- 8 years ago
It’s interesting how a lot of women here say that their spouses shouldn’t maintain friendships with their exes unless approved by their current partners or spouses. I wish my husband was wise enough to do this and also the friends/relatives that encourage him to do otherwise.
When I met my husband 19 years ago, he was 39 and divorced. I was only 24 and very inexperienced. I hesitated to date a divorced man but since he didn’t have any children with his ex, plus the ex lived outside of the country, I gave it a chance. There were red flags that I ignored like photos still around, and some of his friends who still ask about her in front of me and basically hail this woman as perfect and as if I had anything to do with their break-up. I didn’t even know this woman. On top of that, my husband’s father called me the ex’s name on several occasions. You would think that my husband would be wise enough to “protect” me from these people but he didn’t even say anything or at least keep me from these people. Anyway, I am to blame because I went ahead with the relationship, fell badly for the guy. I dated him for a year and we got engaged for another year. It was important for me to get married in my church so I requested my husband to file for annulment and so it was granted and we got married in my church. He promised me then that his last contact with his ex was when the annulment was granted. He married his ex-wife in Europe and I asked if they ever filed for divorce there. He said he couldn’t file it because he wasn’t a citizen of the country where they married and it was the responsibility of the woman to file it. He said after he established residency back here in the States when his company moved him back, he filed it. He said his ex left him for 2 years while they were living in her home country because she got reconnected with her former boyfriend. This unresolved issue about his marriage in a foreign country made me uncomfortable, but yet I married him because he is legally divorced here in the States and his marriage was also annuled in my church.
It’s funny because I’m a firm believer of intuition now and this situation just proved it. During our marriage I had dreams about this woman being with my husband and every time I tell my husband about it, he dismissed me as controlling his thoughts to a point of almost calling me a lunatic and jealous wife.
This year in spring, my husband came to me and told me that he finally received an e-mail from his ex, requesting papers to file for divorce in her home country. When I asked when he received this e-mail, I found out it had been a week since the date. I wondered what the hesitation was. I asked him where she got his e-mail address. He said she could have possibly found out about it from her sister who also worked in the same company as he does. I asked to see the e-mail. He told me it wasn’t “healthy” for me to see it. I asked him why and so he said, ok he would. But he never did. We left for vacation and I was still very intrigued about this e-mail. Finally during our vacation, my youngest son pointed out that his Dad’s computer is open. So when he took the children out to eat (I chose to stay in the hotel room) I opened his computer. I saw the e-mail- not just one but 3 o4 4. One of which is her lamentation that she was so sick when she found out it their US divorce wasn’t recognized in her home country. “I’m sick!” she said in her e-mail. Well so am I!
Well, it didn’t just end there in 2 or 3 e-mails. I decided for some unknown spirit whispering in my ear- maybe my guardian angel or the devil himself. I decided to do a search of her name, and there it was, populating the screen was their correspondence dating back to 1998- the same year our first child was born. In that e-mail I found her apologizing to my husband- maybe for what she did to their marriage. And him answering her and exploring why. I found out in those exchange of e-mails that they’ve been excahnging birthday cards and Christmas cards even prior to us getting married. I also found out he’s been taking care of her fianances left over here by giving her our mutual financial advisor. Reading those e-mails really gave me a different picture of my husband whom I gave my trust, loyalty, fidelity all the years I’ve known him. I found out he’s been updating her with the events in his life- from their mutual friends (friends I never knew were so close to her), relatives and out children. What is absent from his stories to her? ME! Never once was I mentioned in the e-mails. I feel like this non-existent person who just gave birth to his sons. Never once was I acknowledged in his e-mails to her. Never once did she ask about me either. They were in their world that I wasn’t a part of.
Worst e-mail I found was dated in 2008 when he told her he still considers her home country his home and how much he misses it. It felt like I was stabbed so many times with this statement. I recalled the times I’ve told him he was and my children are my home and that I will go wherever he goes.
When I confronted him about the e-mails, he called me controlling and that I had no business getting in his work computer. When I said I will go back to the States and cut my vacation and let him explain to the kids why, he begged forgiveness and asked me to stay. He said he made a mistake. He said his friends told him he should remain friends with his ex. He had all sorts of excuses, but I couldn’t forgive him for lying to me for 19 years. He tricked me into marrying him believing that he can detach himself from his ex. He hasn’t cut off his co-dependeny with her and I believe that’s why it took her long to file the divorce papers in her country.
I don’t think I can ever forgive my husband. I’m staying with him for the children right now because our youngest child was very upset about the possibility of breaking up.
My advise to you young women out there: DON’T accept a man’s promise at face value. Make sure, they can actually live up to it. It’s very painful to be deceived.