Post # 1
My Mom had a courthouse wedding and I think she’s always regretted it. Not to mention, my Mom is a little strange all around. I honestly think she’s jealous of me and my life. She is incapable of ever saying anything nice to me, ever. She’s never told me she’s proud of me. If I got good grades in school she’d say “Oh. Is that good?” and act dumb. She might be proud of me deep down but she’s incapable of showing it and it hurts. It’s always been like this. Always!
She’s been uncooperative when it comes to the wedding. She doesn’t want to hear anything about it and zones me out when I talk about it. It’s a little sad because I don’t have the relationship with her that my friends have with their parents. When they go dress shopping, their Mom’s will be right there beside them. I refuse to take my Mom shopping because she will find something wrong with every single dress and nitpick until I hate them all (believe me when I say this. She did it with my grad dress and she did it when I was picking out names for my daughter [which is why we kept her name a secret until she was born]).
I called her today to see how many rooms she thinks I should block off at our hotel for the wedding. We’re getting married in her town and seeing as how all of my uncles and aunts on my Mom’s side have to travel to get to the town, I thought my Mom would be having some of them stay at her house. I mean, logic would say she’d open her door for the weekend to let some of her brothers/sisters stay there, right? Well, wrong, apparently. She told me she’s not having anyone at her house. I know it’s not a written law that she needs to have people stay there, but isn’t that kind of the polite thing to do? Especially since it’s her own brothers and sisters? I dunno. I know that when my grandpa passed away this summer in a different town, when we (my family and out of town cousins and aunts/uncles) came down for the funeral, my uncles and aunts that live in the town the funeral was in opened their doors for everyone to stay there. It just seems like the logical thing to do. Anyway, so that kind of annoyed me. Plus, my Mom has this “I’m better than everyone” mentality and it really kills souls. She can be such a bitch.
Anyway! Is anyone else’s Mom’s this way? It’s frustrating and hurts. But she’s impossible and stubborn and I wouldn’t ever be able to talk about this with her. I’d just like to hear other people’s stories, mostly, rather than receive advice. I’ve tried for 23 years to get along with my Mom and to have that relationship with her which I’ve always wanted, but it’s just not happening. Our personalities clash too much.
Post # 3
I think we maybe have the same mom. 😉 I also believe my mom is jealous of the things I have accomplished (went to college, successful career, supported myself for years). On top of that, she hates my dad, and I think she sees him when she looks at me. I know how it is to hope for a real “mom” reaction for every important event in your life and just not get it. I’ve had 37 years of working through the disappointment and I’ve gotten a lot better at lowering my expectations for her. I’ve come to understand that she is very narcissistic and it isn’t me.
That being said, I am completely crushed about her reactions to my engagement. I have waited a loooong time for the love of my life to come along, and her reaction was “Oh, that’s nice. Do you want to talk to your sister.” Who’s mother reacts like that??? Then when I saw her in person a couple days later, she started a huge fight with me that lasted about 3 hours. It was all how I was being selfish and not worried about the things that she’s going through. *Sigh* This stuff builds character, right?
She did come dress shopping with me (after I bought my dress) but I literally dragged her to the appointment after 3 months of trying. She actually had fun, but she’s never said a word after that about the wedding and has never said she’s happy for me. And she won’t speak to Fiance.
So, no, you are not alone. Hearing about other people’s supportive families kind of bums me out, but I’m looking at with the perspective that I am gaining a new awesome family that is sooo excited and supportive.
Hugs to you!!! Just focus on the new family you are creating.
Post # 4
I’m sorry to hear your mother is acting that way. How is your FMIL? Is she excited, helpful? If she is, invite her along when you try on dresses and include her in your plans. I’m sure she would love it and you would still have a mother figure around. as for your mother not opening her home to her brothers and sisters, she just doesn’t want the stress to have to entertain with the wedding coming up. Or she is just selfish and you can’t change her.
Post # 5
My mother never managed to find a single good thing about me, wedding-related or not. About fifteen years ago, I finally cut off contact with her, so she was not even invited to my second wedding. And I have to say, my second wedding was greatly improved by her absence from it.
