(Closed) Anyone have a friend who constantly “one-up”s you?

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ugh… rude! Definitely don’t let her derail your plans and stop you from getting your dream ring. If anyone knows the two of you, they won’t even have to ask to know that you obviously weren’t the one who copied the other’s idea when you end up with a cushion cut ring too.

But, try your best to be sympathetic toward her (since she is a friend and someone you care about, not just an obnoxious coworker or something, for example). There must be some logical reason why she ended up with these selfish thinking patterns and compulsive desire to outdo another female… is she the last born child, for one? Does she have sisters (if so, what are they like)? What was family life like for her growing up? Try to reason through why she feels so compelled to act this way, and it might help you deal with her in a more constructive way.

Post # 4
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Eh… that is definitely annoying but she’s just insecure. I would just try to ignore it as best you can. Like when she tells you about the house thing “wow that is so GREAT!! you didn’t mention that you guys were looking when i told you we were looking there so its an awesome surprise that we might be NEIGHBORS!” ya know? 

Post # 5
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I haven’t dealt with this with my ring since I’m not engaged (yet),I’m sure I will though. I had this problem with house hunting. She heard our other friend and I were looking at houses and each had put in an offer. She even went as far to say “Now I know why y’all are getting houses, the tax credit!” Uh….a tax credit is not a reason to go get a house.LOL If you were already looking, bonus, if not, that wouldn’t be too smart.

So now, her and her husband are looking for a house and want the tax credit. I guess she feels she has to run out and get one because us two single ladies are getting one and it’s not fair! Oh,no. (single as in not married) I truthfully never knew she was like this.

I just ignore her. It bothers me sometimes, then I think about her situation and I think about my situation in relation to hers and how I am in a way better situation.

Don’t let her get to you with all of her silliness. At least, try your best, hard as it may be.

Post # 6
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I hear you! I also have a friend who got married 2 years ago, and when I got engaged recently, she had the nerve to ASK me about the quality of my diamond! So rude – who does that? (that’s as if someone were to ask you how much money you make!) My diamond is a very clear stone, but I think that she was jealous because my diamond was larger than hers. 

I really think that it’s because your friend is insecure about herself – friendship is not a competition. It’s a support network – so don’t worry. You are right to feel offended.

Post # 7
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I had a friend like her.  She was a toxic friend and we are no longer frineds.  Google “toxic friend.” You will actually laugh when you read about it and see that it completely describes your “friend.”

Just remember, a friend is someone to boost you up with you feel down and celebrate the joyous occasions in your life, not put you down, compete with you, or one-up you.

Post # 8
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

It is a low self-esteem thing. She is simply one of those people that will never be satisfied with what they have – they spend all their time & energy comparing themselves with others.  So, I would stick to your original plan – no thunder will be stolen.  The e-ring is from your Fiance to you – it has nothing to do with her! 🙂

Also, don’t share too much of your wedding plans with her.  The same thing will happen again with the ring – with the dress, with the flowers, etc… And I dont think you should let her be more stress to your planning.

And lastly, I agree with Ms.Louby above – she is toxic 😉

Post # 9
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

It’s easy to start planting disinformation and sending her on wild goose chases to copy your latest ideas.  A few possibilities:

  • Tell her you want to buy a house on stilts in the middle of a lake, that you get to using a paddle boat that looks like a giant swan.
  • Or that you’re considering getting a 5 carat ring for your right hand.
  • Or that you’re gonna go commando under your wedding dress.

It’s almost too easy!

Post # 10
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I can see why you would be mad because I would probably be mad, too.  

But is it possible that she might be jealous or that she looks up to you or that she might have self esteem issues or maybe she likes you that much that she wants to be like you.  She is coming of a bit strong but maybe she doesn’t realize it.

Since you are such great friends with her, did you try suggesting other things?  Like tell her that you would really like a house in newport beach but would absolutely love if you could live in [insert a more expensive ritzy-er place than newport].  Maybe try to get her to make her own different decisions but without being exactly like you.  Show her that there are other ideas.

Just something to think about.  For me, I think if this was someone who I didn’t like, then it would rub me the wrong way but it sounds to me like you guys are really good friends so I don’t think it’s something she is doing on purpose.

Post # 11
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with the Bees – she’s insecure and needs to be ignored. Don’t fuel her with reacting, it’s hard to not be annoyed but think of it this way: if you allow her to get to you, she’s getting her way! Maybe she’s not maliciously doing those things on purpose, but she sure isn’t expressing her joy and support for you.

I had a friend do this to me recently – it was similar to Ms.MamaBear’s story, about house hunting. But instead of her going out to buy a house as well, she kept talking about a house she had bought in the past (how huge it was and nice it was) that ended up getting repossessed. This wasn’t recent, this was many years ago, she’s moved twice since. She also kept saying how she’s glad I took her advice and got the house “she” liked. I made the mistake of asking her opinion the day before we signed the paperwork because another house went on the market. It’s so annoying. But she’s always been this way – she has to be the center of attention.

Just ignore it, and think of it as a lesson learned. Next time go to another friend to share your engagement news – someone that can share in your joy, not compete with it or make you feel bad!

 

Post # 12
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

LOL @ Mr. Bee!! You could definitely make a fool out of her if you think she deserves it! Really it would be more like a reality check for her — that you’re onto her game and that it’s making her look ridiculous. You could actually pull something like that, watch as she tries to copy you, and then speak frankly with her about it, explaining that you only told her that to try to prove how she’s going out of her way to copy your every move and that it’s just plain unnecessary. I would seriously consider this plan if I were you!

Post # 13
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with Mrs. Louboutin, this is not a healthy friendship. It’s rather unsettling to see someone who’s supposed to be so close to you also be so competitive with you. It’s downright creepy to see how hard she tries to copy or one up you.

At some point you’ll come at odds and will be sick and tired of these kinds of antics. Nothing about this friend will change any time soon. If you feel like you still want to continue to be her friend,  you will just have to brush everything aside and be careful of what you reveal to her.

Post # 14
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

i agree with other girls, be careful what you share with her…gah next she’ll have a second renewing of the vows ceremony a day before yours…

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Unfortunately you have to stop sharing things with her until after they happen. I know it’s kidn of sad b/c even though she’s annoying, she’s your friend and you want to be excited with her for things that are about to happen.

And absolutely go out and get your dream ring! I hate it when people refuse to do things just because someone else did it first. I have a friend who refuses to order the same meal as anyone else at a restaurant, no matter how badly she wanted it so now our rule is for her to order first and she’s not allowed to change it. I love paparadelle too and there’s only 1 on the menu!

Sorry, but seriously stop sharing things. Or set a trap for her first by asking her if she’s househunting at all, THEN dropping the news that you made an offer. So it’s a lot harder for her to backtrack and say “Oh well, I did the same thing I was already doing it and bigger and better than you were!”

Post # 16
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I had a one-upper friend in high school. If I was sad about something, she was sadder about something more important. If I had exciting news, she had more exciting news. My mother nearly punched her in the face when she was talking about my sister’s car accident (which came only inches from killing my sister), and my friend responded, “Well, when I had MY accident…” (which was caused by her making an illegal U-turn on a highway and pulling out in front of someone, whereas my sister’s was not her fault and the person at fault fled and was never caught).

Yeah. That friendship didn’t last beyond the first year of college (different schools, and whenever we talked, she was – of course – doing better, taking more/harder classes, making more friends, dating a better guy, etc. than me), and honestly I’ve never really missed her. I was actually kind of relieved when she had her little meltdown and called me a bad friend (*scoff*), accused me of “trying to prove something” (she never did provide any explanation on that one), etc.

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