(Closed) Anyone’s Husband still friends/acquaintances with Their Ex’s?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Heck no. My ex’s are not my facebook friends and IMO, there’s really no need for it. We broke up. End of story. He’s having consistent discussions? I’m not a fan of the idea. I’d mention that you think it’s inappropriate. Why does he feel the need to chat with them anyways? If it bugs you, you shoudl say something and he should understand and respect that.

Post # 4
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree that there is no need for him to be in consistent contact with the ex’s, especially when you are obviously bothered by it.  Of course, there are people who don’t mind if their bf/fiance/spouse keeping in touch or stay as friends with their ex’s, but this is not the case.  Sure, he’s just being nice to them, but he should be nicer to you, imo, knowing that it bothers you.  An occasional greeting or what not to ex’s on facebook is one thing, but the abundance of activity between them would annoy the heck out of me.  To be honest, I’d prefer it if the ex’s are not even on the friend list, but I have low tolerance with that kind of stuff. lol

GL!

Post # 5
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My husband is good friend with one of his ex’s whom he spent 3 years in high school with. When we met, he had lost contact with her. but later on, they started talking again. This doesn’t bother me at all. When he got a contact from her, he asked me so many times if I’m ok with it and I said YES because the past is past and I just don’t feel it is fare for me to tell him whom he can talk to and he can not. but this is just my case. He tells me pretty much anything and even when he talks to the ex, he tells me what they’ve talked and stuff. I know they are just friends now. She is even doing my hair at our wedding.(Even though we’ve been already married our wedding is in this September.)

but in your case, I think the important thing is that you are not comfortable with it. It doesn’t matter if he is just being nice. His wife is not happy about it. This is THE problem. You should really be honest with him and I’m sure he will understand. He doesn’t need to be nice to his ex’s and hurt your feelings. 

I hope you can work this out with him. Good Luck!!

Post # 6
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Its tough…I can definitely be a jealous person but I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes.  I am friends with an ex.  We don’t talk all of the time, but we definitely talk on msn or whatever and he’s on my facebook…my Fiance has no problem with this and I have nothing to hide about it.  Another ex is my facebook friend, but we don’t really chat back and forther…He’s left a message here or there, but nothing consistent.  Granted I don’t speak to anyone I dated that did not end amicably.

I guess all you can really do is ask why he needs to continue talkign with them and maybe ask him to cool it…I am personally not a fan of asking people to stop talking to others…without good reason…but definitely express you dislike for the situation. 

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

The guy I was sort-of casually dating when I met my FH just added me on FB last week.  I accepted, but talked to my FH about it and he was fine with it.  FH knows that our “relationship” was very casual, I think he might have been more concerned if my ex (guy I dated for 4 years from HS into College) had added me. 

I’m not against being FB friends with ex’s but I would be concerned if there was a lot of communication.  Honestly though, at least they are communicating via wall posts and not private messages. 

If I were you, I’d tell him that you understand that he is just trying to be nice but that it bothers you and you’d appreciate it if he would gradually decrease the amount of communication.  If he starts waiting a few days between responding to them, I think they’ll get the hint.

Post # 8
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

You know, I’ve never stayed friends with any of my ex’s. Luckily Fiance hasn’t either.

I think this is a sticky situation. It could be that all these girls are seeking is his friendship, but if you are not comfortable with it, then I think you should definitely let him know that. I have a Facebook and a Myspace, but I try to mess with it as little as possible to avoid stuff like this. LOL However, I do have friends who eitehr have theri ex’s on their friends lists or the SO’s ex’s because they share children and it is almost like high school all over again trying to purposely make them jealous.

I have to agree I see no real reason to keep a consistent contact. A”Hey how are you doing?” every now and then is fine, but if it is enough to bother you this much, then it is too much.

Post # 9
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I don’t have that problem anymore, at the beginning of our relationship that was happening but the ex turned out to be crazy anyway so my Fiance stopped that himself.

Did the one ex just recently find out he’s married? Sometimes I think that brings out some weird interest from exes, like they’re wondering if they missed out on something.

If it really upsets you that much, don’t feel bad about it. Tell him the truth, at least ask him to tone it down a little bit.

Post # 10
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Maybe I’m the oddball, but my fiance and I have both stayed friends with a number of our exes.  Some of these exes have become friends for both of us, some the other can’t stand and we do solo stuff as friends.  I guess we’re just not jealous people, but as long as he tells me about it and vice versa, I don’t see the problem.  To each his own, though.