I know it’s hard to give up the dream that your mother will someday be as enthusiastic about you as your friends’ mothers are about them. Unfortunately, there is no way to get her to do that. All you can do is to plan your own wedding, avoid talking about it with her, and find other people who will be enthusiastic for you.
Post # 6
hey guys, i feel your pain so much. my situation isnt any better! my mom and father passed when i was 11 of a horriffic terminal illness. as her death has become a blured memory, 17 years later, i feel the pain all over again. i am the oldest girl out of five children and none of my brothers and sisters are close because of seperation after our parents death. so needless to say, this whole wedding thing sometimes gets very dissappointing. the whole father walking doen the asile, father and daughter dance, the mother of the bride…its so sad and many times i feel alone. i feel like no one even cares.
im the first of all my friends to get married(im 28). so no one really shares in the joy or understands. i dont come from money so im working to pay for things and it seems like everything has a high price tag. my fiance’s mother was a gem when i met her and even though we get along fine, i still dont think she is all that happy because money is a issue. my fiance just graduated from a trade school but hasnt found his”career” yet and i have been a child care provider for three years with the same two families. it just seems like everyone is telling me to do a small wedding or go to the court house but thats not what i want. my whole life has been nothing but disappoinments or funerals. i want my wedding to be a breath of frest air, for once my family coming together and enjoying something nice, celebrating something special and celebrating love.
so i totally feel what you guys are saying. sometimes you want that support, that love. your fiance is there but at the end of the day, they are men and sometimes they just dont understand! lol. but things will get better…they always do! we are naturally surviors! wish you guys the best of luck!
Post # 7
I agree with 2dbride. Just surround yourself with people that are enthusiastic for you and don’t share details with her.
Post # 8
@ChantelleyLace: My FI’s mother is that way, and it makes me thank the lord I have such a good mother. As sad as it is, you deserve so much better than your mother can offer. Enjoy your day, and ignore her negativity as best as you can. You have a wonderful life, and there is so much more to come!
Post # 9
Ugh… that really sucks I’m sorry. I can sort of relate but only a little. Overall I have a good relationship with my mom and at her core I know she loves me and she really really does what she thinks is best. Its just that she’s a bit…. emotional and she is not sold on Fiance and sometimes the things she says really hurt me.
Example 1: I call her to tell her I got engaged and her response was “Oh no! Are you sure?” Ummm.. yes. Yes I am. Hence the diamond on my finger. That hurt. A lot. I cried. I still have a hard time thinking about it.
That was really the worst of it. I kind of unloaded my feelings a little in an email after that and by the time we spoke again she was better. I’d say 97% of the time she acts happy about the marriage and she has been helpful and chatty about it… but that kind of throws me off my guard more when she does make comments. About how its still not too late to call it off, or just general unhappiness with the wedding or the planning or whatever. Like I said… it really isn’t like what you’re dealing with but I definitely get how it can sting when you don’t get that “movie moment” you’re hoping for.
Post # 10
I’m sorry. That sucks, and I can some-what relate.
The entire time my Mom and Step Dad were in state for the wedding, I felt that they didn’t want to be there…period. They didn’t act excited, or want to help/participate in anything leading up to the wedding. All the was down the asile my step dad was complaing about my music choices….and pictures were a pain for the same reason. They didn’t make a point to get to know DH’s parents or anything (it was their first meeting).
My Dad and Step-Mom, on the other hand were thrilled. they participated, helped, and spent time with my in-laws. When I got stress hives, it was my Step-mom who went out and found herbs for me to take a bath in. = )
Post # 11
Ah, as much as our situations suck, I’m glad it’s not just me.
My Future Mother-In-Law isn’t much better, unfortunately. We had a falling out last year and our relationship has been really forced/awkward since then.
The problem with surrounding myself with people who are excited about my wedding is that there are none that live in my city haha. I have no friends here. My Maid/Matron of Honor is an hour away (not bad) but she’s not working and can’t come vist often and I, on the otherhand, work nonstop and want to spend what little freetime I DO have with my daughter and Fiance. My other BMs are 1-4 hrs away with the farthest being across the country. Yikes, hey?
