(Closed) Anyone else’s Mom’s NOT excited?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@ChantelleyLace: Sorry to hear that.. I can kinda relate as my mom is sorta similar. I have friends who are basically best friends with their moms, but my mom and I have never really been like this. She never taught me about periods, make up, hair or high heels. I just sorta had to figure out a lot of things in life for myself.

Her mother passed away when she was 12 years old, so I feel like this may attribute to a lot of her non-feminine energy moments. She also suffer from a mental illness, which has definitely made her own life much more difficult than the average mom, so I think it’s taken away from her parenting skills at times. Another thing is that she’s done everything alone – my father passed away when I was a baby, so she’s also had to play two parenting roles at once. Don’t get me wrong– my mom has been a great mother in general- she’s done all of the ‘necessary’ parent steps and has truly tried her best to be supportive in anything I do, but it seems to fall short of other mothers in comparison.. if that makes sense? 

When I called her to tell her that I was engaged (which she was expecting since he’d asked her permission), she said she was happy for me, but there was never that “OMG congrats sweetie I love you so much how exciting blah blah” moment that my friends got (and I know she loves my Fiance, so it’s nothing to do with that). When I went dress shopping, and I knew that I’d found *my* dress, she was mostly silent. My Future Mother-In-Law was ecstatic, going on and on about how great it was, etc. and my own mom (who I really wanted validation from at the time) just sat back and watched. It was really frustrating, as I just wanted her approval. Later on that night, she told me that she loved my dress and it was perfect. I just attribute most of her behavior to not having experienced many of her own “motherly” things and so she doesn’t necessarily know what to do or how to act.

Post # 18
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ChantelleyLace: You are not alone! It’s awfully disappointing and at times very hard to come to terms with.

I’m also in what I like to call the “Meh, Mom’s Club” While my mom is not vindictive or mean-spirited she just didn’t seem to care all that much about the wedding. She never asked to help, she reacted surprised when I asked her to come dress shopping and she was also quiet when we found “the one” During the day of the wedding she kind of hid in the background and left pretty soon after the cake cutting. It’s hard to see friends who have these great moms who are all involved, helpful and great parts of their day. I feel sad that I am so different from my mom, and feel that we are never going to be on the same wavelength. 

All my bridesmaids were also far away and so I planned my entire wedding with the help of my husband and some local friends (and with some help from the Bee!). At times I wanted to elope due to the stress of wedding planning, but in the end I am happy that we had the wedding we did. We had an amazing time and like to congratulate ourselves for putting together such a meaningful ceremony and such a kick butt party for ourselves, family and friends.

The best advice I have to combat the sadness of feeling like your mom isn’t there is to take some time to appreciate the people who are supporting you through thick and thin. My bridesmaids were amazing, my now-husband is always my rock, and my in-laws were also there when I broke down in tears the day before our wedding out of disappointment with my own parents. There are people who support you, there are people who love you. Focus on them and ignore the bad stuff for your big day.  

So ladies in the Meh, Mom Club, OMG!!!!!YOU ARE GETTING MARRIEEEEEED! ENJOY!! don’t let anyone rain on your parade! Do what will make you and your future husband happy and remember it’s an event about love! 

Best wishes to all of you!!

Post # 19
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oh, I’m so glad I found this thread.  I thought I was the only one out there, but hey…I can always count on the bees to make me feel normal  🙂

@indy JEEP:  My mom also has a mental illness and she’s sort of a bitter divorcee type.  When we talk, she alternates between telling me all her business for an hour (not exaggerating) then suddenly having to go when I start talking, vs. not responding to calls for days at a time and then being curt when she finally calls back, like I’m imposing on her.  Not exactly healthy, and it’s gotten worse since I moved away from my hometown, like growing up and moving on means I’m abandoning her.

Wedding planning isn’t making this any easier.  I made plans to dress shop in my hometown with her at a few stores (at her request) after she broke plans to visit me instead.  She skipped one day because she was “sick”, and when I got visibly upset when she tried to skip the next day and asked if she was really sick or just tired, she hopped out of bed, gave me a big hug like a kid who knows he’s done wrong, and went with me, magically felt all better.  She mailed me a check for the dress and has asked 3x if I got it, and I think she’s trying to emphasize that that’s her way of participating, so shut up about the wedding stuff already.

