Post # 1
I have an old high school friend who has always been a great friend to me, I’m keeping this vague on purpose in case people know who I am. This friend recently confided in me that they were cheating on their spouse and considering divorce. I was shocked. I now feel weird that I was kind of supportive to this person after telling me that they were cheating. I understand the reasons why this person is unhappy, and I think they’re legitimate reasons (but not appalling dealbreakers like abuse) because I would not be happy with the type of spouse they have, but at the same time these issues existed when this person married their spouse and I purposely chose to marry someone different from this friend’s spouse because I knew what I wanted. I still don’t think cheating is right, at all.
I don’t know, I guess I just feel like I should have been more severe, but at the same time I want to be there for my friend who I genuinely think is unhappy and in a difficult life position of potentially getting divorced. I know this is totally not about me, and I’m not at all considering telling the spouse or getting more involved or anything, but I guess I just believe so strongly in my own marriage that I feel weird just chatting about cheating with a friend. Has anyone else had a close friend tell them they were cheating? How did you handle it?
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club
mrshomemaker : my friend (friends since 9th grade) has done this numerous time with his girlfriends and even got with a girl who was dating a mutual friend. I spoke to him about his actions, even encouraged breaking it off with girlfriends if he was unhappy but he honestly does not care. I cut ties with them (for many other reasons too).
Post # 3
mrshomemaker : I haven’t been in this situation but I think you probably did the right thing.
At the end of the day, it’s not your job to judge or act as her conscience, and I don’t personally see how it would benefit either of you to have given her a hard time. I completely understand your feelings about her choices and hold the same personal views, but I think my compassion for a friend having a difficult time would surpass that too – especially given that it sounds like a one-off sort of situation, as opposed to a pattern of behaviour that might suggest a poor character overall (man that sounds judgy but I can’t find better words right now!).
I think you were a great friend to talk things through with her and give her a safe place to figure things out, and that isn’t the same as condoning her actions. Don’t spend too much time second guessing things.
Post # 4
Had a friend who was the mistress of a married guy. She would some days feel bad and others excited about the affair. Eventually I got tired of her confiding in me (first time I tried to be comprehensive but also told her I disagree with what she was doing). Had to end the relationship because of too much drama.
Also, I didn’t like keeping it a secret from Darling Husband and eventually started to feel that her behavior/life choice was too different from my own values and beliefs. I had become her “affair-keeper” and I felt I was an accomplice to all of it.
Post # 5
My former best friend (we aren’t nearly as close anymore) carried on an emotional affair with another man for well over a year. She is married and my Fiance & I used to socialize with her and her husband. She was obsessive about the other guy and could not give up the affair even though he was a giant loser (think living in mommy’s basement with no job playing video games all day). While I sympathized with her issues with her husband, he did not deserve what she did.
Being her confidant was extremely uncomfortable for me and made me look at her differently. I lost respect for her and felt what she was doing was wrong. What I had to remind myself was that I’m not in her shoes, and my role as a friend is to love and support her even when she makes what I feel are poor choices. Ultimately, her marriage is none of my business and it is not my place to judge her.
Post # 6
Well, in my case, the woman I knew had several children and, for what I knew of her husband, he was an okay guy. I watched her flirt with most of the men at work and she’d tell me she was going on dates. I simply stayed out of it and told her I didn’t want to know. Not my business.
However, at the same time, I was very attached to the kids and I was pretty hurt at her actions.
Our friendship grew apart for several reasons. Last I heard, she left the father of her kids and hooked up with one of the coworker’s. The coworker got fired because management can’t date within departments. Then they went separate ways.
Post # 7
My best friend did this with her ex-boyfriend who was abusive though. Ended up staying with him much longer than she should have anyway…
In retrospect, I wish I’d told her to end it sooner. Her actions were pretty shitty.
I was with my ex-BF for five years and the last year of that we were basically roommates. He met other girls and would lie about stuff, but I never did, not once. Just don’t think cheating is right under any circumstance.
