(Closed) Anyone else’s FI absent?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Since you know his schedule on a monthly basis, can you try to schedule it around his schedule?  My hubby is a firefigher so he’ll work one day and be gone the next 24 hours at work, so I know scheduling can be difficult.  I personally just work about his schedule, then figure out mine since his is harder to work with.

Post # 4
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

That stinks! I would just say to get as much of his attention when he is actually at home. That way you can know what he thinks before you go to meet with someone.


Post # 6
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2007

Both my husband and i are in medical school and he is one year ahead of me, so I know what it’s like to feel like your SO is completely absent when he is on the wards. The hours suck, and he has NO control over it whatsoever. Your Fiance is very sweet to want to be involved, and you are very sweet to put up with the unpredictability that will be an integral part of his schedule for years to come.

I recommend just basing the meetings off of your own schedule. Give him as much input as possible on things that don’t need to be decided in meetings (which is what you have been doing, it sounds like), or narrow things down to 2-3 choices at those meetings and then let him make the final decision. Obviously you can’t do things like precana and engagement photos without him. Maybe you guys should choose one really critical month for planning (maybe 2-3 months before) and have him try to trade with a colleague for a less busy service so you guys can do these things together? Of course, for the meetings he can’t make, bring a supportive friend or family member.

The most important thing is to be understanding. He’s already going to feel really bad that he can’t be as involved as he would like, and I imagine that plus sleep deprivation makes him feel overextended already.

Post # 7
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m over 2,000 miles away from my fiance and see him 4 days about every 8 weeks.  He’s been pretty uninvolved in everything, but I do try to plan some fun wedding stuff (like tastings) when he comes out to visit.  

 The problem is also that he doesn’t always come out to visit me where the wedding is.  He’s only been out to Chicago twice since our engagement weekend and won’t be out again til the wedding!

It’s just been something we’ve dealt with–thank goodness for helpful willing family and friends.

We try to stay connected on some things via google docs for playlists and budget, and talk when we can.  I’m starting look to really look forward to the wedding being over and living a normal life with the love of my life! 

Post # 8
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Mr. Spin is just about to start his 12 months of rotations for PA school, so I’m feeling you on this one. He’ll be all over NE, IA, maybe NC, MO…who knows? We sure don’t. We’re still waiting to hear all of his rotations. He’s been 2.5 hours away for school for the last year, basically since we got engaged, so I feel like I’m totally on my own sometimes. And it sucks sometimes, but, honestly, I remind myself that I knew his career choice would always make planning things a little more complicated. I just tell myself the distance is worth it

We’re doing basically the same thing you are–I went with his mom to narrow down reception sites (my mom lives a couple hours away too), sent him pictures because he can’t come back anytime soon, he weighed in, and my mom is coming (this weekend actually) to help make the final decision. I anticipate we’ll do basically the same thing for the photographer, dj and dessert. And frankly, if Mr. Spin can’t make it to actual meetings, I’ll be disapointed to not have additional input, but I know in the end the details won’t matter as much as signing the marriage license (especially to him). ^_^  I know that sounds trite.

I guess I would try for a few to make sure that your fiance can come, but go ahead and just settle some of the others on your time schedule to take the pressure off. Good luck! ^_^

Post # 9
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yup! My Fi is in the military and comes home every other month or so. At least we KNOW he comes home on certain holidays so we schedule like 5 things in a row. It really sucks to not spread it out.

Most places have been very understanding of the situation. Your Fiance is a surgeon, that comes with lots of responsibility and I’m sure they would be able to find a way to make things fit for you two. 

Honestly, I live i StL all by myself. And since he’s only here every couple of months, I feel really bad bombarding him with vendor meets, etc. So I do as much as I can by myself, and drag him to the ABSOLUTE necessity. 

I know pre-cana is definitely a necessity. Talk to them and see what you can work out. Our pastor requires 3 1-hr visits…buuuuuuut he changed it to 1-hr just for us since my Fiance is military and literally will be in town one more weekend before we get married. And honestly, I think my Fiance appreciated not having to go to everything. I took pictures and stuff, though, but ultimately he felt my decision making was just as good as the two of us put together. 

