Post # 1
Writing under an alternate name, because I know a few bees in person and am not quite ready to air my dirty laundry in public.
Does anyone have an SO who is happy to stay home all the time, even home alone while you do your thing, and how do you deal with it? Or an SO that doesn’t have many or any of their own friends?
My SO and I met in college and at the time we both had our own group of friends. I have a hobby that keeps me from home quite a bit as well in the evenings, and have many friends through that hobby. Since graduating a few years ago he seems to have distanced himself from most of his friends. I know his job is stressful and he works long days but its gotten to the point where I dont go out with my friends for dinner or drinks or a night out because I feel guilty that he is home alone. I know he doesn’t care, he is happy to be home alone, but I do. I hate feeling guilty the entire time I am out with friends, the odd time I do go out. We dont have a ton of ‘couple’ friends in the area so that makes it more difficult and most of my close friends from work or hobbies are female so even a dinner is usually a ‘girls night out’.
It is really starting to impact our relationship from my end and I dont know how to broach the subject without seeming rude that I find it odd that he has very few friends (when he does do something, like golf, its with my dad and brother). But I cant seem to just let it go either in a “if he’s happy then im happy” way.
Post # 3
It’s werid because when we’re apart (like we are now) he’s always out. But when we’re together he feels he should pay me more attention so rarely goes out. It feels a bit wierd I guess but I wouldn’t worry about it. (I don’t think that helps, sorry)
Post # 4
My SO is anti-social, but prefers to be with me. However, I wish he would let me do my own thing from time to time because he usually tags along and complains, which makes me not want to do anything 🙁
Post # 5
It seems that you are frustrated that he isn’t more social, but why? Does he really seem happy to be home all the time or do you think there is something else going on? Some people just aren’t that social and really value their alone time, especially when they live with someone. Believe me, I love when my H goes out without me sometimes because I have the whole house to myself — that is just my personality, I love being alone (but I also love social time, too).
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
@borntorun: I guess that makes him unsociable, not antisocial. Which is a relief lol, cos i got worried before i read your post. My Fiance is a lot like that. He’s happy having just me as his best friend, and sometimes I feel bad when I go out with my friends, even though he never has any objections. He just loves spending time on his own, playing games, reading and writing.
Personally I don’t find anything wrong with that. Everyone we know, knows he’s the quiet type and our friends and family all love him to bits and accept him as the quiet type.
Basically, I’m just happy he’s happy.
Post # 7
Lol no actually I am the antisocial one in our marriage. Do u think it’s possible that he is depressed? I suffer from seasonal depression and I am finally coming around now that its getting warm. I don’t really like going out and mainly count down the time until I can get back home whenever I’m gone. I have no problem with DH going out doing stuff but I have no desire to go myself. My SO tries to get me to do more things but I just don’t want to most of the time. Have you tried talking to him to see why he may not like going out doing things?
Post # 8
I’m the anti-social one in our relationship. I’m much happier staying at home – with my SO or by myself – than going out with a lot of people, staying out late, etc.
If he’s like me and is genuinely content not to go out, you shouldn’t feel guilty. What makes you feel guilty about it? (I’m genuinely curious). I know in my relationship, when we were living in the same city, we compromised in order to suit both of us. If I really was not up to going out, I quite happily sent my SO on his way to go to parties and I had nice quiet evenings to read. On other occasions, we went out and stayed out as late as he wanted and did what he liked, and on other occasions we’d go out, but come home around midnight to suit my needs. I just don’t much enjoy those kinds of outings, but I don’t want to rain on his parade either, and I recognise that sometimes he really wants me to go with him. Can you try and invite him out to things, maybe where your girl friends bring their partners so it’s not like he’s just tagging along to girls night?
