Anyone here a stepmom or soon to be without children of their own?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

Bets711 :  Sounds like you have a great approach and perspective. My biological child is 16.5 and he still craves that parental connection and reassurance. So even though she is nearly an adult, those girls day/girls lunches could be something she really enjoys and appreciates. I would approach it slowly and see if she is open to it. 

Post # 17
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Bets711 :  I would like to think so but I know we (my 2 sisters and I) out my poor step father through hell in our teenage years and he had a son who was ~10 years older. I guess in his case he had never had a daughter before so that was a little different but I’d say I have it better than he did with the 3 of us 😂 I do think my husbands kids being older and more mature is great, I wouldn’t do well with younger children and it would have been a really tough decision for me to persue a relationship with someone with younger kids because I have never wanted kids of my own and that includes raising someone else’s. I enjoyed helping my step daughter get ready for prom and going to parents weekend when she started college, but these things don’t really require a lot of parental guidance. I would say if you are open to being close with your step child the only thing that can make it easier is if they want that relationship 

Post # 18
Member
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

I have three children and am now a stepmom to three more and I love it! FI’s ex has chosen to have no relationship with us at all. His kids are older, his youngest and my oldest were both 17 when we got together, so it hasn’t hindered our ability to attending sporting events, vacation together as a big family, etc.

I love his kids as if they were my own while understanding and respecting that they have a mother and I’m just a bonus.  They were 19, 21 and 23 when we got engaged, we do things together without their dad, they introduce me to people as their stepmother, wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, it’s great! 

You’ve been a part of his life for two years already, I hope you would be aware of any major red flags or problems by now. Does she live with him half time? More? Less? Will she be going away to college? Will you be moving after you marry? I think your biggest issue would be making certain she feels that she isn’t losing any part of her father, but gaining an extra cheerleader and person to lean on. Enjoy!!

 

Post # 19
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I’m 48 and childless by choice also.   My FH has 3 children over the age of 18.  The oldest is a long haul truck driver so I really don’t see him much.  The other 2 live in the house with us.  I’m not saying everything is perfect but I’m learning to be a step parent and I enjoy it.  The youngest even was in on our proposal and videotaped it.

Post # 20
Member
2051 posts
Buzzing bee

Regarding negativity– I would take a close look at the responses on places like ST or others on Reddit and online forums because it does highlight one thing. When steplife is going well– it can be really rewarding.

When it goes sideways, it can be really, really ugly. It’s not pleasant to read “bitter” peoples experiences, but know that many came in with the best of intentions to be great step parents, but it’s a tough role that can break a marriage apart and I actually would suggest reading through some of it.

Post # 21
Member
859 posts
Busy bee

Bets711 :  I’m 43, and no kids of my own, by choice. My fiancé has two boys: 16 and 11. They have met me, but up until we became engaged, I limited my interactions with the boys. When my fiancé proposed, he had a talk with them, and they were fine with it. My fiancé and I are currently looking for a place together, so they’ll be in my life much more often than before. Again, they’re fine with the transition. When it comes to parenting, I don’t try to be their second mom. I treat them the same way I treat my niece and nephews. I’m lucky they’re good boys, and I don’t anticipate any problems. Their parents have been divorced for over 7 years, and their mom has had several boyfriends who were actively involved in the boys’ lives. Fiance and I took a more conservative approach in how often I interacted with them. I’m a bit of an outdoorsy person, so I’m looking forward to taking the boys camping, rock climbing, snowboarding, etc. I hope they’ll be receptive in doing stuff together, and see me as a fun stepmom. 

Post # 22
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

I hated my stepmom when she came into my life but 30 years on and I became closer to her than my own mother!  I also dated a guy with 2 very small children but he just couldn’t see himself getting married and I was very sad to not be in their life.  I married a man who had no problem being together and we had one child together pretty quickly.  I helped raise 3 boys from 4-13 in the beginning and I can’t say it was ever hard.  They are actually much closer to me then their own mom too. Maybe I learned something myself from when I was a kid.  I never tried to be their mother, just their friend. The older two gave me the hardest time in the beginning but I remembered how hard the adjustment can be.  Their mother also got remarried at right around the same time so it was a lot of change.  Start small with just talking to the daughter after school.  I found cooking or shopping together was something we bonded over.  They had a hard time in the beginning with having another sibling but now they are all a riot and I can’t believe my luck in the ‘stepkids’ department.  

Post # 23
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I have no bio kids. My husband has 2 grown step-daughters. When we started dating they were 8 and 10. I have no regrets and am very grateful that I got to spend so much time with them. I never felt like much if a parental figure. I was more there to support them and spend time with them. I went to their games, took them swimming, popped popcorn for their sleepovers—that kind of thing. My husband handled most of the issues related to “discipline” kind of stuff. That might not work for everyone but it worked for us. I think it would have been awkward for me to just show up in their lives and start telling them what to do. 

Post # 24
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Yes. I am 38 and my husband has two children from a previous relationship. One of them is already over 18 and away at college. The other is under 16 and lives with their mother (but stays with us every other weekend).

To be honest, I don’t have much of a relationship with the eldest, as now they are away we see them rarely. When he comes to visit, our relationship is polite but certainly not a parent-child relationship.

I have much more of a relationship with the youngest (although, again, I don’t try to parent them, I leave that to my husband). I do ask about school etc and try to bond that way. It’s a bit difficult because they want to play computer games all the time, and I have no interest in that! But they’re a nice kid and no trouble.

I imagine it would be a wildly different experience if they lived with us full-time.

I’m also a step-child myself. My step-dad and I have a pleasant adult relationship. I had already left home when Mom met him, so again I never viewed him as a parent; more as a nice man who made Mom happy.

Post # 25
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’m not a stepmom – but I do have an amazing stepmom! I was about 15 when she and my dad started dating, 17 when they got married (I’m now 29).

She and I get along really well, I will always appreciate how she took my sisters and I on and treated us as her own (my mum suffers mental illness so my dad was primary carer for us). Whilst she never tried to step into a mother role, she has definitely a parental figure in our lives that we look up to. My 15 month old calls her Nana and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It sounds like you’re already going in with all the right intentions – your step daughter will be so lucky to have you be a part of her life!

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