(Closed) Anyone not have the best childhood?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

Sorry you went thru all that. I had a totally different situation, but horrible as well. My dad left mom when I was 1 and remarried and had my half-sister within 3 years. I grew up visiting my dad and family every other weekend and never got any love, attention from him..not much anyway. My step-mom made racist comments about my “now” hubby 2 1/2 yrs ago and needless to say, she, my dad and even my half-sister were not at our wedding last month. They are not nice people…It hurts, but I’m more angry than anything. I’m trying to work on getting past the anger, because I know it’s NOT healthy! (Have a different host of problems with my mom, but she is a loving mom at least)

I’m sorry you went through what you did, but at least you are on your own now and won’t have to deal with any of that ever again. You get to control when, how much you see them now. You are in control of not allowing them to treat you badly anymore. And the best thing is you can try to let go of the pain from your childhood and look forward to your happy future! 🙂 Chin up!

Post # 4
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I totally understand where you’re coming from, although I don’t think I had quite as difficult a time as you. My parents had a miserable marriage, which lasted far longer than it should have. My father had countless affairs, two of which ended in illegitimate children. Because my father was such a terrible husband, my mother was miserable. She is a good person, but I think many people in her situation would have reacted just as she did, which was to take it out on us kids  (there are four of us in my family, not couting the “extras”). We were always walking on eggshells, trying not to do anything that might start an argument. But there were always arguments, once even resulting in police having to be called. I will never forget having to sit in the living room, while some friendly police officer told us that everything would be ok.

Because of the household in which I was raised, I had a terrible example of what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I used to cheat on all my boyfriends, and thought there was nothing wrong with it. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally started to figure things out, and saw that I needed to separate my past from my future, and allow myself to be happy, and not sabotage all hope of a good relationship.

It’s taken much longer to begin to repair the relationship I have with my father. It is still very strained, and I find that I am not myself around him. I still tiptoe around touchy subjects, and stick more to topics like work and movies. My sister got married 10 years ago, and really hated that he was the one to walk her down the aisle, but she stuck with tradition anyway. I am having him walk me down the aisle, and am worried that I will be super emotional about it, since I will be thinking of how it is supposed to be – the proud father and the loving daughter – and the fact that it isn’t. I’ve mourned the loss of that ideal relationship that I saw my friends having with their fathers, but have finally come to terms with what I do have.

I am so grateful that my FIL’s are wonderful, caring, loving people, and am so happy that while I don’t have a good model of happy families, my Fiance does. So he brings that to the table, while I bring a good deal of conflict resolution skills to the table! (Always trying to see the silver lining….)

Good luck with everything; I know that wedding planning brings up a lot of emotions, and it is even harder when things are much less than ideal. It’s so great that you have a supportive and loving man to help you through it all.

Post # 6
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My childhood was sort of rough.  I think my parents meant well though, for the most part.  Some people are good people but just should not have had children.  I think my parents might fall into this category.

If your parents are really toxic I think you are right to limit their roles in your life.  Don’t feel like you are a bad person.  Your parents know that you love them.  As an adult, relationships with parents evolve, and you have to figure out what works.  But you have to protect yourself too… you can’t be emotionally drained all the time.

Post # 7
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My father also plays that game of comparing all of us kids to each other, and blames one for the shortfalling of another. I have recently (within the past year) put my foot down and will not let him do that. If he starts yelling at me because my brother didn’t return the tools he borrowed, I just tell him that I am not my brother, and if he needs to speak about that, he should call him. Of course, my father then gets mad at me for not wanting to listen to him, but I can’t be the dumping ground for all that nonsense. We are all individual people, not interchangeable things.

The guilt thing stinks, and maybe the only way around that is to step back and not let them pull you into it (easier said than done, i know!). You deserve to be happy, and have a healthy emotional life. If they are toxic to the point that you don’t even want to have kids to avoid their involvement, then I’d say you have every reason to distance yourself! You can’t listen to the reasonings of unreasonable people!

Post # 8
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood. It’s so hard to come to terms with things that just aren’t right/fair in our lives. My own childhood was nothing to complain about (I have gripes, but who doesn’t?) but both of my parents had hard childhoods, and my dad’s was basically a nightmare – his dad was killed by a drunk driver when my dad was 10, his mom remarried to an abusive alcoholic sleezebag, his mom got breast cancer, went into remission, got it AGAIN, scumbag husband took all their money and left, my grandma died from breast cancer, and my dad had to raise/help his sisters through the end of high school and college at the age of 23. 

One thing I have learned from all of that is that we as people are strong. We may be hurt, and our issues are real. But there are ways to work through them and come out stronger. We developed in a way which makes us adaptable and strong, especially if we have a support system. 

Post # 9
Member
7364 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My own childhood was a good one, but I thought I would share the story of my “sister” (really my best friend).  Her parents were drug addicts and in and out of prison when she was growing up.  We were in highschool and the police raided her parents house (not the first time) and she came over to my house for refuge and broke down in front of my parents and said that she couldn’t live like that anymore.  So she moved in with us for 3 years.  My parents took care of her and loved her like their own daughter.  Now we are both 33, she graduated from college (while her brother went to jail) and she still comes to my parent’s house for holidays!  She also now has SOME contact with her family, but its on her terms and is not subjected to whatever craziness they throw her way.  I guess my point in telling you this is twofold: A) family is what you  make it- the people you surrond yourself who love you and treat you well, and B) Don’t take people’s crap- you don’t owe them anything just because you are biologically realted.  I wish you well!

Post # 10
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, I had a difficult childhood but I’m not comfortable divulging the intimate details yet.  🙁  I’m sorry, I wish parents understood how much their actions affect their children…

Post # 11
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m so sorry.  My childhood was nothing to complain about but my husband’s wasn’t exactly idyllic.  A cheating father, mom’s bad boyfriends, moving all over the country (8 schools in 7 years or something crazy like that)…  It has definitely affected him and is something he still struggles with today even though most of that has been done for the last 20 years.  I’m afraid I don’t have any advice but you’re definitely not alone.

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