Post # 1
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
I know this is probably petty, but I was just wondering if anyone was “forced” to have a particular bridesmaid. My mom made me ask my brother’s wife since I was in their wedding. Lately, I’m just sad about it. We just don’t “click” and I’m sad that she took a spot I was going to give to a good friend. She hasn’t offered to help with anything with the wedding, never gives any input (I asked for her opinion on dresses 6 times and then she complained about the one the other BMs and I picked), hasn’t made any moves towards getting/trying on the dress (we all agreed to have them ordered by Christmas), and never even asks how things are going. She never answers my text messages, even if they’re just asking how she’s doing and have nothing to do with the wedding. We’re not close and I’m sad that I was pushed into asking her. Anyone else dealing with the same thing? Just could use a little emotional support.
Post # 3
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
@whitwhit: I’m sorry … is there a way to un-ask her.. she doesn’t sound like she wants to be in it :/
Post # 4
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
I feel ya! I was pushed to have my older sister as Maid/Matron of Honor. She was always going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but I wanted my little sister as my Maid/Matron of Honor. We are only a year and half apart and shes my best friend while my older sister and I have never really even liked eachother. And she hasn’t helped with anything. At all. She just cries about me getting married first and my lack of style.
I just ignore it. I get mad when I think about it too, but then I think “it’s one day” and at the end of that day, it won’t matter who was in your wedding or who wasn’t. You’ll be married to the love of your life and that’s really what it’s all about! So while I do understand 100% where you are coming from, don’t let it consume you! All will work out! 🙂
Post # 5
Member
7586 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Let me just say that her and I are much closer now and I really enjoy her…
My husband’s sister, was a terrible decision. We weren’t really close, she told everyone that she didn’t think our marriage was going to make it, and was the least helpful person ever. My poor Maid/Matron of Honor did everything by herself. It was terrible. At one point I actually kicked her out, and then she cried, lied, and manipulated, and Darling Husband begged me to let her back in. She made life miserable.
Post # 6
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
I was “obligated” to have my younger sister as my Maid of Honor. She was a useless tit. She moped around the entire time because it wasn’t HER wedding and refused to help anyone! She even asked ME to do HER makeup and put on her fake eyelashes because “I do it so much better than her”.
My sister-in-law totally stepped up to the plate and was such a huge help, I love her to bits!
It is YOUR wedding. Don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise!!!!!
Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
I’m trying not to let it consume me, but it still bothers me that when I look at the pictures of my nearest and dearest in the future, she will be there instead of the girl I wanted to ask. It would be one thing if I wasn’t close with her but she was trying, but she’s not even making an effort or responding to mine. I don’t think I can un-ask her, but I am *secretly* hoping she decides to back out on her own :-/
Post # 8
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
@whitwhit: Why can’t your friend be in the wedding too? I would help her get out of it. I would tell her that she doesn’t seem into it and if she doesn’t want to be in the wedding I totally understand and wouldn’t hold it against her. Then I would hope and pray that she backs out
Post # 9
Member
10713 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Me! I do… my sisters. I’m not a fan of my siblings… one is a big ‘b’ word and I took her to the beach for 5 days over the summer for her 21st birthday and to ask her to be my maid of honor… she was rude to me the entire time, never offered to pay for anything at all and didn’t say thank you once (I could have saved around $1000 if she weren’t there). Her boyfriend is not invited any longer after screaming at me on Thanksgiving (during dinner) and this was the 1st time I met him or he met ANYONE in my family. Maybe she’ll drop out now that he’s not allowed in? lol My other sister is just 16 and she’s only in it because my other siblings are but she’s okay it just bugs me I have to pay for everything (my mother is anti weddings) and she doesn’t care much about being there anyway. Oh well.
Post # 10
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
Me too….but I can’t say anything. And everyone knows so it’s like she is the black sheep of the bridal party. Sigh…..
Post # 11
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
but it still bothers me that when I look at the pictures of my nearest and dearest in the future, she will be there instead of the girl I wanted to ask.
I know we all want to make sure that our family members (primarily our parents) are happy, and it’s hard to refuse when someone makes you do something, but can you tell your mom what you wrote above? I feel like it’s really heartfelt, it’s fair, and it’s non-petty. I ended up not asking one of my oldest friends to be in the wedding exactly for that reason – we are no longer close, and I feel like the premise of having bridesmaids is exactly what you said – to have your nearest and dearest. If you do really really HAVE to have her, I suppose the best you can do is to focus on what else about the day and the process makes you happy, and just see her being there as a necessary formality.
Post # 12
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
My mom tried to do the same thing with me .. I was in my brother and sister in laws wedding in ’08 .. so my mom got really upset with me when I told her I wasn’t having my SIL in my wedding party. Once I sat down and explained to her that we aren’t close, she only had me in their wedding because my brother wanted her to and that it would just be awkward because she is such a shy person that she wouldn’t come to any planning parties or anything, she finally got over it. My Fiance and I offered to have her hair and make up done at the salon the day of when everyone else is there getting ready {she’ll be there with my niece who is our flower girl} that way she is included and not just sitting around. It’s not that I dislike my SIL.. it’s just we are total opposites and not really friends. To me, you have your friends in your wedding, the people who have been there for you thru thick and thin and who you’ve always pictured being there for you. Maybe if you sit down and talk to your mom, she’ll understand, and you can have your SIL do a reading instead of being a bridesmaid? If not, maybe have the friend you want as a bridesmaid do a reading and pick out a special dress for her too? and then you can have pictures with her as well, not just from the reception 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 13
Member
6291 posts
Bee Keeper
I’m not easily influenced or coerced, so my 4 BMs are my 4 best friends; my Future Mother-In-Law suggested having my OHs cousins, and I refused (a) 7 BMs at a wedding with only 50 guests would be utterly ridiculous, 4 is bad enough and b) I only wanted people I’m super-close to; I didn’t want the stress of dress-shopping with youngsters, etc)
Obviously it’s a bit late for that now, so I would probably go down the route of asking her if she would still like to be in the wedding; say you’ve noticed she hasn’t taken much interest in the wedding, etc, and you were wondering if she would prefer to be a guest? From her point of view, perhaps she doesn’t want to be BM; in all honesty, if my OHs brother’s fiance asked me to be Bridesmaid or Best Man I would feel quite uncomfortable; I don’t know her very well, and would rather attend with my OH, as a regular guest, than have to be with the bride and her friends all day. This could well be why she’s being awkward.
If that doesn’t work, can you not have your friend anyway?
Post # 14
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
Thank you all for your responses. It is great I’ve been getting support from you guys. As far as asking my friend anyway, it was really a lot of factors going into it and Fiance and I unfortunately ultimately decided against it. I talked to my mom and she said she’s noticed how SIL has been acting and how she’s not interested at all, and she’s sorry she forced it on me. That makes me feel a little better, but still. I don’t think there’s a way to un-ask her, just see if she still wants to be in it. I’m going to mention bridesmaid dress shopping next time I see her and see if she has anything to say about it, and mention then that if she’s financially unable, too busy, etc I would understand if she dropped out.
@siimplycraziie: Maybe I should! She sings and does theater and such, so maybe she could sing at the ceremony. That would be nice 🙂
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