Anyone who have been with a previously engaged partner?

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
3419 posts
Sugar bee

I do understand having feelings about him being engaged before, but you have been with him for 2 years and you have chosen to stay knowing this information.  And there is nothing that can be done to change that.

I also find it really weird that he told you that he is purposefully spending less on you, but will give you no reason why.  That’s a dick move.

I’m going to assume there are some underlying issues and communication problems in this relationship.  Are you really in a state to even get engaged at this point?  

 

Post # 33
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

If you are considering to “run” as you put it because of the ring situation (which is none of your business as its his choice what he decides to buy) then I would suggest that you are not mature enough to get married at this point. 

He also sounds like he is bitter from his previous relationship.

Neither of you sound mature enough to be married. If this is reason enough for you to run then you won’t stand a chance when real problems arise. 

Post # 34
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My husband was married before me.  I was also married before him.  We aren’t married to those people anymore because those marriages were not the right fit for us…. THIS marriage is. 

I just think about how lucky we are to have gone through all of those experiences with other people, figured out that it wasn’t right and gotten out of those situations (as horribly painful as it was at the time), and found each other.  It’s miraculous and wonderful.  Be grateful <3

Post # 35
Member
1536 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

The cost of the ring has nothing to do with the amount of love.  This is my third engagement.  My first ring was the most expensive.  That guy left me when I was pregnant.  My second husbands ring cost less and he maxed out a credit card to buy it for me.  A peek into our future divorce about being irresponsible with money to a startling degree.  My third ring was the least expensive.  We found it togther and it’s very meaningful.  It’s not about the value of the ring, it’s about the depth of the love (and the budget!).  Don’t assign the cost of your ring compared to an ex is irrelevant.   I agree with PP that it was very dumb of him to tell you that.  Have a conversation and get past this.  Sorry your feelings were hurt bre it’s understandable. 

Post # 36
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

I would want to know these things too, just out of curiosity, but you have to be able to handle that kind of information. You can’t really demand he spend the same amount on a ring for you, that’s a bit rude. I agree with the previous poster who said he probably didn’t like you dictating how much he’s going to spend. You don’t have to like that he was engaged, but you have to accept it or you shouldn’t have stayed with him 

Post # 37
Member
3419 posts
Sugar bee

I will fully admit that I would be very offended if my SO told me the was going to spend less on me and gave no explanation as to why.  It just seems very spiteful.

And yes, I know that it’s his money and he can spend it any way he pleases, but the way he is going about it would really make me question the entire relationship.

 

 

Post # 38
Member
9145 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
sunburn :  

Well exactly. Man’s a fucking idiot . If he thought his mum was going to tell OP the price couldn’t he just have said something like ‘ well l know l paid too much for what it was, l know better now’

And OP isn’t helping matters by trying to force him to pay more or explain why not. Neither of them sound terribly sensible. 

 

Post # 39
Member
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sparklysushi92 :  

Well, If you put it to him that way—demanding a ring that costs more than his exe’s ring, I’m amazed that he didn’t just flee right then and there.

Post # 40
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I am going out on a whim here as to why you may feel this way: If I were with my ex husband, and he were engaged before he was to me, I’d have felt like crap because he did not make me feel special and secure otherwise. When I met my second husband, sure I was more mature, but he made me feel so secure and loved that I never cared that he had been engaged previously. I don’t care what other people would think. In time you won’t be thinking about it so much but if he made you feel secure and like you’re the most amazing girl in the world you would not feel this way. Also, I got a way more expensive ring from my first husband. He did not love me, but he sure looked like a big guy having spent all that! It’s not about what the ring cost, I promise you. 

Post # 41
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

You’re using the wrong elements to measure whether you matter more to your FH than his former fiance. The cost and design of a ring are immaterial. You seem insecure in this relationship and you were out of line to ask him to spend more on you.

That being said, your FH telling you how much his ex’s ring cost, telling you he’s spending less on you, and not explaining why is a HUGE asshole power move. It sounds like he doesn’t respect you and intends to keep you in line. I can see how this would feed into your insecurities. I would have serious second thoughts about a man who treated me like this.

Instead of wondering how much the ex’s ring cost, whether it looks the same, you should be more concerned about why his last engagement failed, why he hadn’t seen the red flags before he committed to marriage. 

Post # 42
Member
377 posts
Helper bee

The cost of a ring isn’t what an engagement is about, regardless of whether he earns more now. 
If I were you I’d stop with your way of thinking and direct it into your relationship.

Maybe when the time comes to a proposal/ring shopping go with him and show him the ones you like…if he’s adament about a price that you can’t compromise with you could pay some money towards it.

 

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