(Closed) Anything but .. honored to be your MOH

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    927 posts
    Busy bee

    I think you’re being a little bit mean/unfair, but then we’ve all been to the point where a bad roommate drove us to a place of loathing/insanity we wouldn’t normally go.

    I think if for no other reason, it’s not fair of you to take up a spot in her wedding when you have no intention of continuing the relationship with her after it’s over. It’s not fair to her to have to look back on her wedding and see pictures with a maid of honor who she no longer is friends with. Plus obviously it’s way better if you get the heck out of dodge now, and you/your family has to come first. So I would just politely bow out, say you need to focus on your family, and be done with it. If she can’t respect that then it looks bad on her. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    595 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

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    xx0justme :  I was in a similar boat with my cousin.  I wasn’t Thrilled to be Maid/Matron of Honor but she’s blood and I didn’t wantot start trouble, which is also why she’s my Maid/Matron of Honor.

    I was able to be an “absentee” Maid/Matron of Honor for the most part because I lived so far away, and most of the weddings I’ve been in have been absentee MOH’s and I’ve picked up most of the work as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  So if you do decide to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, you can go that route, but she will probably try and manipulate you or call foul and cry about it.  Be prepared for Bridezilla abuse, I definitely got some from my cousin.  And yet I smiled politely and delivered a warm speach.  I did it mainly though because I’m hoping that over time we’ll be able to repair our rift.

    I however would recommend looking into a polite whay to say “no thank you”  it sounds like it will be a nightmare scenario for you.  You need to talk with your husband and figure out a way for you to back out that he is ok with.  Because it’s his family he should be included in this decision.  Because she’s not your blood though, you only have as much obligation as you and your husband agree too. I would insist on this not being something you are expected to do.  At most I would be a bridesmaid.  

    Post # 4
    Member
    670 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

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    xx0justme :  sooo first of all, if you don’t want to be in the wedding drop out and let her put someone else in. 

    Second, having roommates means if you have an issue, you talk it out. It’s just like any other relationship. So if you’ve been just so miserable all this time, did you at any point tell them (namely, BIL)? Or did you just keep doing all the housework/whatever else and silently resenting them? I think you need to have a house meeting and set up some ground rules, whether you live there for an hour or for a year. 

    Third, if this is no longer a good living situation and you and your husband can afford to live without roommates, I would give them notice (60 days minimum) and start looking for a different housing situation. 

    I think you’re probably at that point where you’ve thought about how much you hate her for so long that now everything she does grates on your nerves. She could load the dishwasher and I’m pretty sure you’d feel like she did it wrong and be mad about that. We’ve all been there. But it’s hurting you, not her.

    So you probably need to let go of any long-standing resentment (is it helping the situation?), you need to let HER and your Brother-In-Law worry about whether they should get married (not your problem), and you need to focus on fixing your household together as much as you can for the remainder of however long you live there. Sitting here being mad all day because you’re unhappy, while not doing anything to improve your situation, is ridiculous.

    Your mental health and the happiness of your family is priority…so take steps to improve that. She’ll probably be upset (if she’s fragile as you say) no matter WHAT you do so why not make your life easier?

    Post # 5
    Member
    13646 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    You added her when it was your turn because she’s going to be your SIL, not because someone dropped out. At least it’s not supposed to work that way. BMs are not props. 

    That said, I would have no relationship with someone who made it look like you were bullying her on FB, so the point would be moot. 

    Assuming this terrible incident was somehow resolved, other than the dress, you should have few financial obligations to this wedding. They live with you so I assume no travel or accommodations are needed. And if you can’t afford or don’t wish to host a shower that is optional. 

    I would not put my life on hold. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    10286 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Wait, she:

    “She has tried, on a few occasions, to sabotage my reputation by making multiple social media accounts to bully herself and frame me.” 

     

    And you are still her Maid/Matron of Honor and living with her? Do you have proof that she did this? This is very odd. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    155 posts
    Blushing bee

    You clearly loathe and resent this woman, whatever her faults. Is it fair for you to bring that energy to her wedding? It would be the kindest thing for you BOTH at this point to drop out as Maid/Matron of Honor and let her appoint someone who cares. 

     

    Why do you want to maintain a relationship anyway with someone you so clearly hate?

    Post # 8
    Member
    975 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I might be the odd one out here but she’s going to be family. I assume Brother-In-Law and your DH are close if you all live together. Personally, I’d suck it up and fufill my Maid/Matron of Honor obligations. I’d move out ASAP on good terms. I don’t know how your family is but we all get togther on holidays and camp together.  How much are you going to have to see this person in the future? That’s something to think about.

    Post # 9
    Member
    6349 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Hang on…she made fake social media accounts with your name and then bullied herself with them?! And you still live together and are “friends?” How on earth did this work out?

    Also, where is your husband in all of this? You make it sound like you’re 100% taking care of this entire household. What about him? Has he even tried to talk to his brother? 

    Post # 12
    Member
    851 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    You had her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man for a very crappy reason.. sorry BM’s aren’t props and if someone dropped out you shouldn’t replace them.

     

    Also why you agreed to be a Maid/Matron of Honor for a girl who did all this I don’t know.. there is dozens of posts about this and why time ad time again girls agree to being in a wedding of a person they don’t like and then spend time complainig is beyond me.

    Do yourselves both a favor and drop out.

    Post # 13
    Member
    10286 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    xx0justme :  you lived with her for four years after she did that? The issue here is a lot deeper than being her Maid/Matron of Honor. 

    You cant fix relationships by being in someone’s wedding. You and your Fiance need to sit down, stop rugsweeping this craziness, and make a plan that protects your relationship and yourselves from this person. 

    Move out. Priority #1. 

    Distances selves. #2

    Long term Fade #3

    none of these involve being in her wedding.

    When you are confused, the facts can lead the way. Take feeling out and look at the facts. This woman is not a good influence. She’s a liar. She has tried to ruin your reputation. Wtf. Get away from her, protect yourself. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    155 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    xx0justme :  You don’t hate her, you just hate everything about her, her personality, and everything she says/does. Got it.

     

    Think of it this way: you’ll probably have a better relationship with her the less you see of her. Unless you want to “become family” by immediately starting the relationship off hating her guts and wishing ill on her wedding, why do you think that being Maid/Matron of Honor will improve anything?

     

    If you were her, would you want a Maid/Matron of Honor who is so openly hostile towards your relationship/life choices/etc? Go back and read what you wrote about her. Now imagine someone saying all those things to your face. Would you want that person as your closest confidant for your wedding?

     

    You chose her as Bridesmaid or Best Man for a bogus reason, but that can’t be undone. Cut both of your losses, say something has come up, and gracefully bow out.

    Post # 15
    Member
    7268 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    dafuq did I just read? You can’t afford to move out of an intolerable living situation because of the expenses you’ve incurred for being Maid/Matron of Honor for the very person who is making your living situation intolerable? You live with 3 other adults and still do all the housework? This bitch tried to “frame” you for bullying her? 

    Time to stop being a passive participant in your own life. If even half of this is true, it sounds like you are letting almost every person in your life walk all over you. Tell your husband it has to stop now. Refuse to spend another dime on this wedding, drop out of it if you have to, and move into your own apt. The Maid/Matron of Honor situation is the least of your worries here.

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