(Closed) Anyone’s Husband still friends/acquaintances with Their Ex’s?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

It’s interesting how a lot of women here say that their spouses shouldn’t maintain friendships with their exes unless approved by their current partners or spouses. I wish my husband was wise enough to do this and also the friends/relatives that encourage him to do otherwise.

When I met my husband 19 years ago, he was 39 and divorced. I was only 24 and very inexperienced. I hesitated to date a divorced man but since he didn’t have any children with his ex, plus the ex lived outside of the country, I gave it a chance. There were red flags that I ignored like photos still around, and some of his friends who still ask about her in front of me and basically hail this woman as perfect and as if I had anything to do with their break-up. I didn’t even know this woman. On top of that, my husband’s father called me the ex’s name on several occasions. You would think that my husband would be wise enough to “protect” me from these people but he didn’t even say anything or at least keep me from these people. Anyway, I am to blame because I went ahead with the relationship, fell badly for the guy. I dated him for a year and we got engaged for another year. It was important for me to get married in my church so I requested my husband to file for annulment and so it was granted and we got married in my church. He promised me then that his last contact with his ex was when the annulment was granted. He married his ex-wife in Europe and I asked if they ever filed for divorce there. He said he couldn’t file it because he wasn’t a citizen of the country where they married and it was the responsibility of the woman to file it. He said after he established residency back here in the States when his company moved him back, he filed it. He said his ex left him for 2 years while they were living in her home country because she got reconnected with her former boyfriend. This unresolved issue about his marriage in a foreign country made me uncomfortable, but yet I married him because he is legally divorced here in the States and his marriage was also annuled in my church.

It’s funny because I’m a firm believer of intuition now and this situation just proved it. During our marriage I had dreams about this woman being with my husband and every time I tell my husband about it, he dismissed me as controlling his thoughts to a point of almost calling me a lunatic and jealous wife.

This year in spring, my husband came to me and told me that he finally received an e-mail from his ex, requesting papers to file for divorce in her home country. When I asked when he received this e-mail, I found out it had been a week since the date. I wondered what the hesitation was. I asked him where she got his e-mail address. He said she could have possibly found out about it from her sister who also worked in the same company as he does. I asked to see the e-mail. He told me it wasn’t “healthy” for me to see it. I asked him why and so he said, ok he would. But he never did. We left for vacation and I was still very intrigued about this e-mail. Finally during our vacation, my youngest son pointed out that his Dad’s computer is open. So when he took the children out to eat (I chose to stay in the hotel room) I opened his computer. I saw the e-mail- not just one but 3 o4 4. One of which is her lamentation that she was so sick when she found out it their US divorce wasn’t recognized in her home country. “I’m sick!” she said in her e-mail. Well so am I!

Well, it didn’t just end there in 2 or 3 e-mails. I decided for some unknown spirit whispering in my ear- maybe my guardian angel or the devil himself. I decided to do a search of her name, and there it was, populating the screen was their correspondence dating back to 1998- the same year our first child was born. In that e-mail I found her apologizing to my husband- maybe for what she did to their marriage. And him answering her and exploring why. I found out in those exchange of e-mails that they’ve been excahnging birthday cards and Christmas cards even prior to us getting married. I also found out he’s been taking care of her fianances left over here by giving her our mutual financial advisor. Reading those e-mails really gave me a different picture of my husband whom I gave my trust, loyalty, fidelity all the years I’ve known him. I found out he’s been updating her with the events in his life- from their mutual friends (friends I never knew were so close to her), relatives and out children. What is absent from his stories to her? ME! Never once was I mentioned in the e-mails. I feel like this non-existent person who just gave birth to his sons. Never once was I acknowledged in his e-mails to her. Never once did she ask about me either. They were in their world that I wasn’t  a part of.

Worst e-mail I found was dated in 2008 when he told her he still considers her home country his home and how much he misses it. It felt like I was stabbed so many times with this statement. I recalled the times I’ve told him he was  and my children are my home and that I will go wherever he goes.

When I confronted him about the e-mails, he called me controlling and that I had no business getting in his work computer. When I said I will go back to the States and cut my vacation and let him explain to the kids why, he begged forgiveness and asked me to stay. He said he made a mistake. He said his friends told him he should remain friends with his ex. He had all sorts of excuses, but I couldn’t forgive him for lying to me for 19 years. He tricked me into marrying him believing that he can detach himself from his ex. He hasn’t cut off his co-dependeny with her and I believe that’s why it took her long to file the divorce papers in her country.

I don’t think I can ever forgive my husband. I’m staying with him for the children right now because our youngest child was very upset about the possibility of breaking up.

My advise to you young women out there: DON’T accept a man’s promise at face value. Make sure, they can actually live up to it. It’s very painful to be deceived.

 

 

Post # 48
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - White Point Garden, Charleston, SC

Fiance is like BFF status with the girl he dated right before me. I’m not comfortable with it and it’s caused arguments, but it’s never going to change so I try to shut up and forget about it. But at the end of day it really bothers me. I’ve just learned I’ll never win and I know she has no bad intentions.