I finally gave up and just decided to go with my grandma and some friends, and I found a dress!  They were so supportive and excited, as all the people where I currently live have been, and I’ve just decided they’re my personal Bees 🙂  You’ve gotta go with the people who appreciate you and aren’t trying to hold you back for their own sake.  All moms have a hard time letting go for various reasons, but when it becomes them over you, that’s not okay at wedding time or any other time in your life.  Taken me a long time to learn that, so my heart goes out to allllll of you lovely ladies.  Hang in there and know you are loved 🙂  Just gotta find the people who love you right.

Post # 20
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ditto to what 2DBride said!

My mom is/was definitely not “mom-like” at all to me or my sis.

Esp after our father died almost 11 years ago. 

She went thru a somewhat post midlife crisis and freaked out and immediately began dating her HS boyfriend.

I remember Christmas of 09 when I called to announce our engagement to her.  She said “oh I’m so excited and I have news for you too!  Guess what?  IM ENGAGED.”

Yep.  My own mom tried to upstage me.  She even got married before I did.  But there’s about 10 million other horrible things, other than that she did regarding the death of two of our closest loved ones (our grandparents) and neither my sis or I have any contact with her. (stole our inheritance).   

None of us were at her wedding (sometime in March, which would have been a few weeks after her mothers’ death and during the time our grandfather/her dad was very terminally ill.  He died about a week before her wedding.) and she was not invited to mine.

Fwiw, both of her parents despised her boyfriend (we do too, but it’s for other reasons..him being one of the reasons we were swindled out of our inheritance and b/c it’s his 6th marriage) and it’s so amazing she waited until both were practically dead before she married the jerk, who for 10 years, never tried to meet any of our kids. 

I am glad she didn’t come.  She would have been an attention hog, caused unnecessary drama, and Lord knows what else.

Post # 21
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Mom and I aren’t close, but I expected her to be excited and involved in my wedding like I thought all mother of the brides were. Not so. I felt like I was pulling teeth to get her involved. Months later, she finally mentioned that she had deliberately taken a step back because her mother had taken over everything in her own wedding, and she wanted me to have my own day. Nice but…could she have told me that before? While I was planning, it kind of hurt. Thankfully, my Mom in law and I are like 2 peas in a pod and so she stepped in when I needed a listening ear and pitched in with a ton of work. Just wish it could have been my mother.

Post # 22
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I understand where all of y’all are coming from.  The thing is, my mom is not someone you would have expected to be less enthusiastic;  she’s the kind of person who is totally into her kids and always has been…  but she’s also uber practical and a tightwad so I think she sees wedding spending as very very wasteful.

I was married before and it was a courthouse deal, she was not happy at all about my choice of spouse (in retrospect she was right!)… but she was there, and brought me flowers, and we all went out for dinner later.   When we were planning a big wedding (after the courthouse wedding) she even started making a ring bearer pillow and went with me to look at dresses, etc. 

Well that big wedding never happened and we divorced in 2003.

So yeah, I think the biggest issue this time around is that I am marrying someone of the same gender.

Which shouldn’t be an issue, my mom is super liberal, but still, it has been, I think.  Very recently she’s started to come around and at least I do know for sure she is coming, for a while I had no idea what to expect at all.  And she got very insulted when her brother suggested she might NOT go to the wedding, lecturing him about supporting his children emotionally and all.

Still, she tires quickly of hearing about wedding stuff and never asks about details except as they pertain to where/when and her own travel arrangements. 

It sucks and sucks even more because FI’s mom is completely absent, just an awful person, and my friends have pretty much ignored my wedding since we started planning.   So yeah I do feel like I’m doing a lot of this solo.  My kids are more excited than any friends/family, really.

Post # 23
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Mine’s either uninterested or crying that I don’t involve her.  She’s 15 hours away and works crazy hours…I really have no idea how to involve her with things.  I asked her if she wanted me to hold off on dress shopping until I was home at Thanksgiving…she said to go ahead and go shopping.  Well, then the entire week I was home, all I heard about was that I didn’t need my mother for anything, even buying my wedding dress. 

Even though we’re having a very small, simple wedding, I sense some jealousy.  My mother had a quick shotgun wedding–cake and punch reception, no engagement ring, etc.  I find it very interesting that she expressed no interest in seeing my e-ring…and was more interested in my charm bracelet.

