(Closed) Anyone's FI not helping with wedding planning?!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My Fiance is helpful when I ask him to be, but I have to be very direct with him. And I am very decisive, so it isn’t bothering me that he isn’t very involved.

There have been a few things that required his input (menu/beer, tuxes, groomsmen gifts, etc). On those, I give him a deadline of when I want something done (“Babe, I’d like to have the tuxes picked out before we go back to your hometown in 3 weeks,”) and then I give him sort of specific choices, (“Would you rather go this Saturday at 11 or is there a weeknight that would be better for you?”).

Choices seem to work very well, open-ended questions not so much. The other thing that seems to work well is to email him information (“Here are three or four groomsmen gift ideas I came up with”) so he has time to absorb it before we ever talk about it. I also try to tell him why I want something done (“In March, we have these two weekends away planned and we’ll need to do the seating chart, which can’t be done sooner. So I’d like to have everything that can be done earlier done, like the groomsmen gifts. One less thing to worry about. Is that okay?”)

I don’t think they realize all the little details and decisions that have to be made and how important it is to do things in advance.

It is important to come up with coping strategies to deal with this kind of difference in personalities because it is going to come up so much in life. I’m decisive and type A, Fiance is more laid back and willing to wait on things/patient. Both personalities have their pros and cons, but we have to figure out ways to work together that don’t make us want to kill each other 🙂

Post # 18
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My husband didn’t contribute that much to wedding planning, but he was involved with decisions.  He didn’t care at first and was like “do what you want,” but we sat down and I told him that I wanted this day to reflect both of us.  So I would do the bulk of the legwork, but he had to give his opinions about things when I asked, which he agreed was fair. 

I planned our honeymoon with his input, we picked out his suit together, we got gifts for our bridal party together.  I got his initial and final input on invitations, then did them myself.  I told him the wedding colors I wanted, he said “sure,” and then I make all the floral plans myself. 

The result was, we had a beautiful wedding that reflected both of our tastes, I painstakingly planned all the details (which let’s face it, I wanted to anyway), and at the end of the night he was so grateful for my efforts to put it together.

@ThinkingOutLoud:  I think you just need to sit him down and talk about your expectations.  He should contribute financially, but he should also know that it makes you feel like he doesn’t care if he doesn’t share opinions.  A lot of guys are taught that weddings are “for the girl” and they think they’re not supposed to care about stuff.  If you tell him you want his input to plan a day for both of you, he may turn his attitude around.

Post # 20
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I had a supportive Fiance who said he would help with things (as I was going through a job change and applying for grad school, and volunteering!) but then, stuff wasn’t getting done!  We ended up having a really good discussion (after an INTENSE family meeting where I got totally overwhelmed with questions firing from EVERYONE, goddamn our families like to run their mouths!) where I told him the following: All I really cared about was my dress (taken care of), and marrying him.  All the rest – food, decor, etc. – I could honestly not give two shits about, and yet everyone from family to strangers was constantly grilling ME.  So while it was great that he had opinions and wanted to help, this would NOT be a situation where he gave opinions and I did all the work to make it so; if he wanted ANYTHING, from a band to real plates to whatever, HE had to be the one to set it up, or it WASN’T GOING TO HAPPEN.  That really sunk in, and he admitted he wanted to help but felt completely out of his depth.

So how did we solve it?  He unwrapped the huge, brand-new wedding binder my mom sent us and started going through all the sections.  He’s told our families they now need to direct questions and ideas to “Groomzilla” for review.  I’m no longer the point person on anything except dresses (mine and BM’s) and helping in the background.  It is SOOOOO much better, almost even fun! – and these roles work well for us.  

So maybe you could have a similar talk with him, asking him what’s important to him about the day (food, music, band, etc.).  And if he can’t come up with anything he cares about, then he needs to contribute $xx.xx to your budget and sit down, shut up and pitch in how you say.  BUT if he does care about things, then he needs to help out by 1. doing research, 2. contacting vendors for pricing, 3…(or whatever tasks suit).  Maybe print out a couple wedding checklists for him; most of the wedding planning stuff is absolutely 100% geared towards women (as my Groomzilla points out, in the binder there are typically 40-45 items to do on a page and around 4 – all of 4! – are listed as the groom’s responsibility). I think some guys don’t want to admit they don’t know HOW to go about things like booking a band, so they just coast and avoid.  Maybe if he had that information, his behavior would change and he would start to actually take charge.  Now, if you both care about something…well, you’ll have to negotiate that one out 😉  Good luck!!

Post # 21
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Mine isn’t helping but he is paying… its between him and my dad.  We’ve got the guest list DOWN to 460 ppl that are mostly his side.  At first I was annoyed that I had to plan this party for strangers.   I was getting overwhelmed having to do all the work, so I said “either you take on three items in the wedding or hire me a wedding planner”… so there we go, stress free I have a planner who does his share of the work.

Pretty much I say “I’m thinking this, what do you think or do you care” and he will say “you’re the captain” and “its girl stuff” so he writes a cheque or gives me his credit card.  Its not that he isn’t excited about the wedding, its just not his thing AT ALL.  He comes from a very traditional background and seems to have delegated his sister for opinions.  He tells me all the time we should just skip the wedding and be married, so I know it isn’t his feelings about the marriage.

The other day (we’re a good 6 months into planning) someone asked him the wedding colours and he didnt even know.  It was cute, he actually listened to me tell them about our wedding so he knows more about it now.  And he did go for the menu discussion – that’s his only real concern.

Post # 22
Member
4950 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Mine told me, “It’s your job to plan. It’s my job to show up.” 

Ugh, really? 

But he did tell me that, if I give him actual X or Y choices, he’ll pick one. Narrowing down my choices that much has been hard. 

Post # 23
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@ThinkingOutLoud:  The thing I’d be concerned about is the fact that he’s not chipping in financially.  Shouldn’t the money part be shared?

Post # 24
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2014

OMG! You just completely described my Fiance. We are just under 4 months away from our wedding and I can’t get him to help with anything. Tuxes, still not done. It took me 2 months of hounding him to get him to find out the addresses of his groomsmen. It’s worse than dealing with a child sometimes. I feel like he doesn’t care about the wedding at all sometimes and have even asked if he wants to still get married. He swears he does and will then spend half an hour looking at wedding stuff with me and then its back to the same ol’ song and dance. I have no idea what we are going to do. I have done everything by myself up to this point and its to the point where I need him. I need song choices, schedules for the day, tuxes and tux appointments, and final cake flavor choices. He says he doesn’t want me to do it all myself but yet will not help with anything. Its sooo frustrating!!!!

Post # 25
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My fiance’s the same. Initially it bugged me, but I’ve kinda gotten used to it. I’m sorta controlling anyway haha, so it works out ok. Recently I asked him for input on something (silly me) and he said, as usual, that whatever I thought was best worked for him. I said “But what do you THINK?” and he responded with “I think you’re the boss.” Pfffffffffft

Post # 26
Hostess
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

oh i feel for you guys. My Fiance is very involed….he even made a wedding project plan on MS project…and he makes me update it with him weekly when I couldn’t care less..lol… 

Post # 27
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

My DH and I got married in January, and he told me point blank. I love you, whatever you want to do is fine, I dont care, all I care about is at the end of the day we are married.

He said whatever you need, and added me to his trust account and I did what I wanted. I kept it small because I know he didnt want anything big, and because we had to drop everything for an upcoming deployment, I just called everyone and said get here…and they did!!

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