(Closed) Anyone’s Husband still friends/acquaintances with Their Ex’s?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I think it is okay for him to be nice and carry on friendships with exes as long as you are okay with it. This is one of thse things that sometimes is unexplainable, but if it, for whatever reason, causes you stress, he should be willing to ease off. That being said, I think face book friendships are not hte same as if they were hanging out so it should be easier for him to ease out of touch with these ladies.

Post # 33
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

He is not friends with anyone his ex’s, in real life or on Facebook. I’m friends with a couple of ex’s on Facebook but I never really have much contact with them. I was friends with them before my fiance came into the picture. He knows who they are and he also knows I never talk to them. So he doesn’t worry about it. If our situations were reversed, I’d be the same way.

Post # 34
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I know exactly how you feel, and I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to approach him about it and tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if he would not just be “nice.”  My fiance and I have been together since high school, and we started off casually dating and a girl I barely knew came in and “stole” him away, for lack of better wording.  He and this girl were never serious, they only lasted for about a month, and him and I have been together seriously for three and a half years now.  She always pops up, however.  Three separate times already, with conversations going back and forth and him saying he was just being “nice.” I hate that, because there is no need to be nice to this girl who ruined our relationship once and has consistently been trying to ruin it a second time for the last three and a half years.  She is also the kind of girl that sleeps around and cheats on all of her boyfriends, and she has some kind of vendetta against me for some reason that I have yet to learn, so I would wonder why he would want to be nice to her.  This last time I found out they were talking, about six months ago, I flipped out and left, and he came home to an empty apartment with my engagement ring and my promise ring left on the table.  I told him that I was leaving, that I didn’t deserve this, and that he couldn’t have understood what being engaged meant if he could go on talking to her when he KNEW that I hated it and that I just wanted her out of our lives.  Needless to say, when I came home, he was crying and begging me to forgive him, and since that I have asked him to delete his Myspace, change his email, his AIM, and his phone number.  It’s not that I don’t trust him, and he never physically cheated on me, but his being “nice” went too far, and this girl always seems to find a way to crawl back out from some hole and get in contact with him and I want her gone.

So anyways, long story short, I don’t believe it is unreasonable, being “nice” is no excuse when your WIFE isn’t comfortable with it and wants it to stop.  There is no need for him to talk to his ex-girlfriends when he is happy with you, and he should respect your wishes, especially since the two of you are now married.  These girls probably are just coming back now that he is the epitome of unattainable, but there is no need for him to encourage them.  I would sit down and talk to him and don’t take “I’m just being nice” for an answer.  I did that before, and it took me actually leaving for him to realize how serious I am about it.  I’m not saying you should do that by all means, but he needs to know that this makes you uncomfortable.

Post # 35
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Add your quandry to the list of reasons I hate Facebook! I have no desire to be friends with any of my ex’s-on facebook or in real life. It would bug me if my Fiance was friends with some of his ex’s, and it would bug me more if he was in constant communication with one of them, let alone TWO of them.

That said, if your Fiance is just being nice as he says, it would bug me, but I don’t know if I’d stop him. I trust that my Fiance loves me and doesn’t carry a torch for any of his ex’s!

Post # 36
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Seems like teamzeewagen and I are the minority here.

Honestly, I don’t quite understand why you are jealous, you stated that you trust him. Unless there is some sort of inappropriate talk going on or apparent flirting then I don’t see the harm.

I still keep in touch with a couple of ex’s and so does my Fiance, I’m actually quite close to one of mine and his lovely Fiancee and he will be coming to the wedding with her and we will be going to their wedding also, my Fiances ex’s are more of acquaintances now and they don’t speak very often, I actually said to him recently ‘Have you spoke to such and such, you should ask her her partner to come to the wedding if you like”. We are absoultly fine with each other speaking to ex’s or members of the opposite sex, to be honest, I’ve never had a negative thought cross my mind when he talks to these girls. I would even be comfortable with him going out to dinner or whatever with the girls without me if he went home by himself or something.

