Post # 32
Oh, and to be clear, I didn’t say you were like someone from The Realhousewives. I said the subject, feeling bad about having more $$ to spend on a wedding, was akin to a RHW feeling bad about living in the OC. My point? Both are silly.
I am not judging anyone, my budget is $15k which is not a whole lot less than yours. I am still in college and my FH graduated less than a year ago, so we are both cutting corners everywhere and working extra side jobs to save, and I am only having 80 people in my wedding so I KNOW how expensive weddings can be — especially when you have a vision in your mind that you can’t quite let go of. Having said that, I see absolutely NO reason to feel bad about spending $15k just because someone else is spending $2k. Different people have different visions and different ideas of what their “dream” wedding will be.
Post # 33
I have to say that regardless of my financial situation–whether I win the lottery tomorrow or not… I only intend on spending X amount of dollars for my wedding. The reason being that I work with charities a lot and have done a lot of travelling in poor countries in my life–and in good conscience I cannot bring myself to spend so extravagantly on a glorified party.
Post # 34
No problem. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the stereotype, I just think it is important to keep in mind what the blogs are going to value, which is creativity. They must feature something new and exciting, or they have no reason to exist. Therefore, the weddings featured are all going to be inherently interesting, or interesting for their price point.
But I’ve had it out from your direction. I totally chear for budget Bees, but I don’t really like it when someone asserts that there is no difference between an expensive dress and an inexpensive one, for example. The difference may not be important to that Bee, but own that fact, don’t bring down other people’s choices. I actually think that is an underlying theme in many posts (check out the ring posts, and the number of girls who don’t just say they love their ring, but assert how it is in some way better than the alternative). There is A LOT of projection out there, as if the choice a Bee makes is not just the right one at the right price for her, but the Good and Right Choice For All Bees, Amen (and that is why I chose it, not because it is what I could afford). I would rather we all, big and small budgets and varying tastes, own our choices and not project them on the whole planet.
But, mini-vent. I think you are just feeling a little of this. Don’t sweat it, the only audience that will really matter is your guests.
Post # 35
I think a lot of the issue is women who feel defensive about the small budget they have, overcompensating by saying things that sound disparaging to those with larger budgets.
I felt sometimes like I got it from both sides with my wedding. Our budget ended up being between $10,000 and $11,000, after taking into account the amount we made reselling stuff after the wedding. I sometimes felt under attack from both sides–brides with bigger budgets saying that you just have to have an open bar, limos, professional photography and videography of every detail, etc, and brides with smaller budgets saying that spending more than required for a private ceremony with a JOP was just wasteful. Of course, most of the time they didn’t really mean that. It was just that what they said pushed my own buttons of insecurity.
And unfortunately, our society often makes brides feel insecure. The WIC tells us that the wedding day is “the most important day of your life,” and thus that no expense is too much to ensure that it is perfect (which of course, it never is anyway). And at the same time, the bride who works hard to make the day special gets told she is being a Bridezilla. Men are never criticized about the opulence or otherwise of their weddings. Nor are people planning any other type of party assumed to be selfish, manipulative, and whatever else a Bridezilla is supposed to be if the party is lavish.
Post # 36
This post actually makes me feel a bit better. I’ve been having one of those.. ‘this is a lot of money to spend, how are we spending this much money when we are not paying or having XYZ, this could pay for a car’ type of weeks when our budget hit $15000 from the $10000 we had originally targeted. I’m including EVERYTHING in our budget – rings, honeymoon, food, venue, our hotel, rehearsal dinner, etc.
I’m also in an interesting position, my parents have delayed a kitchen remodel in their house and keep telling me to have the wedding you want and they can help while my Fiance feels the need to pay for it all. (my FIL’s are not help to help with the planning or rehearsal dinner due to health). Seventy-five percent of our 80 person guest list is coming from out of state making it difficult for me to book Friday or Sundays nor cut food (IMO).
One of my philosophies when starting all of this planning (6 months from engagement to wedding.. :-)), was that I wanted someplace where they were going to do a lot of the coordinating for me. As a grad student who works more hours that I like to count and my mother being 1700 miles away, the time to DIY too many things is just isn’t there. Similar to @monitajb, we have decided to have a DJ rather than iPod and some of those types of things but are getting a photography for free.
