(Closed) Anyone else spending the holidays without SO due to no engagement?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@nursinggirl: I’m really sorry about SO and his family – but, if you ask my opinion.. I smell BS on the whole ‘your not invited unless your engaged/married’ from his family, and your SO.

Why isn’t your SO mad by this tradition? Surely he would fight your corner and be addamant that you and your daughter *his family* should attend, or he should not go at all?

Post # 18
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

THAT is the single most ridiculous rule I’ve ever heard iN MY LIFE

Post # 19
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That seems really unfair, and kind of crazy, but everyone’s family is crazy :-). And yeah I;m with spaneshal, I’m curoius as to what your SO thinks? If you’re so close to being enaged, why isn’t he upset?

I AM engaged, but I still have to spend Christmas (only 6 days) away from my FH because my family is out of state and we wanted to by pass the who “christmas fight” this year. SO even when you’re enaged sometimes it happens 🙁

Post # 20
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

This is crazy to me. Our holidays have always been open to our loved ones (friends, significant others, etc.) Yes we have family traditions but we can always make room for more people!

Post # 21
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

wow, i would politely say to whoever is not allowing you to spend the holidays with them that YOU ARE A GROWN ADULT, AND SO IS YOUR SO. You guys should spend the holidays however you chose.

It seems to me that he should stand up to his parents and let them know that the two of you want to spend the holidays together, and if they won’t allow it he will not be going on the family trip.

He should start being overly clear and setting boundaries NOW, before it’s too late.

Post # 22
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Me and my SO don’t really spend the holidays together, but we kinda do. For Thanksgiving we both eat with our family and then see each other that night or the next day. For Christmas we once again spend the day with our own families and sometimes see each at other at night but usually not. Christmas Eve we go out to eat with his family and then do a gift exchange with my Dad’s side of the family. He (and all SO’s) are invited to be part of all gift exchanges in my family.

Post # 23
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My boyfriend and I live together and we are not spending the holidays together. I guess we just realize that after we are engaged and then married, we will have to compromise every holiday, shifting between my divorced family and his divorced family. My parents live in two different states and his parents in a third. It’s very complicated and frustrating. I don’t mind being away from him. It’s just a week and it will make the holidays less stressful, for this year anyway. Next year, I dread to think about the flights.

Post # 24
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@prshadow: Agreed!  Moderndaisy makes a good point, too, about how it would probably be different if it was a roommate.

Post # 25
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee

Me.  I have never met SO’s mother.  She does not want to meet any woman he is involved with until there is a ring on her finger.  She says that she doesn’t want to like a woman and if they break up she compares the next one to the one she liked.  Did that make sense?

Post # 26
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

@nursinggirl: I completely feel your pain.  I am not allowed to step foot in my SO’s family’s house because I have an autistic child, not that I would want to anyway.  But SO will continue to spend holidays with them instead of me until we are engaged.  IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL but honestly, it’s the only thing we fight about.  He knows it hurts me, so there’s nothing more I can do.  He is the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, so this is the BS I have to deal with if I want to stay with him.  His family is important to him and he doesn’t want to abandon his mom, who is in an abusive marriage with his dad.  His dad is the person who “banned” me from the house, and mom just agrees to keep “peace”.

 

I totally get that it’s not fair that we have to wait until engagement to be eligible for having the holidays with our men.  That should be a given!

 

One thing that helps is that I have SO MUCH FUN with my family and SO gets bored sick over at his parents’.  LOL

Post # 27
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

@Treejewel19: I 100% agree with you, and if my family every disinvited my SO from a family get-together, I would stop visiting until he was invited.  That’s me.  My SO is a completely different person.  We almost broke up over this.  I wasn’t aware of these issues  until T-day 2 weeks ago (read my other posts) and it drove me to almost leave him.

 

At the end of the day, I love him. I want him forever, and I refuse to leave someone because of their asshat parents.  We compromised, and decided together that if we married and had kids, this would no longer be an acceptable arrangement.  Until then, I have to deal with not being allowed at his family’s house.

 

He’s coming to my family gathering, but will have to leave early to accomodate the pile of assholes aka his parents.

Post # 28
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

In my experience, men don’t magically cut the cord with their parents once they are married.

Food for thought.

Post # 29
Member
6996 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

just a little piece of unsolicited advice haha: enjoy the holidays with your family while you can – my husband and i never really spent a holiday together until this thanksgiving and im heartbroken that i wont get to spend christmas with my family for the first time in 25 years! at the same time im super stoked to finally spend the holidays with my husband and his family, its been a long time coming but in the end im really glad i took advantage of holidays with my family during our datings years.

Post # 30
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

SO and I have never spent a holiday together (altho after Thanksgiving I told him we NEED to spend a holiday together) My family has accepted him (they didn’t like him at first but he’s growing on them) but His Mom doesn’t approve of me, and I wonder if that will ever change. He says she likes me as a person but just not for him. (I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half because he doesn’t want drama to ensue) So I know how you feel. It sucks, but eventually you and your SO will make your own family traditions!

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