We having a very secure relationship. I’ve noticed that in my home country people are a lot more laid back about matters such as this. I’ve noticed a trend here in the U.S- for me maybe it’s a culture difference however my Fiance is American but, he is very laid back and open minded.

Post # 37
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

I think ex’s are ex’s for a reason.  About 8 months into our relationship one of his ex’s said that she didn’t want to be friends anymore (I think what it was was that she was trying to move on [they went back and forth a lot over many years]  and it was hard to move on with her still being friends).  She got married a year later and just recently she wants to be friends again.  He didn’t know how to take it.  She wants to be friends then she wants him out of her life completely and now she wants to be friends again.  It’s weird but I think what gets me is that his mom would prefer her over me with him and it’s a little uncomfortable.

Post # 38
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This is a very personal issue and there’s no right answer (unless of course you find out something actually inappropriate is going on) if he wants to be friends with his exes.  I have the same situation — I’m not friends with my exes and my Fiance is friends with one of his…who happens to be 6 years younger than me and have a lot of similarities with me (we are similar “types”) which FREAKED ME OUT big time in the early stages of our relationship.  In addition she was not involved with anyone.  

Long story short I kind of had a breakdown with him about it after having to hang out with her repeatedly and learning she was good friends with my FI’s sister, etc.  He did cut down the contact with her after I showed that it made me upset.  I never asked him to stop seeing her but I would have liked to…but I knew that wasn’t the right thing to do.

She still makes me uncomfortable to be honest but I really think it’s my issue.  He does not seem interested in her at all, I just get jealous when it comes to him (I was never the jealous type but with him I am…it was one of those early signs that this relationship was different!).  The stupid ex is coming to the wedding and to be honest I really wish she wasn’t…but again, to try and forbid that makes it more of an issue than I want it to be.

Anyway, I don’t have any big advice for you because again, this is all very personal and each situation is unique.  But just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in this!!!

PS….I hate her! ;o)

Post # 39
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Other than as nessesary, we have a no-ex policy. Not on FB, or anywhere else. There’s just no reason for it.

Post # 40
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

“Other than as nessesary, we have a no-ex policy. Not on FB, or anywhere else. There’s just no reason for it. “

 

We’re the same way. Neither of us would tolerate it unless it was a very unusual situation. Consequently, we never fight, get jealous or argue about things like this. We have a very drama-free relationship.

Post # 41
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I totally understand what you’re saying, and to be honest, it doesn’t matter what anyone else’s opinion is. Like Miss Spring said, if it bothers YOU, then something should be done about it. You’re uncomfortable, and he should be making every effort to make sure that you ARE comfortable.

I’m friends with a few ex’s as well, and my husband is too…but all of the “insignificant” ones. He used to be friends with the girl he first loved in college, and she would constantly send him birthday cards with, “remember when we did this together? Oh gosh, that was so fun! You were so cute when you did this…” kind of stuff. It irked the heck out of me, b/c it was obvious she was trying to one up me and somehow keep him thinking of her. He knew it bothered me, so he really cut back on the contact with her and stopped informing her of things. He wanted to invite her to the wedding which I was fine with, but I think he got the impression that she was still trying to keep herself in his life, so ended up not inviting her. there was just no need for that stuff.

So, I absolutely see where you’re coming from, and he should really be concerned with making you comfortable…not making her comfortable.

Post # 43
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My hard and fast rule of relationships (because they can apply to any relationship regardless of the dynamic) is ultimately the Golden Rule phrased differently. “Don’t do anything to them, that you wouldn’t feel comfortable with them doing to you.” I hold this to both people in the relationship. If you wouldn’t have that dialogue with your ex, then it’s not okay for him to do it. I would talk to him about this. He brings up that you had a chat with an ex recently, but it seems that it was for a genuinely legit purpose rather than “being nice by making small talk on facebook.” Truly does he care if these women don’t like him as much because he’s not replying to their comments? If he does then there’s something fundamentally wrong in the relationship. Just tell him how you feel, and explain that exes being so present makes you feel uneasy. Hopefully he’ll do the right thing and tone all the chatting down.

Post # 44
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I completely understand your discomfort.  My Darling Husband of one year has stayed friends with almost all of his ex’s, and I really don’t feel comfortable hanging out with other women he slept with.  

Female friends that have always just been his friend, no problem.  I have male friends, too, that have always been JUST friends.

But I personally think that when you have slept with someone, it’s not fair to expect your future spouse to welcome them being around.  I don’t talk with, invite over or hang out with my old lovers, because it would feel creepy to me to be in a room with them and my husband. And I’ve noticed that as they got married, (before I did), they also weren’t interested in having me around any more, and that was fine.  Situations change when you get married. 

It’s a respect thing, In My Humble Opinion.  

Post # 45
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

ok…here we go….this is a sort of sore subject given recent events involving ex’s and facebook. Generally im not a jealous person. my Boyfriend or Best Friend hadnt had an official girlfriend in years before. He is originally from new york and has been in chicago for about two years now. The ex in question is an ex from about 5 or 6 years ago. It was her fault they broke up and she damaged him quite badly. So much so that I was the first girl he has really committed to since her. So publicly (including on facebook) I am the first girl he has put it out there that he is dating seriously. we were facebook friends prior to making it official on there and i never once saw any posts from any girls really. just the occiasional hey havent talked in a while how have you been (and it was on his wall, so it was all out in the open). I kid you not, as soon as he made it official with me on there the ex’s came out of the wood work. One girl even posted on the notification that says “is now in a relationship with…” and was like awwww I thought you loved me! boooo!!! haha kidding of course! ….kidding my ass! another would put stupid stuff like “will you be the love of my life foreverrrrrrr!!!! haha!” (and that was the one who really broke his heart so it was that much worse for him as well). There was actually a little group of girls that were friends with the ex that hurt him badly that would go on there literally ever other day just to put annoying messages up there. when she posted I had him remove it because I just didnt think it was appropriate. She got the message and stopped but then all her little friends started doing it too. I really think its some weird territory thing that sparks this desire in some women to do stuff like this when it is brought to their attention that an ex has a new someone or is happily committed. Handling it how I did and really letting them know it bothered me was probably the worst thing I could have done because it just fueled their fire more. My Boyfriend or Best Friend would never cheat or do anything to hurt me and he never responded and it was all public. So now knowing that I do trust him whole heartedly I just sort of giggle every time I see them try something. They really just make themselves look silly. sorry for the rambling post but this is just a really fresh issue for me. Im not trying to thread jack either 🙁 sorry! lol I guess what im trying to get at (finally right? lol) is that as long as you trust him and everything is out in the open and honest I would let it be. You are the one he is with and as much as it can be annoying think of how annoyed they must feel knowing he chose you and they just didnt cut it? 🙂 they are ex’s for a reason and you are his one and only for a reason. you win!

Post # 46
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

No, no, no, no, HELL NO! He should unfriend them and get the hell out of dodge! I wouldn’t tolerate it.

I have gone through the f/b situ many a time. I am a lot older than my H2B so I am quite jealous of his young and nubile exes.

He keeps in touch with one because she has custody of his little boy, but that’s the lot. Anyone else is unacceptable. I don’t speak to my ex-husband (despite us ending on relatively good terms), nor any of the others on a regular basis. There are none on my f/b and none in my day to day life.

These girls are overstepping the mark by only being interested because he has somebody new and is getting married – now they wonder what it is that they lost! Their loss is your gain. They are disrespecting your boundaries and it should be nipped in the bud, but try to approach the situation with him in a laid back manner, or you will end up looking crazy and jealous.

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