Post # 1
So, I know I have posted on here before about the big issue going on with my Fiance and our living situation. Basically, we want to live together. In my eyes, living with my parents is not an option, and I don’t see why I would waste money on my own rent when we are trying to save for a wedding. We obviously are very committed to eachother, so I don’t see why it makes a difference whether or not we have signed paperwork. However, my parents are EXTREMELY conservative (that is an understatement) and just can’t get used to the idea of me living with my Fiance before we are married.
My mom called me the other day FREAKING out, and said she begged me to move out or move back in with them. She said they would do anything. She said that I am not the person who she thought I was, and I obviously don’t have a relationship with God and all this stuff. Now, they are holding money over my head and are saying I won’t get money for the wedding and I will get taken off of their health insurance if I don’t move out.
I think my parents are being completely irrational, but I do want their blessing on my marriage. I really don’t want to start out our marriage on the wrong foot, by being on bad terms with my parents. So we have kind of tossed around the idea of getting married at the courthouse and having our big party on the set wedding date.
I don’t even think we would tell people we were married, but at least my parents would be at peace and Jacob and I could still live together. The only problem is that I feel if we are already married, all the magic will be taken out of the big ceremony. Will he still feel the same way when he sees me walking down the aisle in a big white dress if we have already been married for 6 months?
I am sorry this has gotten so long, but I have no idea what to do and I am emotioanlly exhausted. Has anyone done this? what do you think?
Post # 3
You’re an adult–make your own decisions. I went through a similar thing when I moved in with FH in April, and I can tell you this–the only thing that will make it better is to stick to your guns.
I personally have a strong bias AGAINST having two weddings if you’re not going to tell everyone you’re already married, mostly because you’re already married–you can’t get married again. I’d wait it out and just do it all at once with a big wedding. You’re a big girl, so don’t put so much weight on what your parents think or say. I know it’s hard, but this is really one of those things you have to just tough out. GL.
Post # 4
two of my friends did this: one registered half a year before the “wedding” and the other registered 1 year beforehand.
they only told a few close friends about it because they want the wedding day to be THE day rather than the day the registered.
both grooms were just as excited that day as any other grooms out there, so i don’t think you should worry 🙂
Post # 5
I personally have no problem with people going to the JOP beforehand and having a wedding later. If you don’t want to tell people you did it, don’t. I promise that you’ll still have the feelings of the big day on that day.
There are many people who JOP it and then having wedding later due to health insurance reasons, immigration reasons, etc., and still have weddings later. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business as to why you decided to get married earlier, after all, there is a difference between getting married and having a wedding. Marriage is between 2 people. A wedding is a celebration of it.
Off my soapbox now….
Post # 6
Well, that IS what we’re doing (okay, not JOP, but us in a public park with like, 8 people and a party later–does that count?) so obviously I don’t have a problem with it.
I also don’t have a problem with two weddings–but yes, I don’t think that you should “hide” the first one. If you are religious, one way to handle it is to go to JOP as mom would like and get married “in the eyes of the state” and then do a second wedding in a religious setting so you can be married “in the eyes of God.” (which might exacerbate the problem if your mom is ultra conservative, but hey, it’s an option) I agree though–it is your life, so if this makes you really uncomfortable, have a good talk with your mom instead.
BTW–interestingly enough, we weren’t going to do a second ceremony, but have gotten requests from people to do one! So our way of handling it is to do some kind of quick ritual–share wine, light a candle, or whatever, with a toast and perhaps a short slide show of our wedding in the park in the background just to give the party more of a sense of weddingish occasion.
Post # 7
@heatherrobyn: WOW, can we be situation twins?!?!? I mean almost the same EXACT thing happend with me and my parents. I swear my mother thinks she is like the queen of the Bible and can tell me exactly if I’m going to heaven or not. But that is neither here nor there.
I feel really bad that you have had to go through all this and trust me, if you need a shoulder just PM me. But I say that you guys are old enough to make your decisions. You shouldn’t feel like she can hold the money thing over your head to make that kind of decision for you. You are old enough and obviously committed so I see no problem with it. But it is up to you–if you feel that you can swing the extra money your mom will not give you go for it. Moving into seperate places seems like a waste of money when you’ll be married soon enough!
Post # 8
We were actually married 2 years ago from the date above(2008) We are renewing our vows and having our marriage blessed. We had planned this all along and everyone that we know was cool with it. We had everything ready to go and things fell through at the last moment, it was all pretty low cost and didn’t have any vendors just friendors. So we went ahead and had our county judge marry us on a date we loved before our license expired.
We had planned the big white wedding and had everything in order. We decided during the summer that it wasn’t us so we planned something that was more us.
