- 7 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
I apologize that this is so long, but I don’t know what to do and I have been a bad bad bad waiting bee. I will be the first to admit that I am not very patient about waiting. Long story short is that SO and I set May 2012 our deadline to be engaged. SO has had a rough year financially, most of which was out of his control. In November 2011 he told me for the first time about his financial difficulties the last few months, that his savings was drained, and it wasn’t going to happen before our anniversary in May. I gave him a one year extension to May 2013, but I was really disappointed and I let that show. We started fighting about getting engaged and it’s pretty much the only thing we fight about.
SO felt bad that we weren’t getting engaged yet but said he would do his best to give me a “decent anniversary” in May 2012. He cooked me a 5 course meal, bought a romantic movie I had wanted to see, and got me a small gift and a very sweet card. It really was a nice anniversary. Then after the movie ended I looked down at my phone to learn that a friend of mine (who had not been dating her SO as long as SO and I have) that her SO proposed. I was crushed.
It has been downhill from there. I had all kinds of illogical thoughts- am I not good enough? Does SO not love me enough? If he really loved me, why couldn’t he propose with a ring pop? I felt like something was wrong with me and I was in a funk. I felt like I needed to be honest with SO about how I felt about everything but maybe pushed it too far. I was relentless and blamed him for bringing my life to standstill (which is how I felt). I made catty comments like, I’m not going on the couples trip with your friends because everyone else is married and we aren’t fully committed. Harping him about being just his girlfriend.
I’m not proud of my actions, and it’s embarrassing to admit that I am SUCH a NAGGER. I just didn’t want him to think he could miss a deadline or walk all over me. And I was hurting and I was feeling crazy and I couldn’t sleep and I was having a hard time getting over it. I joined the waiting board and it helped a lot, but I just couldn’t completely get over it.
I was worried that all this grief and all these arguments would ruin the proposal when it did happen. I thought it wouldn’t be exciting or romantic and that it would be more like, it’s about time! I told SO I felt like this and he told me his HR lady thought it would be romantic (he had an idea for the proposal), even if I wouldn’t be surprised and see it coming from a mile away. When I asked him about it, he told me that I would see it coming a mile away because we would be on vacation in a foreign country so wouldn’t be surprised but that it would be romantic. I want to kick myself for pushing it because I ruined the surprise. As soon as I know I’m going to a foreign country I know it will happen during the trip. I even asked if he was just telling me that to throw me off his trail and surprise me and he said no. He has every intention of proposing in a particular country for a reason I do not know and said he figured it out over a year ago and he wasn’t going to change it.
I told him I didn’t need to be in a foreign country with a pricey ring but he refuses to do or give anything less and said it would hurt his pride to get a less expensive ring. I try to be realistic and practical-he’s broke! How does he think he is going to get a pricey ring and pay for an international vacation? That’s going to be a long time, and I am skeptical he can pull it off by May 2013. I recently loaned him money to help with his rent.
The other day I asked if the current deadline was realistic and offered to push it back and it was a disaster. SO said he is going to propose as soon as he possibly can because he can’t wait to propose to me already so that he can find peace. I was worried that he might be proposing for the wrong reason. I said I want him to propose because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and build a future together. He said he’s known he wanted a future together but now he just wants to get the proposal over with and it’s really more like an obligation to him. He said he is sorry he failed me and he just wants to make me happy again. He said I have been torturing him the last couple months and he just wants the old me back.
He said he has been doing everything he can to save money but that things are tight. He said he has been going without breakfast to save a few dollars here and there and that he doesn’t have any groceries in his house. (I had no idea about any of that- we don’t live together and he’s pretty independent).
I feel like such a terrible selfish ugly monster- like the worst girlfriend/person ever. How could I do this to someone I love so much? I don’t want him to propose to me because he feels obligated to propose, I want him to propose because he wants to! And he does, but it just feels so tainted. I just don’t know what to do. I tried to be open and honest about everything and it exploded in my face. I feel like I’ve ruined everything about taking that next step to being engaged. SO said he wants to make our relationship better and move forward and be happy but I’m not sure how to fix this or what to do- it just got way out of control. Have any other waiting bees messed up this bad? Or just have any advice?