Post # 9
The way you describe your husband describes me perfectly. In our relationship, I am the anti-social one. I’ve always been this way, though I come off as very personable and outgoing. I always prefer being home to being out, no matter what day of the week or what the activity (except camping or hiking, activities which I prefer to do solo, ha!). Thank goodness my husband has gotten over the point where he would try to coerce me into going out with him every time he wants to. I am honestly 100% perfectly satisfied and happy to be home alone. I do not feel one single iota of resentment that my husband goes to his friend’s house most nights and I stay home. In fact, I prefer it and I would probably tell him to go out with his friends if he stayed home too many nights in a row.
If that sounds anything like your husband, then I suggest you let it go and get over it. Why are you feeling guilty because your husband is doing what makes him happy? Why would his happiness make you feel guilty?
Post # 10
Yes! It used to bug me…I had never experienced it before. After 5 years though, I’ve learned that he is perfectly happy with it.
Even his closer friends, he’s not really “close” to. He talks to one friend on the phone every other day but if he goes out and does stuff, it’s only really with his Dad. I’ve become close with all of FI’s friends wives and it’s usually me that initiates group plans (even though I’ve known them a fraction of the time he’s known his friends.) He is very polite and caring toward my friends and their SO’s but he just doesn’t like “going out” or socializing for long periods of time. He’s much more of a one-on-one kind of guy. Even at his own family gatherings he looks awkward. He enjoys being there but would rather chill in one of the smaller rooms with just his dad or one brother then being in a big room with everyone.
He LOVES being home with me. I used to feel guilty about hanging out with my girls but usually when I know something is coming up, I’ll let him know far enough in advance so he can go hang out with his Dad or text one of his guy friends to give him a call.
As weird as it may seem for him to be happy being home, if he is happy, believe him! You aren’t alone 🙂
Post # 11
In my relationship, I’m the one who likes to be alone. I like to go out and do things, but I am also happy being at home, hanging out by myself and I really value some alone time every day. As long as you know he’s happy and not depressed, just let it go. Especially when my job is really stressful, I like to hang out by myself and collect my thoughts.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
oh my god. I am such a grammar nazi this thread is killing me. please bear with me bees, but i won’t stop twitching until i say this. LOL!
anti-social means hating society. like serial killers and sadists.
unsociable means having an avoidant personality, or prefering to spend time alone.
I’m so sorry….I think i need help. heehee.
Post # 13
I definitely didn’t mean to imply that his happiness makes me feel guilty, or anything along those lines.
I guess I just find it odd, or maybe even healthy, to have no frienda? He has a few acquantainces, but it worries me that I am the only person he leans on, whereas I go to my girls freqently for advice/support even though SO is my best friend too. But the only people he text’s with are my dad, brother, unlcle and his brother (whom he is not particularly close with) and the only people he hangs out with are my dad and brother. This worries me more than needing along time, which we ALL need. So perhaps the guilt stems not from that he’s home alone because he chooses to be, but more that he’s home alone because he has no one else to hang out with? Or maybe that’s just my perception of it.
Post # 14
I am really the unsocial one… other then my coworkers I have no close friends that I spend any time with, and I don’t see my coworkers outside of work. I am friends with my SO’s friends but do not talk to them or hang out with them on my own. I don’t know why, but thats just how I have always been, I had many friends through highschool but they all disappeared after school was out. I do have my own hobby though, I am an avid horse rider so I do spend a majority of my free time at the barn, but it is a quiet barn so most of the time I am alone when I am there. I am also an only child so I think thats were my love of “quiet time” comes from. I honestly am happier spending time with my horses and other pets then I ever am with friends. Do I have days where I complain about having no friends? Yes… but then the thought of hanging out with tons of people all the time also just turns my stomach, it just isn’t me.
Honestly everyone is different, some people need to be a social butterfly to be happy, others are more then happy to be alone.
Post # 15
“He’s happy having just me as his best friend, and sometimes I feel bad when I go out with my friends, even though he never has any objections. He just loves spending time on his own, playing games, reading and writing.”
Wow, I feel like I wrote this!!!
Post # 16
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
I believe men in general prefer to spend time alone. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone….but I remember reading something about men needing to be “in their cave” in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus…..and I thought it matched my fiance to a tee.