Post # 11
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I’m a pretty jealous person, though I try not to be, but my fiance is too so basically we just take each situation as it comes and deal with it that way. I doubt either of us would be okay with the other talking that much to an ex though.

I think you should talk to your husband about it because it does bother you. He may not even realize that what he is doing is bothersome and when he does understand the extent to which it does, act accordingly by not talking to them anymore or letting them know that he doesn’t plan to talk to them as much anymore and that they should back off (which in my opinion if they are truly just trying to be friendly they will understand and back off, in my experience it’s the exes who make a big deal about it and constantly try to be chatty and stuff despite being gently told to do otherwise are the ones in most need of being ignored).

Post # 12
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Not the same situation, but when I first started dating my Fiance his ex wanted to hang out with him, would myspace message him, and lots of other things that made me uncomfortable.  The new interest took place when his ex found out we were seriously dating, so like Shoe Queen suggested, it may have to do with some weird jealousy thing.  Like you, I was not worried about him cheating, and like your husband, my Fiance was doing it to be nice (he felt bad about their messy break up).  I told him how I felt and while he did not seem to think there was anything wrong with it, he came around to seeing that when it came to his ex’s feelings being hurt or my feelings being hurt, that MY feelings were more important.

I don’t think your husband needs to flat out tell his ex’s that he can’t talk to them again, but by gradually making himself less available (taking longer to respond, not initiating conversation, giving shorter replies), they will hopefully lose interest and get the hint that he is not an available friend! Good luck!  Sometimes it’s both a blessing and a burden to be with a nice guy, but I think the good outweighs the bad 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Honestly, the biggest problem for me here would be if I told my husband that something bothered me and he didn’t try to resolve the issue.  Sometimes, for me, the hardest part is actually telling my husband what’s bothering me in a way that he can understand the problem.  I have a tendency to mention things without putting a lot of emphasis on it or really explaining my feelings; and if I don’t express myself my husband doesn’t know it’s a big deal and just brushes it off. 

Could you sit him down and say, “This is really important to me.  I really need you to listen to my feelings so we can come up with a solution to this.  It hurts my feelings/angers me/upsets me/etc… when you talk to these girls because of x, y, z.”  If he knows how much it really hurts your feelings, I would think he’d be more likely to end these friendships.

Post # 14
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I suspect that these exes came crawling out of the woodwork because he’s engaged. When someone gets engaged, it’s natural to assess what could have been—from both sides of the fence. It’s no coincidence that they’ve surfaced now.

I know you really want him to stop, but if you give him an ultimatum, what will you have accomplished? You will have either coerced him into the behavior that you want, or you will have driven his behavior underground. Neither option seems desireable. Say your piece, to let him know how you feel, but I don’t think you need to beat it too hard because it’s probably going to fix itself eventually. He’ll get married and someone will lose interest. I hope you can come to a compromise where he can chat informally with them but not get carried away. You’ve seen it before right, in life or in movies? Banning someone from speaking or seeing someone else never works. 🙂 You need to both respect each other’s feelings here.

Post # 15
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry that you’re feeling badly about the situation!  Just to give you a different perspective (for what it’s worth!).  I have several ex-boyfriends that I am friends with on Facebook…sometimes they write on my wall, send me messages etc. and it is all completely innocent!  Even if these guys may still have some kind of feelings for me, I have no feelings for them and make that entirely clear.  So, my point is that it is entirely possible for people to have exes as friends…and that’s where it ends.  My Fiance isn’t bothered at all by the fact that I talk to them once in a while….he knows that they are just friends, and that he has my heart.  If he were bothered by it though….then I’m not sure what I would do about the situation…I would definitely try to find something that we would both feel comfortable with.  On the other hand…..if this back and forth is happening every day….then that’s a different story.  I’m sure he wouldn’t be okay with that….and honestly, neither would I!  Just know that it’s your lovely finger that he put that ring on….not theirs!  Hopefully he’ll respect your feelings, and you’ll find a compromise that you’re both okay with!  Good luck lady! 🙂

Post # 16
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

im in the heck no camp with Ejs4y8 and Chealseamorning may onto the right thing, they are curious about the ‘whatif’s” but i still wouldnt be happy about it

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