Post # 17
I had an ex who could never finish. He watched a LOT of porn, he could never finish without doing it himself with his eyes closed. Or he would get out of bed and go and watch porn in the living room by himself. At the time I thought that was just how he was and it was probably my fault. He also used to message random girls sexy talk on the internet all the time, when I caught him out he said he just liked the idea of it but it would never get to anything. I have to say that the end wasn’t successful, I still talk to him occasionally and he’s on his fourth girlfriend and still has the same issues. Sorry I can’t be of any help, hope you find a solution for you guys. I know how disheartening it feels to be in that kind of situation.
Post # 18
Thanks bees for the encouragement, relating to me, and sharing your stories. I appreciate everyone responding, but I just want to reiterate that I’m looking for success stories as opposed to failure stories or advice. The reason is that I’ve thought the ins and outs of the situation to death. I’m realistic about it and I know counseling is necessary; I’m not trying to get help with any decision. My husband says he is open to counseling but he’s pretty much leaving it up to me to get started because he’s reluctant to go. I started this thread because I want to believe that counseling and making changes in your sex life can work, and stories help me to have hope. Thanks again bees.
Post # 19
@LIKE-A-BOSS: Thanks so much for your story, it’s amazing that you were able to find healing within your relationship. As for my husband, he knows he has a problem and has been to support groups (inconsistently, but it’s still a big step). He mostly abstains, but then has relapses where he binges on it. He is uncomfortable with the idea of therapy but he says he would be open to it. I have to push him somewhat.
Post # 20
Good, good. I think it sounds very promising for the two of you if he is really trying to stop. I really think positive relationships can work wonders for people, especially with sex-related problems. He is very lucky to have someone so steadfast in their commitment to him as you are.
It sounds like you must be feeling that you are starting to hit a new cycle where he is good for a bit and then binges, and so it may be time to go to the next type of treatment. I actually think it would be a lot easier to go to individual therapy than support groups as he is only possibly being “judged” or “outed” by one person, be it that he may perceive any judgment as being from a therapist’s pedestal while the group is on the same level. It is probably time to just start looking at, and talking about, local therapists on the computer while he’s next to you and then just ask him if a certain appointment date and time would work out for a consultation… If he beats around the bush, I’d just talk one up a lot and then schedule a time that you know he can make. It also may help to let him know that he is in control of his therapy and that the therapist is just a guide or think tank monitor to help him stay honest with himself and his progress. It may take switching therapists once or twice to get one that he feels suited to, but he should be picking one that he feels will motivate him to get healthy, not one that he thinks he can manipulate or just get a pat on the back from.
I don’t usually like taking normality out of everyday environments, but maybe until he gets a long streak of good behavior out of the way, it would be a good idea to install firewalls that he does not know how to bypass? Does he do this at work or anywhere else? I feel like the hardest part is just getting enough porn-free time under the belt to where he starts realizing life is a lot lighter and easier without the guilt and time consumption of this habit. You sound like you’re doing a great job keeping him actively engaged in treating this; just make sure he’s not doing the bare minimum to string you along into thinking he wants to change when he really is not fully dedicated to making such a change.
Also, I would think that when the two of you are intimate, it would probably be a bad idea for him to fantasize about these porn images as he needs to reinstate a connection to you and to the reality of his actual feelings, not his perception of what the feelings could do or would be like. With my situation, in the beginning I had to focus on just enjoying the sensations and calming my mind down to where I really thought about how things felt rather than think about the big picture of what was happening. It is kind of like when you start thinking about all of the chores you need to get done and it kills all of the intimacy of the situation… I think it would be better to do more foreplay where he is tickled and teased into feeling in the moment rather than thinking outside of the sensation.
What is it about porn that he likes so much? Does he like what happens to the people in it? Is it that he is doing something that socially may seem a little devious? Is it that he likes the feeling of peeking on others in a way? Maybe he likes feeling turned on by something he can’t have (the feeling of rejection or chase)? Does he like feeling the shame of doing something “wrong”? The first of these questions will start getting to the root of the problem, which will let you know how to curb the habit or channel it into a positive outlet for the two of you. You may also let him know that this is the kind of question that therapists will use as they start isolating the feelings that fuel this addiction. Therapy is really just a series of questions and possible answers to how he has developed feelings about himself and others over time while also giving him possible treatments to pursue–“get to know yourself sessions” would be a better label for therapy. There is nothing to fear about talking to someone one-on-one–they see people with far worse problems than he has and they do so with the utmost of confidentiality if they are worth their salt.
Bottom line, I think it is good to nudge him along (without nagging, but more like coaxing as you ask him how he’s feeling and why he doesn’t want to go to therapy) and help validate his feelings while also giving him other perspectives and ways to think of such things when you think he starts stagnating (so long as he continues to show you that he wants to change himself). If he has developed a new pattern and has stopped making progress, then it is probably time to seek out another treatment method.
Post # 21
I may have gotten a divorce, but it was indeed a success story – besides all the other problems, sex being the main – I have someone now who I have an awesome sex life with – and i am happy and satisfied.
In order to have a happy, healthy relationship and/or marriage, sex IS part of it. If the other person doesn’t want to change – then something needs to be done. Leaving the person, divorcing them for lack of compatability, yes, it can and should be a decision that needs to be made. If one person isn’t willing to change in that department, then the other can’t live their life living like that person also with lack of sex. Sorry. I wasn’t going to live like that the rest of my life. Or pleasuring myself in private. I finger or toy just doesn’t do it like the real thing does….But that’s my opinion and the decision I made based on other things going on in my previous marriage that resulted in divorce and what makes me happy today.
Post # 22
@rickhurst35: I do appreciate your perspective and I am glad you’re happy and it worked out. I’m just saying that for me personally, since my current goal is to work on my (year-old) marriage, the idea of divorce does not make me feel hopeful right now.
Post # 23
I think a lot of women deal with the same problem. My ex and I were married for 25 years and most of it was the definition of sexless. His problem wasn’t porn – he either hated me or more likely, just hates women. One doctor I spoke with suggested he may have been gay and couldn’t face it. My current Darling Husband can have a problem with porn at times replacing real sex and we’ve worked on that with success.
I don’t know of any success stories with this problem. There’s a pretty good website http://www.goodinbed.com that may help you find some happy endings (no pun intended).