Post # 1
- Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts
So I visited the future-n-laws while fiance was at work. FFIL is outside, so I spoke then proceed to walk into the house. But before I opened the door he said “Give me a hug girl!” So I gave him a sideways hug. Well this obviously offended him and I ended up having to give him a second hug face-to-face. Personally I do not like hugging men face-to-face, only my own man. To me it feels like a sign of physical affection. May sound weird, but its my personal opinion and my personal space.
Well I went inside, hugged the FMIL, and sat on the couch. FFIL comes in and sits in the middle of us. Out of nowhere he starts asking if I was tickilish and started taking my shoe off and tickling my feet, despite the resistance I put up. His wife who is sitting right next to him tells him in a lowered voice “(his name) leave her alone.” Well he stops, but then he rubs my leg like really slowly as if he was caressing it…gross! This makes me uncomfortable so I tell him to leave me alone. I go outside to my car for a couple mins to get my thoughts together. I went back into their house and into the kitchen to fix a plate. Well he follows me in there he says “who invited you to a plate.” Um your wife! I tell him that I am going to tell his son that he has been picking/bothering me. Well he says “I don’t care, what is he going to do?”
I am so confused. I don’t want to cause any issues b/w him and his son but I don’t ever want to go over there again. I feel like my personal space was invaded, he touched me and I was super uncomfortable. I am stuck deciding whether or not to tell fiance what happened…b/c it is his father.
Does anyone think I am reading his actions wrong? I think this man was flirting with me, but my brain wants to tell me he was just joking around. I feel like I will be blamed somehow, so I stayed up last night trying to figure out if there was something I did to make him think he could touch me. My attire wasn’t revealing (basic tee-shirt and jeans). I do not give off hints that I want to be touch, in fact, I tried to give hints to stay the F&%# away from me. I am afraid my fiance will blow a gasket when he finds out. But he will only find out from me, neither parent will say anything b/c they are secretive. I usually tell my fiance everything. I called FMIL this morning and left a message for her to call me back. When she did, she woke me out of a deep sleep. So I only said “I am just going to get to the point, I felt very uncomfortable with your husband touching me yesterday.” She follows that with “I know, I am two steps ahead of you darling, I already talked to him so you can go back to sleep now.” And leaves it at that. No sorry for his behavior, nothing.
Do I tell fiance and risk messing up their relationship, or do I just keep quiet since his mom said she talked to her husband? Any suggestions?
Post # 3
I would tell your FI, he should know. That behaviour would make me uncomfortable too!
Post # 4
@slc201329: Well, my FFIL is sort of a creeper too, but I personally don’t mind because that’s just the kind of guy he is. The first thing he said to me/FI when he met me was “You’re gonna bring this hot little thing around and taunt me, and I can’t touch!?” LOL Totally lude and inappropriate.
Then one time he actually grabbed my butt when he hugged me goodbye. My FI was mortified. I guess I just take it as a joke and don’t read into it. I know my FFIL would never legitimately make a move on me (by legitimately, I mean he would never actually attempt to cross that line into something sexual), and so I don’t see the point in letting it bother me.
If I were in your position, I would probably drop it for now and hope it doesn’t happen again. If it did happen again I would say something to your FI, but only if you actually felt like his dad was making a legitimate move on you. If it was joking/playful, I would say something to your FFIL about how you know he has a perverted sense of humor, but it gives you the heeby jeebies. As hard as it might be, if you do have to bring it up, I would try to do it light-heartedly, otherwise it could get really serious and awkward. If you want to PM me, feel free. Maybe knowing more about the situation would help. I doubt many people will respond to this (at least I hope not).
Post # 5
Absolutely tell your FI. For instance, if you visit with them and get uncomfortable and want to leave, he’ll want to know what’s going on. I don’t subscribe to “Ignorance is bliss”, especially when it comes to your own partner.
Post # 6
In what world is this ever right? Some older guys turn into dirty old men and are given that handle for a reason. It is not appropriate in any way, shape, or form, and his wife’s response says to me this is an ongoing problem with this man. It is NOT OK, and I don’t think you should ignore it or keep it from your FI. What he does with the information is on him, but he absolutely should know why you may not want to be around his Dad for any length of time.
His Mom saw and heard it, so there’s no denying it happened. If you were the only one who knew it, I could see your FI maybe being doubtful about it and even thinking you were mistaken, but you have a witness. Nip it in the bud.
My FIL was like that and I told my husband how uncomfortable he made me feel. It was shocking to me that anyone would think it was welcome or appropriate. I steered clear of him whenever I had to be around him, so I know exactly how you feel.
We became more distant with his family as it was just too weird to be around them very often. I also had 2 little girls that I wasn’t ever leaving alone with him.
Shut it down now and let your FI decide how he wants to approach his Dad.
Post # 7
It’s definitely inappropriate. However, if you would rather avoid telling your FI, you could give your FFIL one more chance (though I wouldn’t spend any time with him alone). Your FMIL says she talked to him, so there’s a good chance he’ll behave – especially if FMIL is around. That said, you need to do what feels right to you!
As for your FMIL’s reaction – she did the right thing by talking to him, and while a courtesy “sorry,” may have sounded nice, she herself doesn’t really owe you an apology – she tried to get him to stop bothering you while you were there and she talked to him about it after your visit of her own accord. She was likely as uncomfortable as you are with her husband touching and tickling her son’s FI.
Post # 8
the FFIl should have stopped the moment you said No.
i would absolutely tell your FI. that is inappropriate behavior.
