Post # 1
My SIL, whom I adore, got married last year. I thought her wedding was gorgeous, wonderful, and perfect…for HER. The thing is that she and I are very similar in some ways and very different in others. She is a ‘sporty’ girl, doesn’t really care about ‘girly’ stuff like clothes and purses, didn’t really even want a wedding but did it to make her family and my family happy, etc. I, on the other hand, am the one who volunteers to plan my friend’s birthday parties because I love decorating and setting up events! Yes, I was that kid dreaming of her wedding at six years old.
My parents and I are splitting the cost of my wedding. The trouble I’m running into is that they assume that I should have the exact same wedding as my SIL (literally – they want the same venue, vendors, everything, since they have dealt with them before.) My SIL really simplified things – managed to find a dress for under $200, did not have centerpieces, had only a couple of people in the bridal party, etc. So anytime I bring these same things up, I get something along the lines of "Well X didn’t have those things. If it was good enough for her why isn’t it good enough for you?"
Now, it’s not really an ‘issue’ because I pretty much remind my family that I am paying for my half to cover those extras like the florist, and that is that. Just wondering, though, if anyone can commiserate? Anyone feel like they are expected to have their sibling’s wedding?
Post # 3
You are not alone in this boat!!
Fiance and I live in a small town so our choices are limited. Future Sister-In-Law got married 5 years ago (we didn’t know each other then, so I obviously didn’t attend). We will have the same church, reception site, florist, and rental company by default. She’s the girly, pink-lovin’, big flowers, big hair type. Nothing wrong with that, and I love her dearly, we’re very close! I, on the other hand, am an academic, naturalist, minimal-makeup, no-pink-thankyouverymuch type.
Every time there is a wedding conversation with FI’s side, its starts out "Well at her wedding we did XYZ." Some suggestions are good. Most are not my style, like arches with tulle & fake flowers everywhere (ugh, I wouldn’t even show up!), or like spending a whole afternoon folding napkins to look like tuxedos. If that’s your style, go for it! That doesn’t happen to be my style.
I was planning on having Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law help out quite a bit with planning, but lately I’ve just been doing things by myself, with another Bridesmaid or Best Man, or with Fiance. That way when they say "Well she had flowers that looked like XYZ," I can say, well I already booked mine, here’s what they’ll look like!
My advice is don’t get too bent out of shape about it. I did for the first two months, and i almost went crazy! Plan things with your Fiance, or people who know & respect your taste & desires, and fill the rest of the family in on it later!
Post # 4
Even though my sister and I are both currently planning our weddings (Dec and June), my Mom is thankfully being very cool about letting us have our own style. She’s not trying to make us do the same things, but she does make suggestions about decisions we’re making (band vs. DJ) which I actually appreciate.
I would say the best advice is to plan ‘behind the scenes’ with your Fiance and tell everyone what the final verdict is. Explain why you came to that decision if need be, but be firm that it’s over with. For the most part, that’s what I’ve been doing unless I really do need feedback.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Worse: my mom just got married and wants me to use all of her vendors! And since she’s helping pay for the wedding (just a little, but still helping), it’s REALLY HARD to say no.
Post # 6
I was having this problem with relatives, my grandmother even went so far as to say that I should ask to borrow my cousin’s dress (she recently got married) because it was so pretty. I have learned to just smile and say ‘we’ll see’ and pretty much plan everything myself. I don’t know why some people feel like all weddings should duplicate one another, but look at it this way; at least they’re excited about the wedding and are trying to be helpful, regardless of how ‘unwanted’ the ‘help’ might be.
Post # 7
Only ghost of Weddings past I have to out do is MY FIRST MARRIAGE/WEDDING to my xh.
I may have married the wrong guy that day, but damn did I do some stuff RIIIIGHT! Now when i look back at it, i realize I threw one helluva shindig! Now I gotta do that all over again…but different.
How do you perfect what was perfection? (although styles will be a tad updated since 96).
Post # 8
My sister got married last summer. It was very pretty and everything went so well together, but there are things with that wedding that won’t work with mine. Our location will not look right with plastic table cloths for one. WE don’t want a DJ but family is saying, "But your sister’s DJ was so great!" Um, yeah, not really. It’s getting better. I am using the same officiate and most likely the photographer though….officiate I know very well and introduced my Sis to him as an option for their ceremony and the photographer is a great price for this area and does good work. Other than that, everything else will be different!
GOOD LUCK and STICK TO YOUR GUNS! With a smile of course 😉
Post # 9
totally know where you’re coming from. My parents are paying for most of the wedding as they did for my sister 9 years ago. For reasons I don’t really understand, my dad still feels like things should cost what they did 9 years ago…So while I’ve often been able to negotiate good deals, he’s still like, that’s more than we paid for you sister’s <whatever>. In some cases we’ve offered to pick up the difference, which he generally refuses, but it has been frustrating at times. there have been many times when I wished we decided to have the wedding we paid for entirely close to where we live…but I think in the end my parents will feel like they’ve gotten this right of passage for them. And I know that it’s also helped bring us closer…
I bet your family doesn’t even realize they’re doing this. They are probably just using that wedding as a point of reference (asusming there haven’t been many other family weddings). Sounds like reminding them that you are paying is helping a lot. good luck!
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
Yes, all the time by the mister’s mother relative to his brother’s wedding…which JUST happened on June 20. It definitely makes things frustrating, because their wedding was the polar opposite of ours — in terms of formality, spending priorities, etc. Lots of hurt feelings have ensued along the way, unfortunately.