She also severely enables my sister, but that’s another story…

Post # 24
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

We moved our date to June 2012 and my mom said “Oh well, the world is suppose end by then so we dont have to worry about it.” She was talking about December 2012 which is obviously after the wedding but its nice to know she would rather the world end then for me to get married. Go figure.

Post # 25
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Yeah, I don’t really know if my Mom is excited, but she certainly manages to suck the joy out of things. Her focus is pretty much herself across the board, and is unable to listen to reason. She will still complain that I don’t include her, but I only manage to get a fragment of a sentence out about wedding plans before she is telling me at length irrelevant advice on how to do things.  I tell her that we booked a country club for the reception and she will talk for two hours about how we should have booked a church hall and hired little old ladies to cater it for $7 per person and then we would have been able to invite all the relatives that she would like to have seen. Never mind that $7 per person is what she paid for her reception 30+ years ago, and we’ve already put down the deposit so why go on about it? Or she has a friend who is a “photographer” who also happens to work like three other minimum wage jobs. I said I’d look over his portforlio, and he was trying to charge twice what other actual professional photographers are charging. So I say no thanks, and she goes on and on about how we shouldn’t worry about the price, and if we can’t afford it we can just hire him for less hours. She is not contributing. Right, good idea. Anyway, I should stop now. It’s not really just about wedding stuff, she will always be like this about everything. It is not a healthy relationchip and it is a continual struggle for me to enforce boundaries.

Post # 26
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@kayakblondie: LOL yes at $7 an hour.  My mom is stuck (financially) in 1975 it seems.  She is always exclaiming about what things cost and I remember it wasn’t until 2005 that she finally was willing to pay more than 20 bucks for a pair of jeans. 

She just recently found out that we’re paying around $800 for our photographer and about DIED.  Nevermind when I tried to explain what a STEAL that is for a good photographer, especially when half of that is plane fare!  I did think she was going to fall over dead.   She forgets I paid nothing for my dress when it came down to it!

Whatever, she’s not paying a penny so who cares, right?

But yeah, she also thinks that this wedding planning is something I can put on the back burner whenever she needs me to do something, and once she did offer to help when I told her how stressed I was but then never actually helped.  

 

 

Post # 27
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Oh man….I can relate! Your mom sounds exactly the same as my mom. When we told my mom she said “Oh, I thought you were going to say you were pregnant”. I said “no…just engaged.” and she said “Well, a baby is the real commitment. You can undo a wedding but not a baby”. My grandma had a similar reaction. Some people just don’t have any ability to experience joy. Forget about them as much as you can and try to focus on your friends who are excited for you!

Post # 28
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2013
Post # 28
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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ChantelleyLace:  oh boy! I grew up with a mother like this! I was never good enough, always wrong when she had to choose between me and my sister. Had the boldness to tell me she was wondering how graduated with my master’s degree, apparently i’m that stupid! And then I moved out, and things cooled down because I didn’t see her everyday… So I kinda forgot how she could pull me down… So one day, this great guy ask me to marry him, and I want to tel. The whole world! That’s what texts are for! But we wanted somehow to do it in person for our respectives parents. So we invited them over, cooked them dinner.. And told them! And I felt like I was back 15 years ago! She asked if it was for real (we’ve been living together for 4 years, and are respectively 28 and 30, and we’ll celebrate our 6 year together the day of our wedding) She thought it was a joke! Okay so it hurt me! Hurt me bad, and I thought that she had changed, and me being the optimistic one, when you get such disappointing reaction, it’s worst than when you expect nothing at all!

Considering her reaction and all, and us wanting a small intimate wedding, we chose a small venue less than 100seated people for the reception. 

When i sent her the temporary list, she made a scene because we didn’t invite her friends… So now she cares! We’re paying fir everything! It doesn’t bother us, that way we can contron our wedding but when she tells you it lacks 20 people…

we started planning a year and half in advance, it’s a DIY wedding! I love crafts so it’s more like a hobby than a chore! But of course when you’re doing everything yourself, it takes time! She started telling us we were exagerating because we were already starting…  

My man and I decided not to talk of wedding related stuff with them, anyway, last night because my father was away on a working trip and it’s Mardi gras, we all went to eat with my Father-In-Law. And I mentionned something wedding related to my man… She actually said you’re still talking about this wedding…

everytime i promise myself that she won’t get me down, but it never miss… And so many times people around me don’t understand… I feel for you!

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