Post # 47
I hear you on this. Being from the area I am (NYC metro) things are just more expensive. Our guest list being what it is, things are just more expensive. Certain expectations from family and friends being what they are, things are just more expensive. My tastes being what they are, things are just more expensive. The fact that I am not at all DIY-capable, things get bought not made. I’m not going to feel bad for that because I don’t have to. It’s my life.
Perhaps more importantly, though, I’m not going to feel bad for the fact that my parents and FIs parents are paying for the wedding. I’m sick of the “mummy and daddy are footing the bill” comments that float around here occasionally. I’m not going to apologize for the fact that my parents have the means to pay for my wedding. They worked hard their whole lives and there are certain things (tuition, wedding) that they feel, as parents, they are responsible for and have saved accordingly. I have all the respect in the world for bees who put themselves through school and are paying for their own wedding but that simply isn’t my situation and I don’t feel bad about that. That’s not snobbery, that’s life, and I’m grateful for the life I’ve been able to have. Anyone who has anything negative to say about it can kiss my grits because my situation has nothing to do with anyone else’s situation.
Post # 48
“…but when posters say that you can get the same wedding for $2K as for $20K, the implicit conclusion is: so why would you spend the higher amount?”
I disagree, and think it’s reaching a bit to glean from this that all or most members of the hive believe that one shouldn’t spend the money one has.
What I take away from the above is that those who have small budgets needn’t worry that their weddings will seem “less,” either to themselves or their families and guests. In a wedding world dominated by StyleMePretty, OnceWed, SYTTD and Platinum Weddings, I imagine it’s easy to feel that way, particularly if you can’t even afford what a bride with a larger budget might call “the basics” and are struggling to reconcileyour dream celebration with a budget that can’t accomodate splurges.
And, yes, a bride who has the option of forgoing DIY does have it easier. The nine or ten hours that I spend behind a desk are easier than those my best friend spends on her feet teaching English and theater, and at the end of the day I get to go home and order in dinner and outsource a lot of my wedding planning because I have the means. She can’t and doesn’t. That doesn’t make her a better person or my wedding less meaningful, but there’s simply no way to accurately describe our situations as equivalent.
This is not a zero-sum game. Praising one person’s choices is not the same as denigrating another’s, and that’s important to remember I think, in a community as diverse as the hive. There are so many ways to have a lovely wedding, and it can be useful to step back and remember that often comments are tailored to the specific situation of an individual poster, and shouldn’t be taken as blanket statements of what’s right or wrong. Other than, say, not feeding guests – there isn’t one thing or another that’s inherrently better. So own your decisions, feel good about your choices and spread that confidence around.
Post # 49
@teandtoast very well said!
Post # 50
I have been following this thread since yesterday and would like to say that there are definitely some great posts on here. At first I thought oh man this is going to get catty but everybody made some valid points. I also think anytime you talk about money in general there is always going to be some tension so why should the wedding budget be any different. I want to say I am a proud “tiny” budget bride and a hard worker because it seemed in a some earlier posts that maybe those that have a smaller budget werent hard workers which offended some. I never knock the big budget brides and actually look forward to hearing about their weddings. However, I also tune in on the tiny budgets because this site made me feel like i wasnt the only one out there that has had to adapt and change my dream wedding plans. Guess I havent seen all the mommy and daddy footing the bill posts, but I would agree it isnt right to knock anyone for having a bigger budget or a “tiny” budget. I think this post definitely showed that both sides can say things that can be taken the wrong way. I just want to add though that its still great to see what people truly think about this topic.
Post # 51
@sweetnote10 Very well said as well!
I hope I didn’t sound anti-big budget. I just wanted to point out the opposite perspective. The whole reason I’m here is for inspiration from weddings of all shapes and sizes 🙂
Post # 52
@penned-Your post stuck out the most to me yesterday and made me feel like I should add my opinion today! LOL. I think that what you said is true we are all here trying to learn from each other about the big world of wedding planning. I love being able to log on here and feel like there is a community of brides that are just like me stressing about making your day memorable! Plus I love all the websites I find out about on here!!!!
Post # 53
In response to something GW/aRing mentioned: “Disclaimer:I also recognize that some people’s smaller budgets are not a choice, but rather a result of unfortunate family circumstances (health, accidents, etc), so clearly that wouldn’t apply to those cases.”
For those of us who have smaller budgets out of necessity, there is going to be a grain of jealousy there that will either push us to embrace what we have, or lash out at those who have a lot. It is extremely demoralizing to be broke, to pinch pennies, or even to be “poor.” It sucks. It’s awful. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there. (Like, I haven’t had a haircut since July because I can’t afford it, and then I read about bees who use shampoo that costs more than a haircut would…that’s not a good feeling!) When ladies who can only afford to spend maybe one or two thousand on their weddings (or whatever the equivalent is for you), I’m really glad to see them get a lot of encouragment. I’m just as happy for a couple spending 50K as a couple spending 5K, but I’m more likely to cheer on those who are having a hard time of it out of a feeling of empathy.
BUT. Just because people are rooting for the broke/cheap folks, doesn’t mean they’re not rooting for everyone else too!
The important thing is that two people are getting married. Not what sort of wedding they’re having. We are sharing in the same experience whether we’re spending a fortune or not. The experience just happens to be in different places with different accoutrements. I wish we’d talk less about money and more about what it means to us to get married. We have so much common ground there.