In all honesty, as long as you have fun and don’t spend extravagently beyond your means, who cares how much you spend on a wedding? If $2000 is your budget and you are marrying the person you love, that is what will make the day fun. The same applies for if you are spending $30000. I sometimes think the small budget brides have a difficult time because they really want to have their day be special and see people having the opportunity to have things that just are feasible in their budgets.
Post # 37
I think this all goes back to the fact that money, and how much of it we have or do not have, is a personal and sensitive issue in our society. I love that people are open and honest about their budgets here on weddingbee, but I would never tell my “real life” friends how much we are spending on our wedding. I know that we are spending an astronomical amount by almost anyone’s standards, but that’s just how it has to be. I live in the SF Bay Area, and we are inviting 400 guests to a sit-down dinner reception with an open bar. That said, I am still DIY-ing a ton of things because I want to, not because I’m trying to save money.
For me, there are a lot of things in terms of pre-made wedding items that I don’t personally like. If I can make something that I actually like for cheaper, I’ll make it myself, not just for the purpose of saving money, but because I can make something better than what’s available for purchase. I think the misconception is that if you have a lot of money to spend, you will go the pre-packaged route and your wedding might end up looking cookie-cutter. So not true, at least in my case!
I agree with Mrs. DG that as long as you are not spending beyond your means, you shouldn’t feel guilty. I’m not going to feel guilty about how much we spend on our wedding. My fiance’s family has saved for years for their children’s weddings, my fiance and I both have great jobs, and it’s going to be one hell of a party for us. No one is going into debt for it, and it’s going to have a lot of personal touches even if it extravagant and expensive.
I give mad props to the ladies that can pull off beautiful weddings for one-fifth of what I am spending, but there is no way I could have the wedding I want on that sort of budget. Just isn’t possible. I’m OK with that, my fiance is OK with that, and at the end of the day, our opinions are the only ones that matter to us.
Finally, I believe that it’s hard to compare budgets across the U.S. and the world. Some states are more expensive than others, some of us live in big cities and others live in rural areas. I don’t really pay too much attention to other peoples’ budgets, even here on weddingbee, unless they live in an area comparable to where I live.
Post # 38
Many have said what I would say, so I won’t reiterate. I agree that the common denominator is feeling that you have to be very elegant and stylish and tasteful, but also not extravagant. Brides that spend a lot of money (and this could be anywhere from $2,000 to $200,000 depending on where you live and who you ask) feel guilty for being too materialistic. Brides spending less (again, this varies greatly) worry about creating the impression of that luxe wedding that everyone is expected to have on a small budget. On both sides, there are unrealistic expectations and social pressures. In the end, it is YOUR (or your family’s) money, and its YOUR party. Do what you think is best, not what you think is expected of you.
Post # 39
Please don’t feel bad. My Fiance and I are having a low budget wedding…but its because we are both graduate students, he’s trying to start a business and we just really don’t think spending 20K on one day is worth it. Plus we are having our wedding in my hometown and the area doesn’t require alot of money to have a nice wedding..and we are having 210 guests. But that’s just my opinion. Everyone has their own vision on what they would like their wedding to look like. My Fiance and I don’t really care about our reception as long as our guests eat and dance…we are more focused on our ceremony because that should be the main reason people are there…but everyone is different and your wedding will be different.
Post # 40
I hear you girlwitharing … there was a post a few months ago saying stuff like “who are these crazy women who spend 5K on a dress!” and “It’s mommy and daddy footing the bill, those girls got it easy” that I tooootally took way personally. Like, I get it that 5K is a lot of moolah to spend on one dress, but the posters were making all kinds of assumptions about the girls who buy designer dresses (like myself) and I felt pretty offended.
But then you know what? I realized that even though weddingbee is the friendliest online community EVER, it’s still the internet, and the people posting don’t have the same filter they would in real life. As in, most people wouldn’t tell me to my face that I am lazy and spoiled for having an expensive dress 🙂 It was a good wake-up call for me not to take these things too seriously …
Post # 41
I just have to respond & say just because I am not spending a large amount of money on my wedding doesn’t mean that I or my Fiance doesn’t work our asses off, because we do. We are choosing to have a smaller budget wedding because we want to build our house. Just because we have a smaller budget doesn’t make us any different than someone with a larger budget. No one should make anyone feel bad because of the type of wedding that they have be it small budget or large. A wedding should not be about how much money your spend, it should be about two people commiting their lives to one another.
