Anyone else not inviting their family?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
besthyperbole :  

I can relate 100%. It’s such a relief to see somebody else with the same problem!

My family also has untreated mental illness and substance abuse, and my FI’s family has abuse.

I’ve been living halfway across the country from my family for 15 years, I’ve been home a few times and EVERY time, it turns into a disaster. People fight, storm out of the room, try to get you to pick sides, and trying to de-escalate fails because they WANT to be assholes. Plus my dad is a drunk, and when he shows up you never know if he’s going to act normal or act insane and start crying about shit from the 80’s he can’t process because he refuses all forms of therapy.

And the cherry on top: two of my siblings made it perfectly clear they don’t like my Fiance. How do I know? My 2nd sister spoke to my best friend, hoping she would “talk some sense into me”! My best friend told me, and she questioned my sister to find out why she didn’t like my Fiance. All of sister 2’s reasons were superficial, including “he looks like an idiot”. I guess that makes him a bad person!

EVERY time I go home to visit, my brother (who always follows sister # 2’s lead on everything) ambushes me about it, including telling me I should “make it up” to sister # 2 about our constant quarreling over this, as if I am in the wrong for deciding to marry somebody she doesn’t like!!

And I can’t forget their very subtle attempt to convince me I shouldn’t marry him when they forwaded me “interesting articles to read” about “are you sure you are marrying the right person?”. Insert massive eyeroll.

My Fiance treats me like a queen, for what it’s worth. But apparently he’s not good enough for me according to S2 and brother. My mom, my grandparents, and my other siblings think he is great and welcomed him into the family.

So yeah I can relate! We are getting married in a church and two witnesses, and informing our families afterwards. I feel like the wedding isn’t the secret, they’ve known the date we plan to wed for awhile. We just changed our mind about sending invites to anybody. I thought long and hard about if I wanted to wed back home, and everytime I thought about having to invite two siblings who hate my Fiance, I felt sick.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

View original reply
besthyperbole :  We are doing something super similar. 

I’m the one with the Tragic Backstory™  and I have cut off all contact with both of my parents at one time or another. I don’t speak to my older sister either. My younger sisters and I have a reasonably cordial relationship, but probably wouldn’t be able to afford to make the trip we’re planning

Initially we had looked at doing something local, but a bunch of nonsense from his family – which included his sister saying we could get married at their property, then waiting 6 weeks (after I put a deposit on a photographer, no less) to withdraw the invitation saying her husband was concerned our friends would all leave the wedding drunk and cause them to lose their liquor license. This drew stark attention to the fact that while they aren’t actively opposed to the idea, they aren’t actively supportive of him in this, or really any other aspect of his life. 

His mom has been saying we should elope ever since we mentioned we were planning to get married. She thinks weddings are a waste of money. She also thinks that since we don’t make 7 figures, we’re poor… 

To us, the whole point of the wedding is to celebrate with the people we love the most, who are happy for us too. We realized we’d prefer our wedding to only include those folks. 

So, we decided to tell his family we are eloping. As far as they will know, it’s just the two of us taking a trip to Banff to get married. In reality we are inviting about 20 people to join us. 

We decided not to tell them they weren’t included because his family has this powerful need for things to APPEAR perfect. We call it the Happy Family Diorama – we’re supposed to show up, stay quiet, look pleasant and act as props in the family scene. Anything else interferes with their little fantasy and prompts a scolding.

We just knew it would be less drama to tell them we’re eloping, than explain to them that they are unpleasant and we don’t want to hang out with them on the happiest day of our lives. If they think we aren’t inviting ANYONE, then they can’t be mad we aren’t inviting THEM.

I’m a great believer that you only owe people the level of care and respect they offer you. Being related to someone is never a justification to mistreat them, or to accept being mistreated by them. People are not entitled to a place in your life – or at your wedding. It’s a priviledge earned. If they haven’t demonstrated a respect for you, and the ability to behave appropriately on your wedding day, they have no right to be included.

Hang tough! Do what’s best for you! Do it free of shame or guilt – you are creating a new family with your FH and you are allowed to decide who is included. 

Post # 6
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i did not invite my mom’s brother or his family as she hasn’t spoken to him in many years so i have no relationship.

i also didn’t invite anyone from my father’s side.  my father passed away 3 years before i got married.  my parents divorced when i was a teenage.  i already didn’t have much to do with them, but when my father passed, there was no more reason invite them as i don’t have any relationship with them,

Post # 7
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

View original reply
besthyperbole :  

Having a partner on your side makes all the difference. I was married before and my EXH and mom were like, BESTIES. Seriously. When I left him – over domestic violence and other serious issues – she was MAD AT ME. We split in 2001 and up until I stopped talking to her in 2015, she would still ask how he was doing and tell me how much she missed him.

 

FH is basically always on my side. I’ve never had such unwavering support in my life. It is a truly amazing feeling.

 

Also, I wanted to say, as a fellow trauma survivor, recovery IS hard. I think some of the most challenging months of my life were those I spent in EMDR sessions. It was like being split open with a can opener and hollowed out with a melon baller. Even though it was hard, it was so totally worth it; I started sleeping all the way through the night for the first time in my life. It was life changing really – but you have to walk through the fire to get to there.

 

Facing the work and pushing through it are a courageous thing. So is setting boundaries for people who have hurt you. If you start to waver or feel guilty, just remember you are carving out space to protect not only yourself, but your Fiance too. And you both deserve it.

Post # 8
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yep. I can SO relate. It’s not my parents, but several cousins for me. Some have substance abuse, and others untreated mental illness as some of you have mentioned. I have one cousin who also likes to take advantage of others constantly, and is known for bringing along lots of uninvited guests to events. She and her husband are known moochers who make themselves the center of attention at any given moment. So she won’t be invited either. It’s a little awkward because, in some instances, I’m inviting my aunt and uncle, but not their children. Or I am inviting one cousin but not their sibling. I haven’t sent out invitations yet, so I’m not quite sure how some of it will pan out. My mother in law has also requested her brother not be invited, as he has issues with drug use and has been very verbally abusive and has isolated himself from the family. As sad as it is, sometimes it’s just better to not open that can of worms on your happy day. The likelihood of something coming up is pretty high, and it’s just not the day for it. 

Post # 9
Member
8262 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I didn’t invite my dad, or anyone on his side of the family (tons of aunts, cousins & their kids). I was so much happier without their drama lol. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors