(Closed) Anyone in the same situation?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I read that too, and while I am happy for the ladies with wonderful mothers it kinda makes me sad because I have no relationship with my mother. As in, she had to find out I was pregnant from someone else and she told me she would have my child taken away because she didn’t have health insurance the first week of her life. My mom has no idea what is going on with the wedding at all because we don’t talk really.But oh well… I didn’t really expect her to actually start caring just because I am going to get married lol.

Post # 4
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my mother. She has borderline personality disorder and my teenage years were filled with her screaming at me and kicking me out of the house for something as trivial as leaving a water bottle on the table without a coaster.

When I got engaged and wanted my stepfather to walk my down the aisle (my biological father died when I was 13), my mother threatened to kill herself because SHE wanted to walk me down the aisle. So the evening I got engaged was filled with screaming threats. I’ve since stood up to her (and Darling Husband has as well) but she makes spending time with her….difficult. When she comes to visit she either spends the visit crying in the bedroom or screaming at Darling Husband and I. She’s also very irresponsible with her money. For example: I just got a call today from her. She was at the gas station (mind you, she lives 10 hours away) and only has $3 left in her bank account. So she wanted me to help get her money. It sounds awful but I have to just let her figure these things out on her own because she’s very dependent on others. Eventually she realized she has a credit card with $50 left before it’s maxed out so she used that.

I wish we had a better relationship, but after a lot of counseling, I’ve realized that I alone cannot change my relationship with my mother. If she’s unwilling or unable to work towards a better relationship, all I can do is adjust my attitude and do what’s best for Darling Husband and I. A sad situation, but one without any way of changing that I can see 🙁

Post # 5
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

Oh yes. I understand. My mother tried to suffocate the “life” out of me and was physically abusive. She also was very unstable and would be yelling at me about how she wish she would have aborted me one hour and then two hours later she would be telling me how wonderful of a daughter and I am and how lucky she is.

Shopping trips for needed clothes were horrible for me as well! She often required that I get the clothes she liked or I got nothing at all! I remember one time I wanted to get a tank top for the summer. This shirt came in many colours. I wanted a yellow one, but she insisted I get the green one or she wouldn’t buy me any clothes for the summer at all. I remember the green colour making me look slightly ill. But, I needed clothes so I got the green one.

Now that I’m an adult living away from home, I can say that I can spend time with my mother, but I don’t feel close to her at all. She’s just another person and I feel about as much regard for her as I do any random person on the street. We can have an ok time, but I really don’t need to see her. It’s hard to eve see her as a mother figure.

I was hoping that I could adopt my boyfriend’s mother as a parental mother figure, but she revealed herself to be histrionic, narcissistic, and completely horrible. So, I guess I really don’t need a mother.

Post # 6
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Tunacupcakes: I hear you about the disconnect you feel to your mother. I feel the same way with mine and I still feel guilty about that (mainly because my mother makes me feel that way). I, also, grew up with the minute to minute changes from screaming and yelling to “I love you, I need you”. My mother has a very unhealthy dependence on me and it was very hard for me to break away from her and establish my own life. It’s such a sad situation and I worry about what will happen when we have kids and our kids realize that one of their grandparents is…different.

Post # 7
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

@Treasure43:That really is too bad. I’m glad that you can relate though. When people hear that I really don’t love my mother, they look at me like there is something wrong with me!

I’m glad you are going to counseling to help, I’m hoping it will help me as well when I finally get the means to do it.

I personally don’t feel guilty about the relationship with my mother, but it’s typical and pretty common for kids with this kid of situation to feel guilty throughout their lives and even into adulthood.

About the issue of what to do when you have kids. Regarding my mother, she’s so much better now since she turned her attitude around and spent the last 5 years continually working on herself. She is no longer the woman she used to be and it’s a good thing! Sadly it was a little late in my life (she started to get better when I was about 20) and I do think we will never have a typical mother/daughter bond. I don’t worry about her around my future kids though. She’s honestly an ok person now.

So, if someday your mother was to change, perhaps your kids could have a relationship with her.

Regarding my SO mother, she is one of those people that will not be in our lives eventually, and he understands this. She will not be involved in the wedding (she will be there unless she throws a fit and decides not  to come). She will not be involved with her grandchildren and it is for the best. Sadly, this may end up being the best option for you and your children at some point.

I hope it works out for both of us. These are our mothers! They are supposed to be our protectors and our guides. 

Post # 8
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m in the club ladies…Funny thing is after a lifetime of being envious of my friends relationships with their mothers I’ve sort of just blocked out the fact that my mother left when I was 4, had limited interactions with me until I was about 18, there was another huge blow up when I was in college and she was out of my life again for several years, back in my life and now… back out again!! It’s always something…you never know when the other shoe is going to drop and she’s going to be angry or depressed. The crazy thing is because of the man she left my father for she had no relationship with her own father for 25 years until months before his passing, and even then it was strained and difficult…and the fact that she has chosen the same outcome for us is beyond me.

I’m lucky to have a amazing father and wonderful step-mother and they’ve been there with me for every part of the wedding process, even on dress shopping day when I recieved a facebook message from my mother stating that she didnt want to be part of my life any more…. yes that’s right,  a FACEBOOK MESSAGE on the day I went to buy a wedding dress.

As sad as it is for each of us, it is nice to know we aren’t alone. Sometimes it certainly feels that way…

 

The real question is…is she invited to the wedding?

Post # 9
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Cicera: I grew up with my mother acting exactly the same way.  When we went to the mall, we would be having a fine time and then something would set her off and she would yell how horrible I was and I would leave crying.  She made me cry every morning my first year of high school for stupid crap like I left a sock on the floor or something.  She would sit me down for literally hours at a time and tell me what a horrible person I was.  Then she would tell the rest of the world how great our lives were.  It was like walking on eggshells every day.  And when she got mad at dad, it came down on me.  If i defended myself, he bitched at me too.  It really is a wonder I made it.  Anyway, I dealt with it mostly by hiding in my room, finding things to do all day long and just trying to be legit out of the house as much as possible.  Mine also attaches strings to everything she gives.  I went to counseling for a while in college and that helped a LOT.  I had to realize the problem was with her and not me.  This past year, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and it is like she is a whole new person.  I hope everything goes well with your wedding.

 

Post # 11
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You’re not alone, that’s for sure. 

I love my mom, but she’s crazy.  And not fun crazy, just crazy.  She’s very passive aggressive, and everything always comes with strings attached.

She offered us a set amount of money if we had a big wedding at the hotel I work at.  She loves to show off to her family and also wanted to celebrate my wedding and her health (she was really ill in the last year). 

We agreed and I planned an entire wedding in a short amount of time (partly due to her health questions and partly because I got a better deal on the date and didn’t want to drag out the planning knowing my mom). 

Recently she’s changed her mind about paying for much of what is part of a wedding.  DJ, photographer, florist, invitatons – all no longer being covered by my mom. 

It’s tough – she’s still my mom, and I include her in things but when she goes off on a tirade or becomes totally unreasonable and mean I just go silent.  I know within a few days she’s bounce back into super happy mode and I just have to ride that roller coaster.

Good luck to all of us!

Post # 12
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have to say, as sad as it is to hear everyone’s stories, it makes me feel less alone in dealing with this. I always assumed I was the only one who had a mother with these issues.

Post # 13
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My mother telling me that she was going to abort me, but my half sister needed a father figure around and my dad agreed to stay if she had me. She signed my birth certificate with a fake name, seriously. Mothers can really just be insane. My mother used to hit me, then claim she didn’t, or claim I did something outrageous to deserve it. I feel sorry that someone lives in their own head when it is that messed up. I feel uncomfortable around her, but imagine having to live with yourself ALL THE TIME. 

She is invited to the wedding, but not a part of the wedding planning. She gets summary updates if she asks how it is going, but no input. Sometimes I am sad that I don’t have a mom to turn to with questions or for help, but it’s okay. My Future Mother-In-Law is really sweet, not at all motherly, but very nice. She is more like everyones best friend than a mom, even with her kids. I am lucky enough that my fiance is from another continent, so there is an ocean between me and my mom most of the time. Distance does make the heart grow fonder, for me at least.

Post # 14
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My mother basically gave up custody of me when I was 5, as she didn’t show up for the hearing. Ever since then, we’ve never been close.. she’d even skip out on her scheduled visitation weekends, and such. Same thing happened years later with my youngest sister (who was 8 at the time). But, I digress.

All this being said, I moved in with her when I was 19. I foolishly thought that our relationship could be salvaged. I wanted my Mum around, y’know? On top of that, I was sick of not seeing my sisters. Things were okay for a while, but I found out the hard way that she’d never change.. she’d sit at home all day whining about how tough her life was, and how broke she was, but she wouldn’t get a job. She plays the welfare system (she’s the strongest woman I know, physically, but still swears to this day that she can’t handle manual labour). After she gave up custody of my youngest sister, it got even worse, though.

The final straw came, however, when I became pregnant, and was supporting her, and my 16-year-old sister (who flunked out of high school), on top of trying to save for myself, and the baby. I’d work full-time, only to return home to cook, clean, and basically be their maid. They (yes, both of them!) would smoke pot all day, stay up ’til the wee hours of the morning, and then do it all over again, day in-day out. When my Dirty Delete was born, I got out of there. She didn’t need to be around it. My Mum didn’t take it well, to say the least, since her cash cow was gone, and even threatened to take me to court to pay her rent, etc.. HA!

We left 6 years ago, and not once have either of them contacted me to see how myself, or Dirty Delete are. Actually, that’s a lie.. my Mum tried texting me once a few months ago. But, no calls for birthdays, Christmas, nothing. The drop-out sister finally finished high school, is now 23, and has her own Dirty Delete.. and, she’s following in the same direction as my Mum–never had a job, living on welfare, and as far as I know, she doesn’t even have her own place.. she crashes on her friends’ couches. I feel so sorry for my poor niece, because she’s the sweetest little thing! She deserves better. If I could do it financially, I’d petition to adopt her.

My youngest sister is now 18, and I fear that she’ll be the same.. she’s still in high school (grade 10, since she’s failed so many classes), smokes pot, parties with our middle sister/Mum.. oh yeah, WINNING family I have.

We have seen my sisters a few times over the years (SO tries to get us together), but we’re definitely not close.

Needless to say, I’m not sure if any of them will be invited to the wedding. Part of me really wants them there, since they are family, but I don’t really want to associate with them. :s

Post # 15
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have similar stories, especially the guilt. She passed away in December, and as cliche as it sounds, I try to remember the good times and forget about the bad times because at least I know I am free of them. I do regret that she will not be at my wedding because I do feel that would probably have been the happiest/closest day of our relationship in the end.

The topic ‘Anyone in the same situation?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors