- 7 years ago
I know that there was a thread on this, but it is like a year old, so I figured I’d start up a new one. Anyone have any awful stories to tell about your wedding or a wedding you’ve been to? Come on, I’m brave, I can take it! Lol!
Here is mine:
Four years ago, my second-cousin announced he was marrying his girlfriend. He’d met this girl in 2005, got her pregnant the FIRST night they met (met on a telephone chat line), and ended up being stuck with her (or she was stuck with him, rather). By the time their May 2007 wedding came around, they had two children together. After several cheating fiascoes, because my cousin can’t keep it in his pants, and several times of calling the engagement off, they finally decided to go through with the big wedding.
My aunt (uncle’s wife) is addicted to Xanax. She cannot go to family functions sober. Well, guess who’d taken four Xanax bars on the way to the wedding, and downed them with beer? You guessed it! When we arrived at the wedding, the wedding party and immediate families were starting to take photos in front of the church. After my aunt stumbled from the vehicle she’d arrived in and pleaded with me to undress in the church parking lot and give her my outfit, she wandered over to the church steps and began jumping in wedding photos. She is in ALL of the wedding pictures with half of her face drooping (she had a mini-stroke from taking too much Xanax, so now when she takes Xanax, one side of her face droops and doesn’t move). Mind you, she was not in the wedding party.
The wedding was great, really. Except for… The bride and groom’s infant screamed and cried the whole time and nobody had sense enough to remove her. The 220 pound MOB waltzed down the aisle in her 16-year old daughter’s prom dress. You could see every lump in her ass/thighs, because the gold dress (wedding colors were lavender and white) fit her like saran wrap. The George Strait song they chose for their unity candle ceremony was not the only one on the CD and nobody bothered to set the track to play before the wedding. So, we had to listen to the first semi-second of EVERY song on the CD as the sound person skipped through to find the unity song. The song was about 5 minutes long. It took about 1 minute to complete the unity candle ceremony. The bride and groom, and everyone else, awkwardly started at each other for four minutes.
After the ceremony, while we were greeting the newlyweds, my Xanax aunt was busy stealing all of the flowers from the bridal party (they’d sat their flowers down for pics). The next thing I knew she was walking up to me with an arm full of Calla Lillies, demanding that I put them all in her van.
The reception was in the church rec hall. There were about 70-ish people there. From the minute I saw the food table, I remember asking myself how that little food was going to feed that many people. It didn’t. My Xanax aunt raced everyone to be first in line. She loaded up a huge plate of food (when you take Xanax, you feel hungrier than you really are). She sat down at the table and took a few bites of her food, then she just flipped.
“Give me your phone, right now!” My aunt demanded. I gave her my phone and she called my uncle (who was 3,000 miles away at his truck driving job). She crawled under the table and began whispering, “J, they’re holding me hostage and won’t let me leave! I want to leave this stupid a** wedding! Get me out of here right f*cking now!” She thought she was talking to my uncle but she was really leaving him a voicemail. Nobody was holding hostage. She hadn’t told anyone she wanted to go home, either. After she nearly fell asleep under the table, my aunt handed me my phone and stood up and disappeared. About five minutes later she came walking past me with a centerpiece bowl in her hands. She took the bowl to the kitchen and emptied it. The next thing all of us know, the kitchen door slams so loud and my aunt comes storming out of the kitchen, screaming at the pastor’s wife. “WHAT KIND OF CHURCH IS THIS?! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT DEVIL WORSHIPPERS AND I WANT OUT OF THIS G’DAMN EVIL PLACE!!!” Meanwhile, the DJ stopped playing music and everyone was staring at my aunt in horror. She stormed out of the church and someone took her home.
The rest of the night was just weird. Our side of the family was humiliated and the bride’s family was disgusted (and they were some serious trailer park rednecks, so you know it was bad!). Nobody got enough to eat. They’d paid for a DJ and nobody would dance. My seven year old cousin caught the garter belt, I caught the bouquet. So, he put the garter on my head. It was crazy!
So, you got anything to top that?