(Closed) Anyone else ruin the proposal before it happened? :( I need advice(LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would say, don’t ask about it again. Drop it. Let him be. And when he is ready he can ask you on his own terms.  I would also apologize to him, for making him feel that way. Then Iwould wait patiently.

Post # 4
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Whoa, Nelly. RELAX. Do not give him a deadline, especially when he’s already financially stressed. Do not give him any “ideas” or put pressure on him. Deadlines, stipulations and rules with proposals are NOT the way to get one. Just enjoy your relationship with him, and quit pushing for it. When you do that, you’re probably pushing him away.

Post # 5
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@HeartsandSparkles:   First of all, take a deep breath.  You are not a bad person! 

From all of this I must say one thing – this man is CRAZY IN LOVE WITH YOU!  He’s knocking himself out to please you.

You have not ruined anything.  You’re anxious and taking your anxiety out on him, though, so stop it already. 

This guy loves you to pieces.  Trust him to do what he wants and needs to do.  You don’t have to control every little thing, ya know. 

Men and women tend to communicate the same things in very different ways.  He is trying to get across to you how much he loves you and wants to make you happy.  I will caution you to not be a bottomless pit who demands more and more because think how that makes him feel?  You never want the man you love to feel inadequate.

I think you’ll be fine.  Do something sweet and thoughtful for him soon, very soon.  Make it up to him and let him know he is the best thing you’ve ever found.

I wish you the best!

Post # 6
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I’ve never gone that far, but I’m in a similar situation and I’ve gotten close. Look, the first thing you have to do is apologize. I know you’re going nuts and so am I but this is the man you love and care for and your actions have hurt his feelings. He feels like he failed you: let him know he never could. He (more than likely) feels worthless because he can’t scrape the money together: tell him he’s worth the world and you know he’s trying. My SO is also poor as all get out, but after a few (tearful) talks we have agreed that pressuring him will do nothing because we both know that he DOES want to marry me. I agree about the Ring Pop, but it’s not about us. It’s about him. How HE wants to propose. It’s a point of pride for him to be the “provider” and for him to be able to get you the ring he wants you to have. It sounds nuts to us because all we want is to be engaged, but look at it this way: that’s how much he cares. He wants to get this right. My SO and I live together, so I’ve taken on a few bills while he gets to his feet financially. It took time for him to come around to this and we still don’t discuss money much because of it. He told me what I needed to know in order to stop torturing myself: he’s found a ring, he’s looking at stones to go in it, and he’s saving. Ask yourself what you need to know in order to be content. Sorry this is so long.

TL;DR: Apologize, accept that he is going to do it his way, be more sensitive to how much this hurts him, too, and find a way to cope. (I suggest Mr. Bee’s Backup Plan, while including him on some of the fun activities.)

Post # 7
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Honestly, I think it’s good that you can see your faults in all of this.

We’ve all nagged a bit our SO’s becasue waiting is hard. We put stuff in our heads and act like brats sometimes. The men that stick with us through all of that are worth more then gold 🙂

If I were you I would help him by taking the pressure of. Rekindle your relationship. If you really really love him and don’t see a future without him you have to show support. It’s not like he doesn’t have a really good reason for why it hasn’t happened yet. It is important for them to feel manly and do something right. He has a plan, let him plan it his way.

I would invite him on a date and tell him exactly what you wrote up here, how emarrased and ashamed you are of yourself for not being able to look outside the box. Assure him that you love him, tell him to take his time and extend the “deadline” without asking him questions. I know your heart is set on May 2013, but let him know that you understand his frustration and you love him so much that as long as you’re together, you are the happiest ever as you know his heart and mind are in the right place.

From that point on I wouldn’tnag. Obviously he knows you want to get married, he does too. Make him realize this again, not by nagging and pin pointing and whining etc…. but by being a suportive partner as that will show him that you will be a wonderful supportive wif and partner for life.

I know it’s hard for you, but sometimes things happen out of our control. Get a hobby and stop obsessing.

Post # 8
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Geez poor guy.  Just relax.  It’ll happen if its meant to happen, if you keep pushing you may just push him away, stop talking about it with him and come vent here, just like you did. 

Post # 9
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I read the word “extension” in there and shuddered, I have to give those to my accountants…not my husband….I think your ok, really…did you push it?  Oh yeah, and maybe you got a little caught up in the proposal instead of the fact that this guy loves you and you love him…being focused on that single moment, as epic and life changing as it is, was probably not such a good idea since it got you so worked up…if it were me and my man was talking about proposing to me in the same tone as filing his taxes I would turn the tables on him and ask him to marry me!