Do what your heart is telling you. You are an adult and can make your own decisions.
Post # 9
I know I may be one of the only people voting to move in with your parents and I really have no basis for my opinion since I currently live with my Boyfriend (not even engaged yet). But honestly if I were you and my parents hadn’t been okay with us moving in and it was only 6 months till the wedding date I would choose to respect my parents and move in with them. The independent woman in me says “do what you want” but the daughter in me says “my parents raised, loved, and provided for me for 18+ years I can give in and wait it out”.
Post # 10
My husband and I were legally married 1 year prior to having the wedding. My parents are somewhat conservative, and while they never told us we had to, I wanted to do it partly out of respect to them, and partly because we bought a house together and it just made sense to go to a Justice of the Peace and get the marriage certificate. We didn’t hide it from anyone, but only told people if it came up.
It in no way diminished the celebrations on our wedding day. In fact, we actually felt more “married” after the actual wedding ceremony and reception.
Post # 11
We will have been married a year before our wedding. We had a tragedy in my FH’s family right before our original wedding date and a large wedding would not have been a good decision at the time, so we moved it back a year. I am still considering next year our “wedding” and so is the FH. It hasn’t taken any of the luster out for us. FH is looking forward to all the pomp as much as I am, and that helps alot. I am just as excited as the first day he asked me.
As for the family situation, I say you have to follow your own path. If you want to get married now so you have insurance, great, that is basically why we did it. If you get married by the JOP it may also appease your parents, you can always tell them (whether you believe so or not) that the JOP can be in the eyes of God…Where two or more are gathered in My name, there shalt I be.
And don’t worry about how your FH will see you walking down the isle. To him, you will always be his bride, he will still see you as the most beautiful vision in your dress. My FH talks about it all the time, he can’t wait to see me at the top of the stairs for the first time as his “bride”.
(I still refer to him online as my FH and he is ok with that until after our “wedding”)
Post # 12
My concern, as others have touched on, is that a JOP wedidng wouldn’t be “enough” for your mom. It seems her concerns are primarily religious ones, and I feel that if you put off the religious ceremony for a year, she wouldn’t consider you guys married until that point–no matter what the government thinks.
Why is living with your parents not an option? When I hear that, I assume that you aren’t on good terms with your parents, but it doesn’t really sound that way from the rest of your post. If her opinion really means that much to you, you need to sit down and explain to her what you posted here about why you want to live with Fiance now and how you’d like her support, and maybe the two of you can come to some sort of compromise. But if this is a less friendly relationship, maybe you don’t care what she thinks and you should just do what makes you and your Fiance happy.
Either way, no one is going to get 100% of what they want, so you just have to figure out what you would be less happy with–not living with your Fiance or pissing off your mom.
Post # 13
I had the same problem initially when I moved in with my then-BF (now FI). I had to really “grow up” and stand by my decisions, and eventually, my parents decided that my happiness (yes, even “in sin”) was more important that causing a giant rift between us.
Post # 14
@heatherrobyn and @sweetrose2011 we are in the same boat. I have been really worried about this one as well. My situation is that we both want to do pre-martial counseling and no one here will marry us or pre-martial counseling before the wedding because we live together. We went and talked with one of the ministers that does pre-marital and he told us that we could get married next month or whenever then do pre-marital counseling then have our wedding in April.
Any advice or suggestions would be amazing.
Post # 15
My Fiance and I had a civil ceremony just a little less than our “real” Christian wedding will take place. And we are absolutely delighted with our decision, as is EVERYONE we have told our decision about!
My Fiance was going to buy his first home, and we didn’t want me to have to waste over $2k between then and our “real” wedding this October having to keep a second household. We decided, since neither of us truly felt comfortable with simply living together in his house, that we wanted to be “old fashioned” and move into our first home as man and wife. So we did it. We had our civil ceremony and closed on the house and couldn’t be happier!
And we’re still super excited about our wedding with the ceremony this October. So are all the guests we’ve invited to share and celebrate the day with us! He is just as anticipatory about me walking down the aisle in my beautiful wedding gown as he would have been had we not had our civil ceremony . . . and I’m just as excited myself. This is all what WE wanted as a couple, too. My parents weren’t approving of us or our relationship basically from the first month we started dating. They are quite religious, as am I, though I think in some respects I’m not as conservative, we’re very, very similar. But this just satisfied all of their “requirements” (though they don’t know yet, as far as I know, that we even HAD our civil ceremony, they will be finding out come our wedding day in Oct!!!) as well as following our own hearts and values.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong, in having two “weddings.” Happens a lot, we found out! Go for it, and follow your heart and what you know is right and it will all be ok! Congrats! 🙂