
Member
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

When I was in junior high there was a teacher whose last name was Weiner-Long. We all used to giggle about it and I wondered (more than once) why she’d hyphenated it. Then another teacher told us that HER last name had been Long before marriage and they decided as a couple to both hyphenate AND put her name last.

Post # 54
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve become very torn over this recently! I always thought I would take FI’s last name… especially since my last name is weird lol. However his last name is Smith. So it’s either my weird last name or enter the world of the most common name ever 

Post # 55
Member
6276 posts
Bee Keeper

I have some questions for bees that have kept their surname, if you don’t mind?

my instinct is to keep mine and be mr&mrs hisname socially but I have some practical questions

1) do you have to decide what you’re doing before you’re legally married?

2) if you keep your name for somethings, say work, but change for other joint things, like bank accounts, does it become an admin nightmare?  

3) do you use miss/ms/Mrs with your original surname?

ideally I’d like to double barrel out names but they are so similar it sounds very daft. 

Post # 56
Member
6276 posts
Bee Keeper

queenieheather:  ha ha! One of my best friends was a smith and married a smith. She was delighted not to have the name change faff debate/admin. 

Post # 57
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am in limbo, engaged and deciding….I always said I’d never change it. I wish we had the Spanish naming custom. It is just the ultimate brilliant way of placing everyone in a family and it’s so practical. I find the Mr and Mrs X thing quite cute and kitsch for weddign decor etc. but at 40 I just AM my name and can’t quite let go of that identity. I agree with the point about geneology and I just gave up looking for female friends on Facebook as most of their identities are now gone forever (I’m 40 so I was trying to trace old uni friends from before social media days but I can only find the men- so sad).

I wanted to add that I don’t really get the argument that ‘it’s just a man’s name anyway, so you may as well take your husband’s over your dad’s’. If you owned it since you were born,  is it 100% yours. You didn’t ‘borrow’ it from your dad any more than your brother did. And you own the family history it contains. It’s your bloodline. Maybe it’s only a fraction of your total bloodline but it’s still yours. It tells people something about where you’re from.

I get asked if I’ve budgeted to get my passport and all my bank accounts changed. I won’t be doing any of that in a rush. It’s amazing how many people believe that there’s a legal obligation to do it. (In the UK that is not the case unless you choose to change it).  

The one thing that grates with me is the idea of being called Mrs Mysurname, and people assuming I married a man called Mysurname. Apparently in Germany (??) all women are Mrs beyond age 18 and Miss is just for children, like Master is for boys. I think that would be one step forward we could take. I don’t like the idea of single accomplished women in their 60s having to be a Miss or mumbling Ms which is an ugly word with no tradtion to it.

In summary- he can call me Mrs Hisname if he likes and so can family and friends, but I’m not spending money on the change and I’m still Myname on social media and in my heart!

Post # 58
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

UK-bee:  great questions. You sound like you’re on the same page as me.

Post # 59
Member
3171 posts
Sugar bee

UK-bee:  I can’t answer all of those questions however, I’ve noticed a few people mention the Mrs./Ms. thing. To be clear, those are salutations and you can choose to use whatever you like. I will use Ms after I’m married like I do now because I don’t believe women should have to change their salutation to denote marriedness when men do not. I would use it no matter what last name I chose. People can choose any combo they wish – Mrs./Ms. and original name/husbands name – it’s down to personal preference 

Post # 60
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

llevinso:  I didn’t legally change my name, but socially it just happened. All of our mail from family and friends comes to Mr. And Mrs. X, I am a teacher and my first graders insisted on knowing my hubby’s last name, and now they call me it!  It bothers my husband a bit, but I would be more bothered by changing it!

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