(Closed) Anyone NOT having kids after getting married?

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

I didn’t want kids for a long, long time. Now I’m beginning to be okay with the thought of one, because honestly, I kind of want to experience motherhood and all the joy/craziness it brings. I also want to embrace my nurturing instincts with an actual child and not just helpless roommates…

My SO pretty much feels the same. He would like to have one, but he has told me it is not the end of the world if we don’t have any. In any case, he has epilepsy and I have an immediate family member with autism, so I think genetic counseling will be a key factor in determining whether or not we have children.

That being said, I completely understand where you’re coming from. Though I’ve been lucky, my family is very understanding and only one person has nay-sayed in the past when I said I didn’t want children. That was my aunt, but she wasn’t supper aggressive about it, I think she just got a little defensive as she decided to have three children. I think I would go mad with so many…

Post # 18
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I just tell people that we can’t wait to start trying!!!! Really enthusiastic. The truth is hub and I haven’t even decided if we’re having kids, and I am leaning toward not. But lying a little protects us from snarky or patronizing comments and intrusive judgments and allows the conversation to just move on with everyone still feeling good. I was honest with my mom, though – I told her we weren’t sure about a baby and that it probably wouldn’t happen for a while if it did it all (and I’m 33, so it’s not like I have a lot of time!). Of course my mom pulls a Bridget Jones’ Mother on me and is all, “I understand… If I had it all to do over again I’m not sure what my decision would be…” Hahaha, thanks mom.

Post # 19
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

We arent planning on ever having kids. There’s just way too much to do and kids (no offense to any parents) make a lot of things harder to do. They require more money, so we wouldn’t be able to work part time like we do now. They require loads of time and attention and patience, which would be taken away from time we could dedicate just to each other. They’re a HUGE worry (sickness, born with a disability, their safety, etc) and we would both rather not deal with that. People say we’ll change our minds or we’ll feel differently once we have them, but I just tell them we aren’t planning on it rought now. Thatusually satisfies them and shuts them up. I do not understand why people feel the need to basically tell us we don’t know our own wants and needs. That wouldn’t go over well with any other subject!

Post # 20
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I have 2 sons that I adore with every fiber of my being, BUT when I tell people that I don’t want children with my Fiance they laugh like I am an idiot and tell me that I *will* have “at least one” with him because he has no biological children. So???? He doesn’t have any pet chinchillas either, so how is that  argument even logical?? I  try to never say never, but I hate people telling me what I will do with my body and our life. Ugh. 

Post # 21
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

About 20% of people do not have kids, so it is surprising how people still insist with these arguments. It is a hell of a lot more responsible not to have them if you do not want them, than to have them anyway. 

Post # 22
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We’re married a year now and definitely set on never having children. I’ve stated this repeatedly to my mother to make sure that she’s clear, and eventually it stuck. I was very direct and blunt about not appreciating her reaction, and she was accepting for the most part. She also simply thought that I would change my mind, thankfully it wasn’t a plea for grandbabies.

Husband’s mother mentioned kids to my mom once when we weren’t around, and my mom told her our plan. Mother-In-Law did make another brief “when you have kids” comment that same day to us, but not since then. We’re waiting to have the direct conversation with her for when/if she brings it up again.

Otherwise I’d say it’s been pretty easy so far, and luckily most of my friends and co-workers understand and make non-traditional choices of their own, so I mostly get respect and acceptance from them. In that regard I’ve been very lucky. I don’t know if I’d be strong enough to continue subjecting myself to interactions with people who crap their “wisdom” all over our life choices.

Post # 23
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

Caturner15:  

We are also doing the vasectomy route his doctor asked how many kids we had and he said none and the doctor gave him a puzzled look. We don’t want kids why should we fight with BC for 20 years because they feel you should have a kid(s) first before you shut it down. We both didn’t want kids even before we met so I don’t think it’s changing.

Post # 24
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Caturner15:  how old is your fiance?

i only ask because you may find he’s about to run into the whole “you’re going to change your mind” thing.

me and my husband don’t want kids, and neither do two of our married best friends. When the husband tried to go for a vasectomy at 34years old he couldn’t find a urologist who was willing to do it. He went through the required prep class and everything and then was told “you’re too young and have no kids and you might change you mind.” And they refused to give him a vasectomy. So just something you need to be aware of when he starts looking into getting it done.

Post # 25
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

We don’t want them either. Our own immediate family have been pretty accepting of it, but I’m sure people in the extended family (very large, lots of children) think it’s odd. I’m only 23, so I haven’t had to deal with too many comments or questions about it from people like coworkers yet, but I’m sure at some point I’ll be asked when we want to start a family, how many kids we want etc and am so not looking forward to it as I’m well aware how judgemental people can be on this topic. I think if anyone says the whole ‘you’ll change your mind’ thing I’ll just say I really don’t think so and explain my reasons if asked and leave it at that. I don’t think there’s any real possibility of that happening, but I know it’s not going to come across well if I pout about it and be like ‘nope, never!!’ Seems like we’ll just have to put up with it to a certain extent and hopefully soon it will become more accepted.

My fiance has been trying to get a vasectomy also, but a couple of places have said they won’t do it. We still have a couple of places to try and we’re really confident about one as they have a pamphlet saying anyone can get them regardless of their age or whether they’ve had children, so if they do decline we can be like ‘um, that’s not what it says here on this material that YOU produced.’ I also don’t see why I should have to take the pill for the next few decades when we’re as sure as we could be.

Post # 26
Member
3554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Demeter:  I could very well be wrong, but would the places be okay doing the procedure if your Fiance had a “sample” on ice somewhere? That way he could have the procedure, but still have the “option” available, and then you guys can just chuck the sample after the procedure is done?

Post # 27
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

MiniMeow:  Yes, some of them do facilitate that, and it’s something we’re definitely happy to do.

Post # 28
Member
892 posts
Busy bee

after many years of hinting, my husband and I recently “came out” to our family that we are 100% sure we are not going to have kids. thankfully everyone is supportive about it. I’m a little surprised that nobody is giving us a hard time, but yay for that!  

Post # 29
Member
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

We don’t want children. People make comments and say we should have at least one, how cute our child would be, blah blah blah. But I’m very firm in my responses. It’s not a requirement to have children, it a choice. I wish everyone understood that.

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