Anyone regret asking someone to be a BM?

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

So far I’m really happy with my bridesmaids! I don’t ask them for opinions on my wedding or ask them to help plan anything though, that’s a job for my Fiance and I only. My bridesmaids are just normal best friends to me, we talk about normal stuff we’ve always talked about and hang out from time to time. I only bring up the wedding when it’s necessary like for choosing a date to go dress shopping. They’ve expressed interest in planning and attending a bachlorette and will be staying with me in a hotel the night before the wedding, which I’ll probably need them for emotional support so I’m grateful for that!

So my advice to you is to make the wedding decisions on your own. Most people don’t have an interest in planning someone else’s wedding. Focus on having a normal friendship with your bridesmaid. If the friendship is one-sided in the way that she puts everyone and everything before you (example: you invite her out for your bday, she doesn’t have anything planned that day so she agrees, then she cancels last minute and you find out it was to hang out with another friend) or if she ignores you when it’s something she should care about (ex: you text her that you’re having a terrible day, she reads the message and never answers) then that’s when you should rethink your choice.
But if it really only is that she won’t give you opinions, don’t over think it! No reason to have regrets 🙂

Post # 3
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

yes. my friend of 15 years who i asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor. she dropped out of the wedding, and my life, the day after ordering her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress and bounced a check to the bridal salon. This was because i critiqued her toddlers behavior while in the shop.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
2132 posts
Buzzing bee

appleblossom217 :  Some people are just useless but we love them anyway. 

I regretted two of my girls, but only momentarily. My Maid/Matron of Honor was asking SO many questions ALL THE TIME that I hadn’t got to yet, or weren’t important. Like telling me she needs to know what I have planned for the specific logistics on the day, but like 8 months prior to the wedding! At that point I was still negotiating times with my vendors. When this was happening I was working full time,studying full time, weddin plannin, putting our honeymoon together, dealing with our house build, preparing for a new puppy, and gearing up to move to a new city. It was a chaotic time and she drove me insane! She was just excited though, and I’m SO happy she was there with me on the day. 

The second regret was one of my closest friends who I have known since our first year in high school. I adore her, but she never met deadlines (ie to send her measurements to the dress lady, etc) and was super hard to contact. Never returned texts, never answered FB messages or emails.. it made a stressful time even more stressful and I ended up having to pay a rush fee for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses because she took so long to get her measurements done! By again, I adore her and am so lucky to have her in my life. She just gets busy, and then she’s slack. 

Point being, take people for who they are, not who we want them to be. If your friend’s lack of enthusiasm didn’t bother you before, why should it bother you now? 

Post # 6
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

appleblossom217 :  well… nothing really! i was in shock, and pretty pissed. a little hurt.

she did this over text too… i just wrote back and said i apologized that her feelings were hurt, and i understand ppl are sensitive about their children. but that i had a right to my feelings and i expressed them honestly!

love her to death,  but tbh i was almost a little relieved. chaos seems to follow her either by coincidence or design (ie misbehaving toddler in bridal shop, bounced check) and i was feeling a little stressed about how it might impact the wedding.

if possible, i’d like to pause the friendship for about 5 years, maybe she’ll be back to normal by then!

Post # 7
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

@appleblossom217 I haaaate giving my opinion to friends when it comes to certain things because I always feel like my preferences are very different. Your friend just might not be comfortable weighing in on the things you’re asking her.
What you have to think about is why is she your friend? Why is she your bridesmaid? And are those qualities that you love about her still present in your friendship.
For example, I have a bridesmaid that I don’t talk to as often as my other bridesmaids because her work hours are all over the place and she recently moved and is busy with that. I picked her to be a bridesmaid because she’s always been there to pick me up when I was down. A few years ago my fiance and I got in a pretty big fight at a party over a miscommunication. She helped calm me down and get to the bottom of what happened. I’ll never forget that. Now, even though we don’t talk or see each other often, she still has that supportive personality that I love about her, so I know I can still count on her,

Post # 9
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Yes! I have a bridesmaid right now that is stressing me out. When I asked her to be in my wedding we were very close, but over the past few months a lot has changed and I can barely get her to acknowledge me.

Post # 10
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

I can tell you that I was in a wedding last year and I seriously regretted being a bridesmaid. It made me realize that when my time comes, I do not want to have a wedding party at all lol!

Post # 11
Member
725 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

At one point I seriously regretted asking my SIL, but I feel like that was mostly the fact that she was stressing me TF out the whole time.

For those of you stressing, stop, it’s one day, it’s not about your bridesmaids and what they do right or wrong, it’s about beginning your marriage. I wish I’d had that perspective during the planning process, but it wasn’t really until the day of that I realized none of it mattered, I married my best friend and that’s the important part.

Post # 12
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

appleblossom217 :  Awh okay I see. So my advice to you is to just focus on the positives. Focus on the friends/bridesmaids that make you happy! I know that sounds kind of silly, but most people get distracted by the negative things and dwell on them, don’t allow yourself to do that. You’re getting married! That fact alone is super exciting, and I’m sure that there are people around you that are really excited for you, put your focus on them!

Post # 13
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

appleblossom217 :  I have a friend like this who replies to questions (even basic, “how was your weekend, what are you up to?”) with one word answers. My best friend from high school in fact. We have completely opposite personalities – she’s a very reserved and private person who does not care about weddings (not even her own) at all whereas I’m an open book and I care a lot about wedding related stuff. All I can say is that it is very, very difficult to manage expectations in this situation. My friend, while agreed to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, really does not care or take initiative about bridal party related things at all. It’s an adjustment and at some point you just have to give up and accept that it’s their personality 😕. It doesn’t help that we live across the country from each other and rely mostly on texting to communicate. I think she would have preferred not to be a bridesmaid and instead just be a guest but it would have looked bad not to ask her and besides, now it’s too late anyway. So just gotta accept and adjust accordingly. She opted not to have a bridal party in her wedding but we still threw her a small destination bach party and mini shower (although she had no expectation of this). 

Post # 14
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Yes – I was just crying about this to my mom, actually. I asked a close family member to be my Maid/Matron of Honor when she was single, around all the time, and super supportive – not to mention she has trouble with her own nuclear family and I wanted her to feel loved and have the opportunity to be in a wedding party. But now she’s got this new boyfriend and she’s basically completely MIA. I wish that I had asked my friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, because in the last year she’s gotten even closer and has helped me through a ton of wedding planning just out of the goodness of her heart. But now it’s too late. 

Post # 15
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

i didn’t have bridesmaids bc weddingbee made me realize very few people enjoy being one. (cue the “MY BRIDESMAIDS LOVED BEING IN MY WEDDING” comments. lol) 

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