I know I’m not the first bride to have to plan the wedding herself. And I am extremely fortunate that my Fiance has helped out with some of the DIY so far (dare I say his crafty hands are better than mine). But it just sucks not really having the “OMG!!!!11!! Im getting married!!!” attitude to share w/ someone!
Post # 12
@ChantelleyLace: I absolutely understand. Look at it this way, at least you have people on the boards to support you and sympathize. 🙂
It absolutely is NOT too much to ask for people to be excited for you. This is the most important day of you and your FI’s lives, and knowing you must feel just as excited as I feel, I can only feel excited for you!
It’s beautiful, wonderful, and a gift. Everything else in the end can fade off.
and just for you: OMG YOURE GETTING MARRIED!?!?!?!
Post # 13
Yes! My mom is totally unavailable emotionally – and always has been. She didn’t like my fiance from the beginning because he “corrupted me”, and we have been “living in sin” the past 4 years (you know, he made me move in with him). All she ever told me was to get him to marry me. Now that he is marrying me, she isn’t excited at all. When I texted her (and the million other people) when I got engaged her response was: awesome. I texted her the other night to tell her we had a date set, her response: ok. No exclamation points on either texts. No phone calls after the news. Nothing. She also told me she won’t be coming to my wedding because she can’t afford it – it’s like 10 months away, she could get a job and save up. (We’re living in CO and she’s still in CA – so tickets aren’t super expensive)
It’s hard not to be hurt. Even though I am 28 I want the support of my mother. I came to terms many years ago that I will never get what I want and need from her. But, you know what? Other people have come into my life over the years, and they are awesome. They love and support me 100%. My new mother-in-law is amazing. She is there for me, and is super excited about my marriage to her son. I am having a hard time totally opening up to her, I think just because I’m not used to having a “mother” who cares.
You are marrying the man that you love, and if your mom isn’t supportive of you & super excited, well, then she’ll be missing out on great memories – and that’s her loss, not yours.
Post # 14
I am a MOB and all these comments are making so sad. I am so sorry you ladies do not have the support of your mothers for one reason or another. I have 2 children (a daughter and a son), so I will only be a MOB once and am enjoying every second of it. I have told my daughter I wish I could start a “MOB for rent” business. I could just go along to everyone’s dress shopping, cake tastings, venue visits, etc and be supportive and not critical.
Post # 15
@djoann: That’s so sweet! I think you totally SHOULD start a MOB for rent business. You could be part supporter, part helper, part counselor, part planner, and all-around-great ‘MOB’ for all the brides who needed someone to be there for them.
My mom is very sweet and we’re close, but my engagement has pushed us apart a little. I think she feels like she’s ‘losing me’ and she doesn’t really like weddings, so it’s hard for her when I go floating off in an excited weddingy haze. Part of it is that she’s not a girly girl and doesn’t like shopping, makeup, etc. I took her dress shopping with me and she was very good, but it can be like pulling teeth to get her to do anything wedding related. Slowly, though, I think she’s realizing that this only happens once, so if she doesn’t enjoy it, we won’t have those memories together.
Post # 16
My mom was far from supportive when I first told her. She just said that she was shocked, asked me if I was sure, and then asked me how to tag people in photos on Facebook. She never acted happy, never pretended to be happy or anything. I know my mom doesn’t really like my Fiance, but I had expected her to be happy, a little. I’m the only daughter…
If I brought up flowers or dresses, she’d change the subject. She didn’t mention it to any of my other family memebers either. I guess they’ll be surprised when they get the save the dates then huh?
I spent many a night crying to my Fiance about how we should just elope and forget everything, because no one in my family even cared that I was getting married. Luckily, Future Mother-In-Law has been very excited and helpful, despite her stints in the hospital and major surgery. I’m thankful that I will have in laws that I like and that like me.
My mom is slowly coming around. I can mention things without her blowing me off. She still doesn’t have much to say, but it’s getting better. She’s talked about dresses (and how I need to lose about 40 pounds…Ahh, that’s the statement I remember so fondly…)