Post # 8
My mom told our entire family she had a “boyfriend” during Christmas. Obviously, it was tragic, dad cried for days. She would be getting ready for a date, and me and my sister would be just sitting there, silently judging her, and she would snap at us saying we are ruining her life…
By Easter it was over, because too many people knew and our family (especially my grandmother) took it to the next level to get rid of the guy. I think the “boyfriend” was convincing my mom to get divorced so that he could move in with her into our house, because he was only renting an apartment… I never saw him. When it became clear it won’t happen, he broke it off lol.
Even though my parents are not getting divorced now, the relationship is a pile of crap. I will never forgive my mom for this, but I also have to suck it up and still respect her/talk to her/be a daughter. She acted like a brat, though, and I will never look at her the same.
Post # 9
Miss_Mae : thank you so much for your response. i honestly think the whole thing made ME feel guilty even though i had nothing to do with it and told dh all about it when i got home. i did try to ask my friend important questions to try to help them sort through things, i guess it just blindsided me, anway thanks, i feel a lot better!
newlywednewbie : yeah i wonder if this is going to happen. my friend seemed almost amped up about it and when i asked if they felt bad they said no, not at all, which really floored me. maybe it’s just the first stage.
thanks for all the responses bees! i think i need to just let it go and maybe be a little careful about not becoming the keeper of all the secrets.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
A work friend of mine admitted he had cheated on his Girlfriend before and was ‘talking’ to another girl now (so he likely would be cheating again in the future). I kept my mouth shut because I was worried that if I ratted him out to his Girlfriend he would retaliate (yeah….the more I got to know this guy, the more I regretted being his friend but I didn’t know how to end it).
The SECOND he stopped working at my place I stopped talking to him. I still feel guilty I didn’t tell his Girlfriend (as a woman, I’d want to now if my Darling Husband was cheating on me), but I had never met her, so I didn’t really know how to go about it aside from finding her on facebook and writing her a message. With no proof (just his word) I don’t know how that would have worked out.
Post # 11
My Future Mother-In-Law was cheating (or trying and failing) to cheat on her husband and I had to cut them otu temporarily because of it. I just go tso sick to my stomach being around them. Everyone knew as her daughter (my FSIL/MOH) told us all and the attempts kept going on, but her husband just kind of… let it roll off his shoulders.
I still have a hard time being around them. I just find how everyone chose to handle the situation so… pathetic. I don’t respect non confrontation or living in ignorance or weakness so I just so I DON’T say anything. My FSIL/MOH Boyfriend or Best Friend actually BLEW up at them because he got tired of all the BS. Needles to say he left her because of the family drama.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2017 - The Meadows
I have a coworker who, after a few months, admitted that she had a boyfriend while married. She can’t divorce because he’ll take half her money, and he controls finances. So she continues to cheat. She’ll flirt with customers, ask us for guys to hook her up with. Since it’s so normal for her, we almost treated her as if she didn’t have a husband. But I try to constantly remind myself that while I understand that she doesn’t want to be in the marriage and would leave if she could, she’s still cheating. It’s an awkward situation so I really try to just not talk about relationships with her.
Post # 13
Well, I will just the fawk out of someone who is sleeping with someone who is married. Because I am your friend does NOT mean I have to support your bullshit. I will tell you that you are dead wrong, that I am judging you, and dont come to me with the sordid details that you are currently excited about. Now, if you are doing the fuckery, and you’re torn about how to end things and struggling with a mental issue (depression, low self esteem) etc., I will try to encourage you to get help in those areas but I am not about to listen on and on again about how this married guy is bending you over on the daily. Sorry not sorry.
Post # 14
‘I will judge the fawk out of someone…’
Post # 15
No close friend ever has admitted it, though I’ve called a friend or two on emotional cheating before.
I’ve had some aquaintances who I knew were cheating.
I try to be detached about it, as I don’t want to ruin the friendship.. but I do try to tell them that (A) they should just leave their partner if they’re so unhappy and (B) yes, their partner has turned into a jealous a**hole or crazy b****, but is that really THEIR fault*?
*Yes, sometimes you have a crazy/jealous SO that drives you away from them, but in these cases 90% of the time I knew the partner before the cheating started, knew when the cheating started, and knew when the behavior started (after the cheating had been going on for a while)… and the cause and effect is pretty clear.