Post # 11
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

Let me share something with you…

I am the POSTER GIRL for nagging my Fiance ALL.YEAR.LONG about wanting to get married and at least getting engaged…blah blah blah. I was ABSOLUTELY horrible. When I came to the bee and started venting, I guess I gave off the wrong vibe that I was some horrible person cuz some of the comments were kinda….sad. LOL.

In July, my Fiance and I got in the blow-out of the CENTURY!! He even threatened to break up with me…….and then the lightbulb came on. “Leave him alone….” is what popped in my head. I KNEW he wanted to marry me, I KNEW he had a plan for our future…in fact, he manipulated his original plans to fit ME into them. So it wasn’t like he was unsure…I was too pushy. I left him alone at the end of July, doing things for myself, putting engagement and marriage on the backburner and not even ONE WEEK LATER, he started talking about the future and it was like the spark from when we first met was in him again. He “proposed” to me (more like TELLING me we are getting married in December, tell your family, get your ring…let’s do this NOW) on Monday and cannot WAIT for us to be Mr. and Mrs….maybe even more excited than I am, honestly.

So what’s my point? Let him breathe. You KNOW he is committed to you and it’s merely a money issue. It’s not like he is blowing smoke you-know-where just to settle you down. If it ever feels that it is really getting to that point, speak up. To me, it just sounds like he wants a little more money to make things as memorable as you want. Take this from someone who’s now Fiance threatened to leave her in July because of my inability to wait patiently. It’s not that you are a bad person, you are excited. Do things for yourself and leave it alone. You might be surprised what happens as a result.

Post # 10
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I read the word “extension” in there and shuddered, I have to give those to my accountants…not my husband….I think your ok, really…did you push it?  Oh yeah, and maybe you got a little caught up in the proposal instead of the fact that this guy loves you and you love him…being focused on that single moment, as epic and life changing as it is, was probably not such a good idea since it got you so worked up…if it were me and my man was talking about proposing to me in the same tone as filing his taxes I would turn the tables on him and ask him to marry me!

Post # 12
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@HeartsandSparkles:  I call shenanigans….

How does he think he is going to get a pricey ring and pay for an international vacation? That’s going to be a long time, and I am skeptical he can pull it off by May 2013. I recently loaned him money to help with his rent.”

I think he needs to get on with reality. If a man is broke then, damnit we have to live with that. The man is broke, If he is getting his rent money from his Girlfriend he isn’t going to be able to afford a 5K ring, if he owes you 3K for the money you lent him then you could have just paid for your own ring. It may be a ploy to keep you on the hook. MAYBE. Maybe i am 150% wrong. My dream ring is just under $1300, which is about the same price as 1 months rent (which i think is a lot more realistic then then 3 month’s salary rule). I don’t think that is too bad but I gave him options that include $800-$1000 and are STUNNING. Tell your man to be realistic. Pride can suck it. Sh*t or get off the pot. A ring under a grand can have you engaged in 5 months (at 50 bucks a week).

“I made catty comments like, I’m not going on the couples trip with your friends because everyone else is married and we aren’t fully committed. Harping him about being just his girlfriend.”<—Oh man, have I done this! And I am not proud about it.

Post # 13
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m in a similar situation. My SO told me in February that we would be engaged by our anniversary in October. I was excited and waited patiently and looked at rings every so often. Towards the end of the summer it literally seemed like EVERYONE we know was getting engaged and it upset me because we have been together WAY longer than all of these people so naturally I got upset. Everytime someone got engaged I nagged more and soon getting engaged was all I could think about. I nagged him all the time because I was so upset and felt like he didn’t love me or didn;t actually want to be with me. Finally he told me to chill out he would get the ring and it would be happening soon. I stopped for a few weeks and then asked him if he bought it yet (By this time he had everything he needed , money for the setting and a diamond from my mom) he told me no and I got mad because he is the biggest procrastinator ever and sometimes you just have to give him that little push. He finally bought it and now I nag about how long till I get it, but a part of me still feels like I ruined the surprise of when I am going to get it. I have seince apologized to him for making him feel bad for being so obsessed. So I totally understand your situation and how it can be upsetting when you are told that you are getting engaged by a set date and then everyone else starts getting engaged. You get caught up in it. So I suggest you just apologize to him first and then just let it happen. I know waiting is hard but, he loves you and it will happen and you will be so happy when it does!

Post # 15
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

Everyone has given you great advice so I just want to say that you aren’t a bad person at all. A lot of us have been where you are and our relationships have recovered. I was where you were in January and things are so much better now- you can totally turn things around. Take the good advice you have gotten here and everything will work out because he obviously loves you and you love him. Getting through this will make you a better and stronger couple. 

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