Post # 1
So DH would really not like to know the gender but I have won that argument. I have been thinking about it and we think a good compromise will be not telling anyone else. I am a private person and actually feel like telling anyone who asks, random coworkers, people in the supermarket, for me personally would feel strange. Like I’m sharing the genitalia of the baby inside my body and that’s a little too personal for me. I know that might seem weird.
We’re also not a fan of overly gendered baby stuff so I’m hoping to reduce the amount of blue or pink stuff we get. Especially pink. I am really not a fan of all pink things for girls. I realize people will have plenty of opportunity to buy this stuff after the baby is born though.
I’m pretty sure our mothers will be beside themselves with not knowing. I don’t want to lie to people I’m close to but I’m fine with telling others that we just don’t know. Has anyone done this successfully? Did close family and friends get mad at you? Is it a bad idea?
Post # 3
We originally planned to do this, but when it got closer to the time to fnd out I changed my mind. We compromised and told people the gender (a girl!) but decided to keep all names to ourselves.
I would suggest that you find out if you want, but do not tell anyone that you know. A lie, yes, but less offensive than telling people you are keeping the secret from them!
For what it is worth, we had our baby shower early (before we found out the gnder) and it was so worth it to get more gear and gender-neutral items. Once we found out the gender we spread the word that we do NOT want a lot of frilly or pink, or sparkly things. So far people have been accomodating 🙂
Post # 4
We are planning to find out and not share. My MIL wants to be surprised so it seems easiest to just keep it between us.
ETA: I think I plan on just telling people that we don’t know.
Post # 5
My opinion on this isn’t on the side of finding out and keeping it a secret. I see your reasons, so I’m not saying YOU would be doing it for this reason, but typically it just comes across as attention seeking to me. In reality, no one cares about the gender as much as the parents do, so to find out the gender and then be like but we’re not sharing it… just seems like it’s a way for most people to get attention.
You don’t HAVE to share the gender, but I think I you can easily resolve the pink and blue issue by just letting people know you aren’t huge on pink. I’m having a boy and I already see a million red and blue baby things in my future, so I’m trying to not buy any in those colors myself. Also, aren’t sharing your baby’s genitalia with the wodrld unless you SHOW them the genitalia, which I am totally with you and not into the whole “see there’s my baby’s peepee!!” thing. I also have not shared any US pics on facebook. No one needs to see the inside of my uterus!
Post # 6
We did, sort of. Our plan was to find out at 20 weeks and keep it a secret until our shower, at which point we would spill the beans with a joint shower/gender reveal. And that’s exactly what we did. We found out at 20 weeks and told people at 32 weeks. I thought it was going to be impossible to keep the secret for that long, but I’m 34 weeks now and I think I could have gone the rest of the way without siipping up.
We loved having that secret between us, and we also loved getting gender neutral stuff at our showers. That said, now that we can freely refer to our baby as “he/him” it makes it feel a WHOLE LOT more real.
And although we no longer have that gender secret, we are keeping our list of names under wraps. So once again, there will still be some element of surprise when the baby is born.
Post # 7
Naw… It’s just not how we choose to do it. We’ve already happily announced that it’s a girl. It’s a personal choice though, so there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it.
Post # 8
I know a lot of people who wait to announce until after their showers, just to avoid gendered things. Personally, I registered for as much neutral as possible to try to avoid blue everything, but since we did a gender reveal, we’ll see how much good it does in a few weeks at my first shower.
Post # 9
@MsJ2theZ: Really? My thoughts are actually that I’m trying to shy aware from attention. Whenever I find out what some distant cousin or coworker I hardly know is having I feel like I have to react in some way like awww a boy or awww a girl. Then people talk about how having a boy or girl is the best, or hard or whatever and it just draws more attention to what I’m already uncomfortable about, people talking about the contents of my uterus.
I think I will tell people I don’t know well that we don’t know. I’m not decided on whether to lie to family about knowing, or just tell them.
Post # 10
I wish we had done this. We were bombarded with pink things and it really made me wish we’d just kept it between us. And as far as what other people think who cares? You have to do what’s best for you. I am so sick of seeing people being attacked as attention seekers. Good Lord let people do what they need to do spew your bitterness at the weather or something lol. You can’t please everyone so do what you need to do. Like I already said if I could change one thing I did during this pregnancy it would be making the gender public.
Post # 11
@PatientBee: It depends on the person, like I said, based on your reasoning I can see why you wouldn’t want to talk about it really, some people are just private. But I’d say a good majority of people aren’t and love attention in general. I think saying you don’t know is a good approach, strangers and people you don’t know well don’t really need to know your business anyway. And when you DO find out, you might feel stronger one way or the other. You might feel like you really do want to just keep it on the dl, or that you can’t imagine not sharing the excitement with your family. It comes down to personal preference, that’s just how it comes across to me in general.
Post # 12
@MsJ2theZ: My SIL did this and it drove the entire family bonkers. She was really rude about it though and let everyone know that they were keeping it a secret. She was also upset after the baby was born (a boy) and everyone only gave her white and yellow items. (but really what other options are there? Grey? Red can sometimes go either way maybe…)
If you are not blatently obvious about you knowing and just leave it as something like “we decided we will be happy reguardless of the gender” you should be okay, but if your family finds out that you know and you are keeping it a secret expect some hurt feelings. I think as long as you are prepared to deal with people asking about every strange old wives tale there is to try and figure out if its a boy or girl then you should probably be fine.
Post # 13
When we found out SIL and BIL were pregnant, I asked SIL if they’ll find out sex. She said not sure yet. I talked about my experience waiting to find out my baby’s sex till the real birthday and it was such a great surprise, I’d love to do it again if I got the chance.
They told everyone they decided to wait to find out the sex of baby. Well fast forward to a business type dinner (BIL and my husband work together). Sitting at a business dinner, in casual conversation, coworkers were saying that they were having a girl! Oh really?!
OH OK! I guess the only ones getting the ‘surprise’ was going to be me and my husband. I thought that was the jerkiest thing I had ever heard of.
Somewhere in there MIL admitted they had told the parents right away and were going to keep it a secret for everybody else. *Except for co-workers?
Whatever you decide to do, remember the parents to be are the ones that care most. Its not the most exciting surprise for aunts and uncles especially when they know they are the last to know.
Post # 14
@PatientBee: The only reason I ask any of my pregnant friends if they know the gender yet, its because there are, in this whole entire universe, only three topics that are totally safe to discuss with a pregnant woman.
1. Possible names
2. The Gender
3. Nursery Decor
Everything else is a potential powder keg, and should be avoided….so if I ask, because I’m trying to be supportive and interested in her experience, and I get, “We know but we’re not telling….” I always feel as if I’ve been identified as some covert family spy and cannot be trusted with such sensitive information.
Its not that big a deal, either way, but from what I’ve seen, the couples that keep it to themselves, find more drama stirring around their secrecy, at least within their close families, than if they had just come out and said, “Its a boy, go easy on the blue shit.”
Post # 15
I think it’s cool when parents don’t share and let it be a surprise. I didn’t have the restraint to do that myself, but I admire those who do. It makes the announcement really fun, IMO! If the only reason is to not get overloaded on a particular colour, though, I’d just casually toss that info into a conversation and tell people the gender. We got a lot of neutral stuff before our girls were born, and I never put them in it because people always assume our little baldies are boys! Not super into pink either, but I find it’s nice to have stuff like dresses.
Post # 16
@Nona99: +1 exactly! why the need for drama and attention? its annoying.