Anyone pull a Jim & Pam?

posted 2 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 16
Member
8861 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 FutureMrsFisher1 :  There is absolutely nothing wrong with signing papers whenever works for you, and then having a party. The problem is when you invite people to your wedding, but you’re already married. If you are pretending that you’re not already married, that is lying. And you can’t say “our wedding is personal, it’s nobody’s business” because you have invited people to your “wedding” so you have made it their business. If I invited you to my graduation party, and you planned your Saturday around this special event and drove 2 hours round trip and gave me a sweet card with a fat check in it, and then found out I actually graduated 3 years ago, you’d be pissed. Not because graduating 3 years ago was wrong, but because I tricked you. 

Here it is again: ANY* time you feel the need to lie it’s because you know you’re doing something wrong OR because you’re afraid someone is going to THINK you’re doing something wrong and you aren’t brave enough to stand up for it. If it’s the first case, instead of lying, maybe don’t do that thing that you know is wrong (or face the consequences if it’s already a done deal). If it’s the second case, instead of lying, develop your self-respect and accept that integrity sometimes comes at the cost of comfort and convenience.

*ETA: This doesn’t apply when safety is at risk, of course. If you’re in an abusive relationship and say “I’m going to the store” when you’re really escaping to your sister’s house, good on you. I’m talking about non-extenuating circumstances.

Post # 17
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I would never do this, but I’m commenting to say I am ALL about The Office reference 😂

Post # 18
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

If you want to get married in an intimate ceremony or have good reason to do so ahead of time, go ahead. Just be honest with people and call what they are invited to what it really is, a reception in honor of the marriage. 

People don’t like being lied to, especially when they are spending time and money of their own. They tend to be funny that way.

Post # 19
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I still don’t get the timeline of Jim and Pam’s wedding. For most people this wouldn’t be possible. 

Post # 20
Member
37 posts
Newbee

@Daisy_Mae, actually I wouldn’t be upset at all, it’s cute you think I’d have tricked you. It’s not a trick.  I’d stil l be happy to attend and give you a gift, use it because you can and want. The day I pledge my life to someone is the day we celebrate, and I guarantee you 99% of all people I’d invite would come anyway if they knew or not. There is nothing wrong with signing papers. It’s not legit until the next business day anyway. You have no right to judge someone’s relationship or their circumstances. GASP. Life happens whether or not you’re married or not, and it doesn’t stop for anyone. You mean there are more important things than having a wedding? I’d be fine with telling everyone, but literally NO ONE else I have spoken too would have a problem with this. I have many friends and family memebers who did this, I still came, spent my money, and gave a gift. Nothing about this information of them impacts my life, they’re happily married and now they just got to show it. 

Post # 21
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Lilly and Marshal did this on HIMYM as well.  

There are a lot of compelling reasons that may mean that having your legal wedding on the same day as your ceremonial wedding are impractical.  I think it’s preferable to have both at the same time if you can, but sometimes it’s just too difficult to make it work. 

I did this myself due to immigration and Destination Wedding reasons.  I can’t imagine doing it for family/stress related reasons like we’ve seen on TV, but I also have a nice family that’s not crazy, so what do I know.  

Post # 22
Member
2802 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t do it, but I understand the inclination. When you have large pushy families or a lot of conflict or tension going on it can feel like the whole thing has stopped being about your relationship and becomes more about family politics and the EVENT. 

Doing a first look actually really helped us with those feelings! i didn’t even care about the first look photos, but getting to spend time with just my husband and the wedding party before the wedding helped remind me what it’s really about. 

(I know there are also a lot of other more technical reasons to do it, but with Jim and Pam it was an escape from the intensity)

Post # 23
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

greeneyedgal13 :  My Fiancee and I are doing just this.  City hall just us and our best man and matron of honor the day before the reception and “fauxemony”.  I’m kinda shy in that I don’t like a lot of attention on me, but if the official bit is already done, I’ll be a bit more comfortable. 