Post # 49
Member
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014


I only have one serious ex (and he’s not on FB), but I’m still FB friends with pretty much every guy I’ve dated. Contact is mostly happy birthday, congrats of marriage/new job/kid/etc wall posts a few times a year, but there’s one I still consider a good friend. If my Boyfriend or Best Friend told me I couldn’t be friends with him anymore, he wouldn’t be my Boyfriend or Best Friend. Not because the friends means more to me, but I would hurt that he couldn’t trust me. I would feel controlled. I would feel that he was saying that nothing in my life before him mattered. Fortunately, my Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t care who I’m friends with. On my end, it doesn’t bother me that he’s FB friends with at least two exs. I mean they’re exs for a reason. I’d be more cautious about a shiny new female friend over someone he tried to have a relationship with in the past and it didn’t work.

Obviously, if our respective friends made inappropriate overtures, I would expect that those friendships would have to be ended. And I do think as partners we should be introduced to the friends and invited to social situations involving them.

The OP and her husband seem to have resolved this situation, but I just wanted to say that respect goes both ways–respecting the relationship, but also respecting your partner as an individual that had a life, relationships and friendships before you came along and respecting that your partner wants to be trusted.

Post # 50
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I am pretty okay with Fiance being facebook friends with his ex. Although once, she messaged him and said “i just commented on you’re wall bc you forgot im alive“…. and i got pretty jealous… Now I am trying to find the comment lol 

Post # 51
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I really think this situation is different for everyone.

My SO still keeps in contact, via an occasional phone call, with his ex of 3 years (they’ve been apart for over 4 years now). He was open about it. And I was fine with it. At the time we met, I was trying to be the bigger person with my own ex, and remain friendly even though he was not the best boyfriend as he was very immature. I didnt’ want to go the “hate him” route. So I gave it a go, and obviously believed simple contact between exes is okay.

Ironically, a year later, my SO still keeps contact with his ex, although less frequently. And I encourage him to feel free to.  They were many years apart in age and didn’t have the same priorities. She doesn’t live close. And I trust him completely. 

I think I’m very okay with it because, as odd as this sounds, I wish my ex wasn’t a stranger. I don’t want to see him and certainly never be with him again, but we were compatible people with a lot in common. A once or twice a year quick phone chat would have been something I would have enjoyed. I didn’t get that. I am glad my SO is able to be civil and have non-romantic feelings for his ex. Just because someone isn’t meant to be with someone else, doesn’t mean they have to hate the person. I find it refreshing. As long as there is honesty and trust within the current relationship.

Post # 52
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

The key word is HONESTY. I didn’t get that from my husband.

Post # 53
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

@ejs4y8: 

I think it all depends on the matter but yes I would wonder why one of them is suddenly interested in his life. I had the same problem, as regards to ex’s and FB so this was my experience and how I dealt with it.

My SO had a hell of a crazy ex. They never even slept together so I never considered her as an ex. She was a virgin (at 22) I did find this a little odd (If it wasn’t by choice). But my SO told me she was very socialy awkward and he was her first “boyfriend”. They would stay at one anothers houses and kiss but no sex ever happened. They were “together” about 4 months and the only things that kept them together was thier love for music.
Anyway my SO broke up with her and then moved back to the UK. Anyway she would occassionally post on his wall and it did bother me because I got the impression that she was only doing so to get on my nerves because of the things she would post. They were piontless and daft, it just seemed like she was saying “I’m Here!!” , so if this is the vibe your getting, your probably right and I would talk to you Darling Husband about it. Because my instincts were right.

I knew they emailed as they were friends (which didn’t phase me) but then she announced she was flying to UK to see him. Too far fetched, He told me and said he wasn’t happy about it. Crazy bells rang. She knew he had Girlfriend. Then she started sex texting him which was ridiculous because it was a sexless relationship. In the end SO cut all contact with her.

My advice is if your uncomfortable speak up before one turns up because “Im just his friend”, if you have a icky feeling about something trust it.  Don’t let it get as far as me and my SO did. Nip it in the bud ASAP.  I kept on telling myself I was daft because I didnt want to be “That girl”
but turns out I was right all along x

Post # 54
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

This is just FB right?  I mean he’s not sneaking off to meet with them?

Dh has two of his ex’s on there and I’m sure if his ex-WIFE wanted to friend him, he would do it.  I frankly don’t have a problem with it.  Darling Husband has alot of girls on his FB and if I spent my time worrying about his FB messages I’d get nothing done.  He doesn’t txt them or talk to them on the phone so i really could care less if they FB.

Post # 55
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Nope.

Post # 56
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Nope – my fiance loathes Facebook – has never had FB and refuses to get FB. He is not friends with any ex’s. Thank goodness. He is not enemies with them either, which is good, they have moved on or away.

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