Post # 10
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

It happens! I still lived in Ohio when we first got engaged, so I honestly picked almost everything out myself and with the help of my  parents. Of  course he would have loved to have been involved, but it just wasn’t realistic. Now, we’re both in Boston and I’m trying to plan long distance with the help of my parents, and I’ll only be in Ohio once before I go home for a month before the wedding. In those 4 days I have so much scheduled its insane. My Fiance has planned to come for a long weekend in July so we can do things like tastings, and marriage licenses… but honestly other than that, I’ve made a lot of the big decisions myself, with his input of course- but not his actual presence. It’s possible to do, just frustrating I’m sure. Many guys don’t care about all the little details anyway though so maybe try to just schedule him to come with you for the things that he absolutely must go to.. the other things, go yourself, get several opinons/invite samples/etc, and have him just help you decide. Good luck! 

Post # 12
1428 posts
Bumble bee

Erin – ugh that’s a super tough schedule your Fiance has!
My guy usually works an 8-hr shift, however, depending on which bridge they decide is the worst in eastern MA on any given week, he gets moved around to different locations randomly. So he goes on nights which they tell him will be for 2 weeks….and then 3 months later he gets put back on days an hour and a half away….only to be told he’ll probably go back on nights again during the next 2 weeks to 2 months. Ick!!!!

Post # 13
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

We are 10,000 miles apart, literally.

I am in Oregon and he’s in Kuwait. We are planning a wedding in Australia.

We do lots of sharing via email. I send photos of churches, it is then his duty to call on the one he likes. I send photos of flowers, then it is my turn to pick the ones we decide on and I call and order those. And so forth.

We might have a little more time than you and your FH. But time zones are painful. We secure one hour of everyday today. That is our only guarantee  and we try and used it 3 out of 7 times of the week to read and talk about life, the house we are buying Houston and planning for our mutual move to Texas.

I’d say it sounds like you are doing pretty well. Perhaps you could communicate via email for a few things, then if he has a moment during his rotation he could call on a few things. That way you don’t feel like all the planning is on you. Unless that works for you.

Post # 14
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Casa Real at Ruby Hill Winery

I’m in the same boat, because I’m a law student and Fiance is a pilot in the military, so he is gone a lot. He is deploying for 2 months in a couple weeks. He has been helpful with the big stuff like finding a venue and if I give him options he will choose, but he isn’t about to go looking at stationery online for me! Haha. One suggestion maybe is to share google calendars so you can keep track of his schedule. Another would be to have google docs with ideas or photos that you can both update (he can delete what he doesn’t like) or just save all your ideas and have designated times when he’s free to talk about it. I hope this helps. I totally understand you though and feel like I will be relying a lot on my mom and girlfriends – but that’s fine, because I know he is excited about it even if he isn’t crazy about picking out linen colors. 

Post # 15
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009


I am totally in your same situation.   My Fiance is a software engineer and he works a lot of hours in the office.  When he gets home he is on conference calls with other engineers from India.  He works 7 days a week and has been told that vacations have been blocked off until after their product/program is finished in October.  Our wedding is in September and they told him he will not be able to get our rehearsal day off.  This is part of the reason why we will not be able to take a honeymoon this year.  On the other hand I should be grateful that in this economy he has a job.  As I sit here writing this he is on another conference call.  

The way I deal with it is by going for a half an hour walk every evening before his conference calls.  I also spend my time reading about wedding blogs and stuff.  I have to make most of the decisions about the wedding since by the time he finally has time off he is too tired to discuss any details.  Good luck with trying to figure out your schedule.  I’m with you though I feel lonely sometimes too but then I go on weddingbee and everything is gravy!!

Post # 16
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

my fiance’s 8,000 miles away. skype plays a huuuuuge role, as does lots of emails.

all the best, ladies 🙂

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