To be fair, our fauxemony and reception is the next day, and it’s our friends that are officiating, so no ethicial consideations for them.  I have just always wanted to get married at this particular city hall, and Friday doesn’t work for a lot of our friends because we’re largely young and broke and can’t afford to take a lot of time off.

We’re not advertising getting married the day before, but we’re not lying about it either.  

Post # 24
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

FutureMrsFisher1 :  you’re not pulling a Jim + Pam, Jim + Pam got married legally on their wedding day techincally they just had a private ceremony before their church ceremony. It wasn’t months apart like the situation you’re describing. 

“I’d be fine with telling everyone” – So then why don’t you? If you’re not telling people/omitting the fact that you are already married, that’s lying by ommision. A wedding day is the day you get married and sign the papers legally, if you’re not signing the papers you’re not really getting married that day, it’s just a celebration of your marriage. 

And you saying that you’re not legally married on your wedding day isn’t true, you sign the document with the date of your marriage and they don’t process it until afterwards but it’s back dated to that date. 

Post # 25
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Daisy_Mae :  You are 100% right. 

I agree with a pp, often it’s about greed for gifts…

Post # 26
Member
37 posts
Newbee

Lol I’d be fine with telling everyone, But it’s my mother who told me not to. Coming from a person who is paying for a quarter of the wedding, I trust her. I never really thought “lying by omission” really was lying tbh. A lie is blatent untrue fact. Not mentioning something to someone about your life because you don’t constantly have to talk about yourself all the time, isn’t a lie. Sorry. Unfortunately for all couples it realistically doesn’t work out for them to be married the same day as they wear the big white dress, it just doesn’t work. It doesn’t mean they don’t get to wear the big white dress, it doesn’t mean they don’t get to say meaningful vows, it doesn’t mean they don’t get to drink and dance and be merry! It just means they wanted health insurance. If our insurance laws weren’t so messed up in this world (US here), people wouldn’t have to do this. But it is a product of the world we live in. 

Post # 27
Member
8861 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

FutureMrsFisher1 :  Are you still going to say “my fiance” though? Or are you going to start saying “my husband”? If you’re still calling him your fiance, that’s a blatant untrue fact. If someone says “I bet you can’t wait to finally become husband and wife!” after you’re already married and you say “I know, it’ll be so exciting!” that’s a blatant untrue fact. 

Seriously, ask yourself what would be different if you told people the truth. The only things I can think of are: they might not be as excited for you, they might not give as generous of a gift, maybe some of them will be hurt or offended. None of those is a good enough reason to compromise your integrity.

Post # 28
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

A lie is blatent untrue fact.

Inviting someone to your wedding ceremony, even though you’re already married, is a blatent untrue fact lol. 

Post # 29
Member
2078 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I think there is nothing at all wrong with this, and do not feel it is deceptive. I honestly don’t understand why people do feel that way. But I know I am in the minority on that on this site. 

I wouldn’t care one bit if I found out a couple got legally married prior to the ceremony I was a witness to, it literally doesn’t affect my life at all and I still got to see the couple exchange vows, express their love to each other, and that is the point to me.”

People really don’t feel this way. It’s a group mentality thing. People hear that this is “bad and dishonest and insults the sanctity of marriage” on a wedding website and then go along to be part of the popular group and angrily pile on to unsuspecting “sinners.” My soon to be SIL and her wife did this. I had no idea until the brunch the next morning that they had actually been married for a week. Guess what? They betrayed no one and no one had any cause to feel anything in particular about that fact. They still cried and were very emotional during the “fake” ceremony. It was as real to them and everyone else as their courthouse vows were.

If you need to do this for any reason, I gurantee you no one (except for those who have participated in wedding boards) will think, “wow, you had a beautiful wedding where you provided great food and drinks. We all danced and had a great time. However, it was all a LIE. You betrayed me!! I am hurt and offended.” That’s not a thing.

 

Post # 30
Member
2078 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

And By The Way, my SIL and her wife made it clear through word of mouth that the wedding was not a gift-giving event. They just wanted to celebrate with friends and family. Really terrible of them.

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