Post # 42
I was hesitant to start this thread last night, since money and budgets are always tricky topics and have the potential to get emotional fast. I’m glad I did though because you all have such great insights about societal expectations, blog-world expectations, and the rationale between different budgets.
Just to clarify an earlier point, I don’t think brides who spend less don’t work as hard. I was just pointing out that often, smaller budgets are a choice, not a necessity. For example, maybe you work really hard and make the choice to spend your money on a house rather than the wedding. Or maybe you make the choice to get a lower paying job so you can’t accumulate savings for the wedding. Or maybe you decide to get married young rather than waiting a few years to save up for the wedding. I’m not saying that these choices are somehow better or worse than others. But life has tradeoffs, and if someone chooses a lower budget wedding, they need to accept that. (Disclaimer:I also recognize that some people’s smaller budgets are not a choice, but rather a result of unfortunate family circumstances (health, accidents, etc), so clearly that wouldn’t apply to those cases.)
Post # 43
Heck no I wouldn’t of felt bad if I had a bigger budget 🙂
We had a very budgeted wedding and I loved it, but it def would of been nice to not have to DIY so much.
I think there is an influx of posts about budget & DIY weddings because of the economy, and it seems that the majority arn’t able to spend alot on their weddings. So, its posts like those that gives us hope that you can still have a fab wedding on a low dime.
Post # 44
@girlwitharing – don’t feel bad. It’s all about personal choice. Some people have the means to have a more expensive wedding and some don’t. I’m sure some girls even COULD afford a more expensive wedding but CHOOSE to stick to a smaller budget. If anything, this website just proves “to each, her own” as we see all varieties of budgets, dresses, decor, honeymoons, etc.
Personally speaking, my budget is more than yours. And then we’re having a second reception two weeks after our Destination Wedding in my hometown that is also going to cost a bundle. It’s just how we chose to roll. I feel very fortunate but I don’t look down on people who have smaller budgets. If anything, I have TOTAL respect for anybody that can DIY anything (I’m a BIY girl) and those that know how to stretch a dollar. I love reading about their finds and plans. Those girls have serious talent!!!
Post # 45
Nope. We spent 18K on 125 people. It’s just for us, what was feasible to feed that many people.
If we didn’t “safely” have the amoutn of money to spend, I wouldn’t have done it. At this point and time in our lives, it isn’t a big enough concern with our jobs and what we make and the things we already have in life.
I refuse to feel bad for having the things I do in life. The choices I’ve made (and the choices I deal with every day) allow me the financial abilities to afford what I want. For NOW, i’m in a job that pays really well. I don’t love it though (hence, the punishment of it). But I can buy what I want and I relish that luxury (I may as well while I can lol) and I will NOT feel bad for splurging on myself occassionally. I’m quite frugal in most aspects of my life and I’m sure some people DO think some of my expenses are unnecessary.But they do not live my life nor have my salary, or they may feel differently =].
I would never judge anyone for having a different budget. But i admit that perspective is key, as I will go “wow 50K is a HUGE budget” because, in my sitaution, it IS huge. But I am not that bride and I do not live her life, so money is all relative I think!!!
Also, I notice a lot of the brides here are still in college which I think changes a lot of money things. When you have a smaller budget, you tend to be MORE resourceful about finding things online. Hence you find The Hive. But people who have more money and larger budgets (the average wedding is 22K for a reason) probably don’t showcase their weddings online and defer to a professional planner or word of mouth for their wedding stuff. They don’t MAKE their stuff, they BUY it. And if you have the money, go for it. But you won’t find those brides necessarily blogging about it or posting about “look what I bought!” cuz you’ll find posts that say “look what I made!” instead
Post # 46
@Girlwitharing, I am so glad you wrote this post because I 100% agree with you. I have a large budget as my parents are paying for the entire wedding. And I feel as though girls with smaller budgets are sort of put on a pedestal and encouraged while us ‘larger budget’ girls are kind of ignored. I wanted to apply to be a bee, but I didn’t think I’d have a huge following as I don’t have to work for anything I choose and most of the aspects of my wedding are more ‘platinum wedding’ items.
I agree that there is a lot of heart, soul and creativity that goes into DIY weddings with smaller budgets, but that doesn’t mean my wedding lacks these things. Fiance and I didn’t hire a wedding coordinator like David Tutera to make it fabulous, we made every decision together to make it ‘us’. We just didn’t have to worry about costs.