Post # 1
Rant starts here….
So, my SO and I are informally engaged – we’ve planned alot about our wedding but I don’t have a ring yet and we’re not set in ‘Wedding Mode’ yet because we’re business focused right now – we’re both entrepreneurs working on a business project and the next four months are crucial for it’s success.
We’re in the mindset where we’d rather invest money into the business than into buying a ring, the business will pay for a ring later.
My parents are Korean-Australian and they’re feeling social pressure from their Korean church to push a wedding on us (because we’re an unmarried couple living together overseas), even though we’re overseas and not engaged yet. A phone conversation with my mum just now proved they’ve pretty much already put a HUGE deposit on a reception hall already.
The date my mum’s set on is in September this year (that’s 5 months away, ladies!!!) when she knows my SO and I will be travelling back to Sydney for a visit.
I’m scared to death we’ll be getting off the plane and finding out we have a wedding the next day with 100 of random people we’ve never met from my parent’s church.
Anyone else ever been in remotely this sort of situation? If so, how did it pan out?
Post # 3
uhhhh. I have never heard of anything like this happening.
So you think that your parents are basically surprising you with a wedding when you fly home for a visit? That is…..kinda crazy. Is it even legal? I have no idea about Australia, but in many places you have to register for a license and there’s a waiting period and they need signatures/IDs/witnesses/paperwork before a wedding is legal. Perhaps they’re thinking they’ll do a church service but not a legal one??
Either way, you really should discuss with your SO whether or not you want to go through with that if you step off the plane and into a pre-planned wedding. If you two are not cool with it, you need to call your parents immediately, tell them you know and it isn’t happening so they can try to get money back.
Post # 4
MIne actually did something like that. My mom got so excited when my Darling Husband, then boyfriend, asked for their permission, that they booked the church and reception before we were even engaged. It didn’t work out very well when my Darling Husband proposed later than the wanted and everything had to be cancelled. Things worked out in their own time tough, but it took a lot of time the relationship between him and my parents to get better.
If I were you, I’d be really proactive about the situation. Definitely talk to your SO and decide if its something you want to do. If not, talk to your parents immediately. Good luck!
Post # 5
@bearlove: I think their intention is to put a deposit on everything upfront so that SO and I would have to sort of just give in and GET a marriage license so that they don’t lose out on $20,000. Her words to me were ‘you don’t have to worry about planning anything, just fly over and done’. I asked her ‘but what about my friends invites?’ and she was completely stumped. She conveniently forgot SO and I might have friends we’d want to invite, not just her church friends.
She has good intentions, but her crazy church (no offence to other Christians!) is putting crazy peer pressure on her, her entire social group judges her as a bad mother because I chose to move out of the home before being married. Very old school.
I told her i’d need at least a year to lose weight for the wedding, and that kind of shut her up a little, haha.
@lawschool bride: We had a talk just then, he’s up for marriage, but not for a while, he still wants to ask for my dad’s permission and then surprise me with a ring, etc etc. The traditional route. If my mum was intending to surprise us, say, August 2013, that wouldn’t be as scary an issue (though still scary!).
I’m glad things worked out for you! I’m worried about the vice versa, SO forgiving my parents for being so pushy.
Post # 6
My common-law husband and I are in the same situation (or at least in a similar situation). I’m an American Citizen and my Common-law husband is a Canadian. Everyone is demanding that we get married essentially yesterday because my permit expires in two weeks. It’s to the point where his mom has called a friend of her’s which is a Justice of the Peace to find out if he can marry us.
We have a lot of stuff planned out on our wedding but we know we cannot proceed without speaking to all three sets of parents (my parents, his mom & step-dad, and Dad & step-mom) and nor can we proceed until I go back to the States and work more so that we can save up more for our destination wedding. His family loves me and doesn’t want him to lose me so they’re pushing as much as they can for us to get the paperwork done (if we get married, it makes the sponsorship paperwork much easier).
With everyone pushing, we have flat out told everyone that we are getting married on our terms, not on everyone else’s. Any deposits that were made for a wedding in advanced should be considered a write-off because we’re not re-imbersing them and bowing down to everyone else. Also, when you push someone into marriage regardless of reason, there will most likely be feelings of resentment and resentment leads to divorice (my Future Mother-In-Law & Future Father-In-Law got married because she got pregnant with my CLH and that led to a HUGE amount of resentment which ended up getting taken out on my CLH and his brothers). It’s not that my CLH doesn’t want to marry me but he has a set idea of how things should be and he’s not willing to compromise his vision for asking me to marry him (he fears that if he rushes into it, he’ll regret something).
I understand that this sounds easier said than done but you sometimes need to be strong and stand up to your parents. Being that you are Korean-Australian, I understand that standing up to your parents may not be considered “right” in the culture (some cultures won’t allow it) however, it may be what you need to do.
Post # 7
This is the strangest thing I have ever read! Why can’t you just say no? There is no way I’d get married when someone else told me to.
Post # 8
@saberdawn: That’s awesome advice! Your situation sounds so much more complicated than mine with the visa issue, I hope you can either get a renewed one or stay on a visitors visa or something. I hate saying no to my parents, but I think if you had the courage to do it, so should i. 🙂 thanks, luv!
@Pinksapphire: It’s hard to say no because there’s not much reason to support us NOT getting married, you know? Especialy if they’re paying. We’re essentially engaged and pretty much have a wedding planned out, so if my parents did put money down on a place we wouldn’t have a great excuse to just say no. Personally I wouldn’t mind getting married in 2013, but five months sounds impossible and obviously my parents don’t have MY dream wedding in mind.
It’s a cultural issue, moving in with a man before marriage for a Korean Christian family is basically a giant slap in the face. I’ve been living in Canada for almost 2 years now and my parent’s friends back home still think i’m living at my parents house – my parents keep it in secret because its a huge shame on the family in their society’s eyes.
Lol, you can see why I moved out 😛