Post # 54
My number one request is that responders stop assuming that a budget of X dollars means the bride doesn’t have to DIY. $30,000 in one area of the country may give you the option to have everything done professionally, but in Chicago, with the number of guests our parents expect to be able to invite, that’s just not possible… and so it feels like being attacked from both sides sometimes – since I’m DIYing a lot, I love all the DIY blogs and threads. But (mostly on the blogs) there’s a hugely negative connotation towards bigger budgets.
Bottom line – I really enjoyed all these responses, but please stop saying things like bigger budget brides don’t understand how hard it is to have to spend time DIY-ing – some of us do! Some of us are students and working hard, and have set budgets that may seem high to you, but realistically aren’t high enough for our area to allow us the leisure that many people seem to think go with a bigger price tag.
Post # 55
@lilyfaith – AMEN. $20K does not get you far in NYC or Philly, so I DIY a lot. And if you think being a DIY bride is hard, try doing it while working 14 hour days like I do…
Post # 56
I don’t understand the perseption that bigger budget brides aren’t represented. When the bees revealed their budgets weren’t there a bunch of 60k and someone who hit 100k? (I don’t remember exact numbers.) And those were wonderful lovely weddings – but who would claim that 100k isn’t a large budget?
I see a lot more dress posts for 1k dresses than I do for <$500. And that’s fine! But, I think the tiny budget brides are a definite minority so I’m not sure why there’s a feeling that larger budgets aren’t represented.
All budgets but the 60K and up (okay I just made that number up out of thin air and am probably wrong about it – but whatever number it is) require that things are cut and something is done without or DIY etc. because it depends on brides personal choices and priorities and lots and lots of things cost lots and lots of money. There is just so much that can be done for a wedding that the bill becomes asstronomical. But of course if you have more money (in the same place) it’s easier to do certain things.
My Fiance says to vendors that we are very budget consious (mostly because I have a heart attack each time out budget grows) and we’re cutting a ton (cake etc.) but yes it’s a lot easier than if we had 2k. If we had 2k, dinner and dancing for our guests in the Bay Area would not be possible.
But even for the modest budget that we have we don’t have to DIY. For 2k – you’ve no choice about the DIY.
There are a lot of struggles, financial and otherwise with medium 20s wedding or 30s or 40s. And brides should feel free to post about those! I would hope that on weddingbee no one will judge in response.
Every wedding is different. And that’s okay and right!
Post # 57
Wow this thread has been intense reading! But I totally agree with both sides! We are just in the beginning stages of planning our wedding! We have gone to a few places and realized in our area things get expensive fast. We are going to have a longer engagement so we can save.
I think it would be great the have a “Platnium Wedding” , and I think its awesome for those who do..but I def think its equally as great for brides who do it on the “lower budget” scale.
All that matters is that you are happy and can afford the bill out the end of the night! 🙂
Post # 58
GirlWithARing — I am mostly inclined to be understanding to you as I read this thread because I agree with lilyfaith and Arachna on their perspectives and teaadntoast’s last paragraph — it is what you make it and there is no right or wrong wedding, but your last reply here is really off-putting. “Try DIYing and working 14 hours a day like I do.” The underlying implication, based on your position and repeated emphasis on the fact that you work all these hours to afford the wedding of your choosing, being that lower budget brides work fewer hours and have all this time left to DIY? That is the kind of comment that will make someone unsympathetic to your situation, like you’re the only one who has to work for it. I know there are many bees (probably at varying budget points) who work full time and are full time students and/or parents pulling similar hours, so I really don’t see how that comment was necessary or helpful to your cause. Whether or not that was your intention (hopefully it just came off wrong), it seems very condescending.
Post # 59
I don’t think those with a bigger budget should feel bad for having that budget. As others have posted, it definitely depends on where you are getting married as to how far your budget is going to get you.
I wish we had a bigger budget, there are definitely things I would LOVE to do, but we just can’t. I have a Fiance who doesn’t have a steady job because our area was hit hard by the economic downturn in the auto industry. For us, when it comes to paying the mortgage or spending a ton on our wedding, I have to go with the mortgage.
If someone has the money to spend more, by golly go for it and think of me bc I am jealous! I just don’t like to see people take out $50k loans or use credit cards like cash to have a big wedding. If you can afford it though, be proud:) I do think though that 5k weddings can look just as beautiful as a 100k wedding….you just get a completely different setting and atmosphere, and both are great.
Post # 60
Gosh, how much DIY are people really doing? Hours everyday? Actually, I think I am going to start a poll! I am curious now.
Post # 61
I feel this way a lot. A bunch of our friends (read: 5 couples) got married last year and all of them were on “small” budgets because of their limited finances – their words, not mine. I loved all of their weddings and it never occurred to me to even ASK them about the budget.
However, when Fiance and I started planning our wedding, many people asked about budget especially because my parents are paying. Inevitably, I’m uncomfortable with the question and shy away from it because more than one person who has heard my budget has given me “that look” – you know, the one where they’re looking down on you, they’re just not saying it. (and no, that’s not just in my head because it’s come back to me from other friends later :()
I don’t think I should have to feel guilty because I’m having a 20k wedding. My friends had wedding budgets ranging from 2k to 10k and all of their weddings were amazing. I don’t think the budget is as important as the people and the atmosphere. I would never look down on someone for having a smaller wedding budget so why should people look down on me for having a bigger one?
I should say that I have found support with many friends and that it’s not the majority that act this way but I should also say that I’ve stopped answering the budget question entirely because, quite frankly, I don’t think it is anyone’s business.