Post # 9
@slc201329: I would really tell your FI that this happened.
FI’s dad has been a little too touchy feely in the past – at one point he whacked me on the bottom. So I screamed at him and basically told him to eff off, he hasn’t done anything like that again.
If you have told him explicitly to stop behaving in this way I would definitely tell your FI and let him talk to his father about it (to me it sounds like he isn’t going to listen to his wife) and do all that I could to avoid your FFIL!
Post # 10
You feel invaded because you were! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or what they are ok with…what matters is how YOU feel. I have had groping bosses and other members of my family and it’s an absolutely gross feeling. Here’s how I handled it:
When they start to try to touch you, freeze up, take about 3 giant steps back and say, “Whoa! I need my space!” REALLY LOUDLY. You see, gropers are actually a form of abusers. And to abuse, abusers need secret actions and spaces. One cannot abuse if put into the light. Will they be an asshole to you? Probably. You’ve just called them out. But they invaded your body and space so I say it’s even.
In the meantime, if you don’t feel comfortable with telling your FI, just show him the post you wrote. This might freak him out, so you be strong with your emotions, no matter what his reaction is. No matter what. Just tell him, “I wanted you to know because I value the honesty in our relationship”.
And stop going over there alone. No you didn’t ask for it. No you didn’t do anything wrong. But stop putting yourself in any situation where anyone can harm you. His wife sees it and it’s likely not the first time. She clearly cannot be counted on to help keep you safe, so it’s your job to do it alone. When you are with FI make a pact that not leave you alone. If he has to go to the bathroom, go out to the car or find another bathroom to go to.
I do sideways hugs, too!!!! =) My groping family member got offended too and said something out loud like, “You always hug me so I’m kissing your hair”. I just loudly said, “Sorry! It’s how I hug!”. He hasn’t said anything since.
Post # 11
Tell him. He needs to know.
Post # 12
- Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts
@Kat: I don’t think I can drop this and open the door to him trying again, my reasoning is detailed below…but thanks so much for responding.
@ItWasntMe: FMIL has asked me to allow my child to spend the night before with the other grandkids although she’s not my fiance’s child. I have always said no. But I will never leave my child over there.
@LadyBear: read below!
@ajillity81: I agree, he should have stopped when I told him to. His response was “you are just mean!” Um no, I just don’t want your hands on me.
@ms-valentine: read below!
@Coral99: To be honest, I would have spoken some unfriendly words to him much louder than I did, but Idecided to step outside to think clearly. His two daughters were in same room chatting but not paying attention. If I would have brought more attention to the situation, it could have been viewed as me being disrespectful by them and caused more issues. And I would have not been able to handle that situation w/o fiance present. They like to gang up on people…verbally and sometimes physically from what I have heard. And no, this is not the first time hes done it to someone…read below!
@Glenda_the_good_witch: read below!
Thanks you all. I think I just needed to vent. I do plan to tell the fiance, I am just trying to find the correct wording. After thinking about it for a few days, I have also decided to limit my interactions with his parents. My guy’s brothers’ girlfriend was over there the day it happened. So I decided in confidence to message her through Facebook b/c I didn’t have her phone number. I was a little uncertain about saying anything to her but I wanted her to know that his behavior wasn’t welcomed by me, that he makes me uncomfortable, and I basically wanted to know if he ever touched her inappropriately. Her response- “I thought I was the only one that felt like that b/c he does the same to me. Although I don’t like it, I just laugh it off or move away from him. I never said anything b/c I don’t want any problems. I have been holding this in for years and feel like a weight has been lifted off me.”
So this isn’t in my head and I am not reading this man’s actions wrong. He has rubbed her wrong as well. Well I am too old for this man to be trying to tickle me, and I am not his wife so he shouldn’t be caressing my legs. I just don’t know how this is going to play out b/c my man doesn’t play when it comes to me. I just hope it doesn’t end badly. Obviously he has no respect for his wife nor his sons to touch their women. Thanks again ladies!
Post # 13
The longer you wait to tell your FI, the more hurt he will be that you didn’t tell him straight away, and the fishier it will seem.
Make sure you have his brother’s girlfriend’s support if he needs someone to confirm the story.
From your FMIL’s reaction it seems to me like he’s done this before.
Just because he’s your FI’s father doesn’t mean that he isn’t a human, a human who has done wrong by you and should be dealt with accordingly.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
Ewwww!!! Definitely inappropriate!
I would nip this in the bud now rather than later and tell FI and hopefully get him to confront this. In the mean time I wouldn’t spend any time alone with your FFIL until you have your FI as a bodyguard.
Good luck coming up with the wording!
Post # 15
@slc201329: Wow, the FBIL’s girlfriend’s reaction says it all. If it makes you genuinely uncomfortable to a degree that you cannot ignore (which clearly, it does) then you must say something.
Post # 16
- Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts
Thanks all. I did talk to him about it. I told him everything from beginning to end. He said there are some issues with his family and that he would handle it…but face-to-face. He also wants to see if either parent will tell him about this on their own. I doubt if they bring it up themselves. I also told him I don’t want to go over there anymore, especially if hes not there to protect me. He is fine with this and said I don’t have to. I’m just a little saddened about his mom, but the way she reacted I don’t even want to be bothered with her anymore. I love my man to death, but depending on what his reaction was, this could have really broken us. It could have pushed me away from him. So I was a little scared because this is his dad. I just hope for his dads sake that he doesn’t lie about it when confronted and he apologizes…like I said he doesn’t joke around when it comes to me. Thanks again for listening to me vent.