(Closed) Anyone else with this problem? Feeling hurt, need to vent.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You need to stop doing everything, for starters.

If you’ve talked to him and told him how you’ve felt about his lack of interest in your plans and he still isn’t put forth any effort, then I would honestly reconsider the person you are with. A guy who is crazy about you isn’t going to wait in the wings for you to make every single plan, and he sure as hell isn’t going to give you excuses for not getting things done that he said he would do.

If you were listening to your friend telling you this story, what would you say to her?

Hopefully you’d tell her to get a man that’s crazy about her and lose this guy.

P.S. If you don’t expect him to change, you’ve got two choices: get over it, or find a guy that’s more thoughtful and considerate of your feelings. He knows about the issue and how it affects you…why is he not trying to fix it? I’m sure he’d want you to accomodate him to some degree.

Post # 4
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’ve been trying to determine how my husband and I make plans and I’m not really sure so I guess it’s kind of organic. Either one of us sit us both down to make a plan together, or one or us thinks of a plan and runs it by the other. 

One area where we used to have an issue like this was similar to yours, meal plans. I do almost all of the meal planning a majority of the preparation (my husband is an excellent vegetable chopper though) and for a while I was getting frustrated because I didn’t feel like my husband was being helpful enough with coming up with things to eat. I thought and about it and we talked about it and I came to the conclusion that I really like to eat a variety of things, but he doesn’t care as much as I do (every week when I ask if there is anything he’d like, he always says pizza), so I decided it wasn’t really fair of me to expect him to do as much work as me. Just like I don’t care as much about washing the car, so he usually does that. It sounds like your SO might not care so much about having activities. If he really wants to do lots of fun activities but expects you to plan them, that isn’t fair. But, if he could go either way with activities it makes sense that he wouldn’t think about it as much.

On the other hand it would certainly be nice of him to pitch in more to make you happy. My marriage prep teacher suggested that the partner that cares the least about something should be the “guardian” so to speak of that thing in a show of caring for their partner. IE. The person who is less interested in cuddling should monitor the amount of cudding going on so to make sure that their partner is getting enough. Just a thought. 

Also, have you ever heard of/tried love languages? They aren’t the end of off healthy relationships, but it might help you both to find that you need “acts of service” like him planning outings, while he’s more concerned with simple “quality time” regardless of what you’re doing.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I have no advice here, but I have to tell you you are not alone. 

I had a horrible relationship with my ex overall, but the ONE thing I do miss is that he used to plan dates (well, in the beginning, before it turned toxic). We’d take turns planning dates, one week to the next. It was fun to do completely different things.

My current SO, who I love and adore, is about as creative as me. Which means not very much. I’ve spoken to him numerous times about planning a date, being spontaneous, surprising me in any way with having something sorted out ahead of time. But – no good. It’s just apparently not in him. I’m thinking of trying to broach the topic again, but it’s hard. It’s not a lack of his love or feelings – he’s just not a planner. And for the most part, I don’t mind being consulted, but the fact that I’m always suggesting or the fact that it’s always the same boring restaurant we always go to, it does get old I admit. Sigh.

I hope it all works out. Again, just wanted to say, you are not alone. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Jewelieee:  Oh good, I’m so glad they helped you guys! It’s so fulfilling to love and be loved in the way that you want to, and to be able to see how your partner loves as well, so that you can appreciate those natural ways that he loves you more! Then everyone is happy 🙂

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