Anyone in a poly quad? New, looking for support. Pls no Judgy McJudgertons,

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Anonymous4:  I thought I was the only person who said judgy mcjudgerton… so good on you for that. Unfortunately, that’s all I have to contribute – it sounds like an interesting, and complicated situation. Good luck!

Post # 3
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Anonymous4:  I don’t have anything constructive to add as I’m in a boring classical relationship – the only third party involved is our daughter 😉 

i do have a question though. When you say the other guy is your boyfriend and the other girl your husband’s girlfriend, does that mean you’re also doing couple things where people that know you see you? or even bring the boyfriend to family events when DH isn’t available? 

im not judging at all, but id be interested in how people react that know you are married when you show up somewhere with a boyfriend, but of course without the cheating. 

Without having any experience whatsoever with the situation, my gut feeling would be to enjoy it while it lasts but to make sure with your DH that as soon as anyone feels even remotely uncomfortable with any aspect, that you share this with each other and put your own relationship first, even if the reason the person has May feel “stupid” to the other one. 

i would assume this won’t last forever (eg when kids come into the equation), so I’d try to make sure things are kept in a civilized fashion of the break up occurs and not to worry too much about it if it feels right for the four of you. 

Post # 4
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

I have a question!

How much more ‘value’ or emphasis do you put on the relationship between you and your husband rather than the poly one?

Post # 5
2515 posts
Sugar bee

Anonymous4:  FI and I have *swung* before but it was just sex. So sorry I can’t add much for the feelings factor, but is it weird that I find this endearing? LOL!

Post # 6
355 posts
Helper bee

Anonymous4:  Ok, so question, when 4 of you do it all together, how does it even work? Do you do like all 69’s in a circle? (I know it sounds laughable, but I always wonder!)

Post # 7
3430 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Barely_Blush:  I Lol’d at circle 69’s but a legitimate question as I have wondered this as well.

Post # 8
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Anonymous4:  I don’t have any experience with this, but I do have a friend that has been in open relationships.  One thing she really emphasized is being open, honest, and not taking things too personally.  Other than that, I don’t have much insight, but I wish all four of you the best!

Post # 9
3736 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

When I first read the title, I was like, “is a poly quad one of those rings comprised of 4 princess cut stones?”

No and no.

Sorry, OP. Can’t help. I’m glad you are enjoying your arrangement though.

Post # 10
1911 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

LilRhodyGem:  I thought the same thing! This is way more interesting haha

Post # 12
3430 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

What if one person no longer wants to participate? how do they “break up” with the other 3? What if somebody gets all psycho crazy? 

Post # 13
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

I believe that anything bigger than a triad is a “tribe,” but I’ve never been in one so I’m not 100% sure. Anyway, if you listen to the Savage Lovecast (radio show by sex, love, and relationship columnist Dan Savage) then go back a couple of months – I believe he did a whole show on the ins and outs of big poly love. This included a couple questions to a lawyer, who wanted to talk about how it can affect families to be “out,” how it works to get legally bound up with another group of people, etc.


Congrats on your relationship, glad it’s working for you! Love = love = love, whether it’s one man and one woman for life, two men, two women, or some totally different configuration; as long as everyone is honest and respectful with everyone else, you’ve got a fighting chance.

Post # 15
9556 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I will continue to add to the posters that don’t really have any experience but would like to be supportive! I think it’s very cool that you and your husband found a couple that works for both of you.

My only real advice is to keep talking and keep being honest.

Are you looking for ways to strengthen this new relationship? Are you considering living together? Are kids on anyone’s horizon? What’s the relationship like between you and the other girl or between the guys?

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