Post # 1
I realize this is a very personal post, and anyone who prefers to email me off the Boards, I understand, but am looking for someone else in my predictment, who knows that even once they get married, there will be no sex.
My Fiance has metastatic prostate cancer, last year in a last ditch effort, he had his testicles removed, to stop the cancer. What the radiation, hormone chemo, didn’t knock out, the last surgery completely made any of his “equipment” nonfunctional, along with any drive or desire he would of had.
We have been dealing with this for 2 years now, and although I miss sex, I love and support him so much, I don’t care, and not interestedin children. However, as my wedding date gets closer, I am feeling sad that we won’t be able to “consumate” the marriage. I am sure I will be exhausted, and when the night is over will be glad just to cuddle, but yet feeling alittle sad. I feel like a shallow sap for even writing this, as sex seems so superficial compared to fighting for his life. I have gone to the local prostate support group, but everyone there was so much older than us, and I didn’t feel like they related to the issue.
Anyone else in the same position?
Post # 3
I’m not in this situation, but recognize that you must be a strong woman to stand by your man and deal with this. While he’s fighting for his life, sex is an inherent part of human nature and marriage.
Again, while I’m not dealing with this, I know I could if need be.
I hope you guys get through cancer treatments and come out healthy on the other end 🙂
Post # 4
I’m really sorry that you’re in this position. There’s nothing that can be done otherwise with medications? Is he willing to do things like implants or even sex toys so that you still get pleasure and intimate time with him? I’m really sorry if questions/suggestions aren’t what you’re looking for, I just hope there’s something to make it easier on you!
Post # 5
I am not in your situation, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you both went through. I am so proud of you for the stance you have taken, supporting him so much, etc. Just because you cannot have sex does not mean you cannot be intimate. Kissing and touching and just cuddling will be your intimacy. And also, I think you can and should use toys with him or alone to satisify your needs. You can’t consummate your marriage in the traditional sense, but do it in your own way. Best of luck for his health and your wedding!
Post # 6
I’m not in this position, but I would also like to applaud your devotion to your Fiance. He is blessed to have you and I wish you both nothing but the best!
Post # 7
Thanks MissOrchard! You are right, you could pull from your depths the strengths to get thru anything, and that is what unconditional love is all about!
I am surprising him with a reading from the Velveteen Rabbit which talks about love only occuring after you are beat up and missing a few parts!
Post # 8
Bearlove, yeah toys help. “BOB” battery operated boyfriend is a stand in, but on my wedding night it seems like the real thing should happen! lol Miss having passionate sex after fights hahaha,
Post # 9
I am not in this position, but I just wanted to say I am sorry and hope the best for you and your Fiance. My younger sister has a friend who was diagnosed at 23 with metastatic testicular cancer and had testicles, parts of his intestines, and stomach removed. He is healthy and well several years later but obviously this has had a major impact on his life and his sex life. Tough at any age, but very challenging at such a young age.
It is not superficial to mourn what you have lost or will not have with your Fiance. I can totally understand how difficult that would be. Intimacy comes in many forms, but that does not mean you should not be allowed to mourn the impact on the sexual intimacy.
Have you asked his doctors about other support groups? There may be people in this situation not just due to cancer, but also injury, etc.
Post # 10
@Christine4RN: Firstly, I am so sorry your Fiance has had to deal with cancer. It is such an awful disease. Secondly, your love and devotion to him is truly admirable. My FI’s cousin has MS and has a wonderful, supportive Fiance to help him through his battle with his disease. She is such an inspiration as is he. Being a caretaker can be very trying.
Have a beautiful wedding! The Velveteen Rabbit bit is so touching.
ETA: You mentioned that the support groups were not very helpful Have you thought about seeing a therapist by yourself to help work through this hard time? It seems perfectly natural to mourn what “may have been” and it may be helpfull if you are ever feeling overwhelmed.
Post # 11
RayKay, I was thinking that maybe spinal cord injury spouses may be a younger group who have the same issues also. Thank you, for posting on someone who is doing well several years out , it is what i surround myself with.
For those of you who are not familar with the Velveteen Rabbit quote, I will post it, and can collectively hear the “awwwhs” from you all!
What is REAL?” asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day… “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand… once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
Post # 12
Velveteen rabbit is one of my favorites and I have kept it with me through childhood. I can read it today and get something from it that I didn’t when it was being read to me as a little girl. Love Love love!
I agree with many of the ladies about perhaps a support group. Stay creative, and I applaud your strength and devotion, your soon to be husband Is a very lucky man!
Post # 13
@Christine4RN: My partner also had prostate cancer as a younger man. We still have great sex! Just not intercourse. We give each other great orgasms manually and orally and there is definitely hot passionate sex.
As far as him not having any sex drive, there are lots of times when one or another partner in any couple may not feel much like having sex and the other one does. We all will have times when we have to fake it till we make it, and I’m sure he can do that too.
Post # 14
oh Julies1949 thank you for your encouraging words, it is hard because the drive is not there for him after the casteration, and damn these 40 something hormones! Very good point that in all relationships sometimes we all have to pull out the old Harry Met Sally fake out! Thanks for letting me know your partner is alive and well after all this time! Can I ask, did he have a high Gleason score?
Post # 15
You are so strong and he is so lucky to have you by his side! I think it is great your love is so deep nothing will change it. On the other hand, I can understand you feeling disappointed about the wedding night. To be honest, my friend recently got married and she said they were too tired after the whole day to even think about having sex that night, and instead had a romantic bubble bath then went to bed. Maybe you could have a candlelit bath with rose petals etc. and have a really romantic end to your night. Rub massage oils into eachother and just enjoy the end of a beautiful day.
Post # 16
Let me preface this by saying I’m not in your position. However, I am a sex educator, have dealt w/ my own health issues that have led to me learning more about what “sex” means to me, and I have dated a parapeligic who had helped re-define sex for me. When my vaginismus was at its worst, I could not have intercourse (hell, a pencil wouldn’t have happened in there!) and an orgasm hurt. I freaked. It was probably worse b/c i focused SO much on it. However, that plus my former relationship let me really think about what sex is and that intimacy is so much beyond intercourse. I truly believe that I’ve had make outs that were more intimate and emotionally special than intercourse.
It may be worth checking out Marty Klein’s Let Me Count The Ways (allll about sex without intercourse!). Also, sexual intimacy is an important component of life – even asexual individuals have sexuality. Even if your soon to be husband doesn’t have a sex drive, there are ways to talk about what this means for you two and things that you can do. I’m not going to post here about my former relationship or my sex life, but I’ll say it’s so much more than a penis in vagina. If you have any questions, just message me.