(Closed) Anyone planning on being celibate after their wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not in this situation, but recognize that you must be a strong woman to stand by your man and deal with this. While he’s fighting for his life, sex is an inherent part of human nature and marriage.

Again, while I’m not dealing with this, I know I could if need be.

I hope you guys get through cancer treatments and come out healthy on the other end 🙂

Post # 4
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m really sorry that you’re in this position. There’s nothing that can be done otherwise with medications? Is he willing to do things like implants or even sex toys so that you still get pleasure and intimate time with him? I’m really sorry if questions/suggestions aren’t what you’re looking for, I just hope there’s something to make it easier on you!

Post # 5
1776 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am not in your situation, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you both went through.  I am so proud of you for the stance you have taken, supporting him so much, etc.  Just because you cannot have sex does not mean you cannot be intimate.  Kissing and touching and just cuddling will be your intimacy.  And also, I think you can and should use toys with him or alone to satisify your needs.  You can’t consummate your marriage in the traditional sense, but do it in your own way.  Best of luck for his health and your wedding!

Post # 6
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not in this position, but I would also like to applaud your devotion to your Fiance. He is blessed to have you and I wish you both nothing but the best!

Post # 9
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am not in this position, but I just wanted to say I am sorry and hope the best for you and your Fiance. My younger sister has a friend who was diagnosed at 23 with metastatic testicular cancer and had testicles, parts of his intestines, and stomach removed. He is healthy and well several years later but obviously this has had a major impact on his life and his sex life. Tough at any age, but very challenging at such a young age.

It is not superficial to mourn what you have lost or will not have with your Fiance. I can totally understand how difficult that would be. Intimacy comes in many forms, but that does not mean you should not be allowed to mourn the impact on the sexual intimacy.

Have you asked his doctors about other support groups? There may be people in this situation not just due to cancer, but also injury, etc.

Post # 10
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Christine4RN:  Firstly, I am so sorry your Fiance has had to deal with cancer.  It is such an awful disease.  Secondly, your love and devotion to him is truly admirable.  My FI’s cousin has MS and has a wonderful, supportive Fiance to help him through his battle with his disease.  She is such an inspiration as is he.  Being a caretaker can be very trying.  

Have a beautiful wedding!  The Velveteen Rabbit bit is so touching.

ETA:  You mentioned that the support groups were not very helpful  Have you thought about seeing a therapist by yourself to help work through this hard time?  It seems perfectly natural to mourn what “may have been” and it may be helpfull if you are ever feeling overwhelmed.  

Post # 12
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Velveteen rabbit is one of my favorites and I have kept it with me through childhood. I can read it today and get something from it that I didn’t when it was being read to me as a little girl. Love Love love!

I agree with many of the ladies about perhaps a support group. Stay creative, and I applaud your strength and devotion, your soon to be husband Is a very lucky man!

Post # 13
47205 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Christine4RN:  My partner also had prostate cancer as a younger man. We still have great sex! Just not intercourse. We give each other great orgasms manually and orally and there is definitely hot passionate sex.

As far as him not having any sex drive, there are lots of times when one or another partner in any couple may not feel much like having sex and the other one does. We all will have times when we have to fake it till we make it, and I’m sure  he can do that too.

Post # 15
1506 posts
Bumble bee

You are so strong and he is so lucky to have you by his side! I think it is great your love is so deep nothing will change it. On the other hand, I can understand you feeling disappointed about the wedding night. To be honest, my friend recently got married and she said they were too tired after the whole day to even think about having sex that night, and instead had a romantic bubble bath then went to bed. Maybe you could have a candlelit bath with rose petals etc. and have a really romantic end to your night. Rub massage oils into eachother and just enjoy the end of a beautiful day.

Post # 16
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Let me preface this by saying I’m not in your position. However, I am a sex educator, have dealt w/ my own health issues that have led to me learning more about what “sex” means to me, and I have dated a parapeligic who had helped re-define sex for me. When my vaginismus was at its worst, I could not have intercourse (hell, a pencil wouldn’t have happened in there!) and an orgasm hurt. I freaked. It was probably worse b/c i focused SO much on it. However, that plus my former relationship let me really think about what sex is and that intimacy is so much beyond intercourse. I truly believe that I’ve had make outs that were more intimate and emotionally special than intercourse.

It may be worth checking out Marty Klein’s Let Me Count The Ways (allll about sex without intercourse!). Also, sexual intimacy is an important component of life – even asexual individuals have sexuality. Even if your soon to be husband doesn’t have a sex drive, there are ways to talk about what this means for you two and things that you can do. I’m not going to post here about my former relationship or my sex life, but I’ll say it’s so much more than a penis in vagina. If you have any questions, just message me.

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