Post # 1
I posted a while ago on this thread but will also tell quickly what happened if you don’t want to read it/didn’t read it:
I have a little update and need some further advice. Long story short, my boyfriend of four years ended our relationship when he cheated on me and left me for the other girl. This was shortly after making plans for us to get a place together and get married. He broke up with me by phone and text, and basically ghosted on me. I couldn’t get a hold of him to talk about it or anything. Right after the breakup I did email him to tell him how hurt I was (email seemed to be the only way as he wouldn’t take my calls or respond to texts) and he wrote back but brushed off a lot of what I said. I wrote him back a second time, and he never responded and I didn’t hear from him for over two months.
I was doing okay, not great but slowly hoping to move on with my life. Earlier this week I got an email from him apologizing, saying I didn’t deserve that treatment, that I was the mature one in the breakup, and he was “cruel and heartless” (which he was). I was so confused about what it meant, wondered if it was a tactic to get back together, etc. I finally texted him and said that I got his email and didn’t really know how to respond but that I appreciate the fact that he feels he needs to apologize. He said “you don’t need to respond” and then made some small talk, followed by “okay I’ll let you go now”. so I took the opportunity to ask, “why did you feel the need to apologize now?” and he just said he felt I deserved it and he knows what he did was sleazy and he isn’t really sure why now after a few months he wanted to apologize.
As horribly as he treated me and as good as I was doing in trying to get over him, I feel like this has put a huge dent in my progress. I know it’s stupid but part of me was hoping he wanted to get back together (NOT that I would necessarily say yes, I have no idea why, but part of me was hoping for that so I could make that decision…maybe I’m crazy). I guess it just made me realize I’m not totally over him and I miss him and I’m sad over all our years that we lost. It made me feel sadder than I’ve felt in a long long time. I don’t get why he’d do this – doesn’t he know it would just hurt all over again? Am I back to square one with getting over him? Lately I’ve felt so sad that I won’t ever find someone who I click with the way we did in the begining and for all those years that we did love each other. I’ve met a few guys but haven’t felt much of a connection, despite them being nice. I just miss him more now despite his stupidity and I feel lost. Any words of advice would be so appreciated. Thanks Bees!
Post # 2
Let yourself heal. As in…block him 100%. Delete his number. Block him on social media. Delete his email address. No contact. Zero. Zilch. No contact with other guys either. Just BE. Be sad. Be angry. Be frustrated. Eventually you will find you aren’t thinking of him as much. Once a day, once a week, once a month. You won’t ever truly forget him and you know what? That’s ok. He was a big part of your life. I still think about my ex from time to time and wondering what his life is like and if he ever matured after we broke up (I doubt it but you never know 😉 ). He still crosses my mind on his birthday and our anniversary date despite the fact that I am in a happy and healthy marriage to a man who I adore and who adores me.
Don’t date again right away. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to readjust to this new life without your ex and be single. I know a lot of people say “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” but I firmly disagree. It isn’t healthy and really isn’t fair to that other person if you’re still not over your ex. Being comfortable single is great too because it helps you achieve independence and it helps you to get comfortable with who YOU are. It is OK to be single. It truly is. This is going to take a while to get over…sounds like this was a very difficult break up…and that’s ok too. Just take your time.
Also, read “It’s Called a Break Up Because It’s Broken”. That book literally changed my perspective on why break ups happen and why my ex and I (together 3 1/2 years) were never meant to be.
If you need someone to vent to feel free to message me. I am (unfortunately?) a pro at getting over break ups. 🙂
Post # 3
He is feeling guilty about how he treated you and in his mind, apologizing gets him off the hook, or at least makes him feel less bad. His apology has everything to do with HIM and nothing to do with YOU. Please take ljm308:
‘s advice and block him. He cheated on you and is trying to be the “nice guy” now and apologize. You deserve better!
Post # 4
He’s apologizing to make himself feel better, not you. He’s still an asshole.
Post # 5
“doesn’t he know it would just hurt all over again?” either a) yes, absolutely, and he’s testing you for weak spots where he can wriggle his way back into your head or b) no, because the ‘apology’ is not for you–it’s to assuage his own guilt for his shitty behavior. Totally selfish and maturbatory either way.
Tell him to stick it back where it came from/lose your number/kick rocks.
Post # 6
You should’ve known two years ago when you caught him sexting with an ex and told you he was taking another girl to a wedding as a date. The *right* guy doesn’t do this to you. The *right* guy doesn’t cheat (if you’re monogomous, I think this is a firm line). The *right* guy doesn’t do things that make you question your feelings and your relationship.
I had to learn the hard way too. Back and forth with my first love for 5 years. Don’t know why I didn’t open my eyes that WOW – he is not the one for me, this is not what it’s supposed to feel like! Oh yeah.. because I loved him. Love is a tricky thing. You can want it to work so badly, but it’s not meant to be. He was actually right on that one. He wanted to move home and she was the easy choice. Now believe that YOUR *right* guy is coming, because he is.
Post # 7
I guess I disagree with most other posts. He doesn’t feel guilty at all. Not even a little bit.
Guys like this, guys who would keep their long term girlfriends hanging while they test the waters with a new piece of ass? Those guys don’t feel guilt, they toss scraps, it’s called a “breadcrumb”.
When a dumper dumps you and senses that you are just starting to move on and get better (tends to be around the 8 week mark), they toss out one of these. They don’t want you back, they want the ego trip of you pining over them. The security of you being an option still. This guy seems to love doing that.
It’s standard operating procedure for this type of person. It will make a dent in your recovery if you allow it by responding. Just remember this, he knows this was all his decision and in his control, he knows if he wanted to fix this he could. He could come right out and say, I made a terrible mistake and I can’t live with out you, but he’s not. If he wanted you back you wouldn’t be wondering if he wants you back, you’d know.
Post # 8
He’s not thinking of you. He’s thinking of himself, the rat.
I suspect that he has a very tiny bit of a conscience and he’s trying to get rid of any uncomfortable feelings. Either that or he just wants to make sure that you are still there for him so that he can safely ignore you while feeling slightly smug.
He’s much too cowardly to do any apologising face with some genuine contrition. He’s a weak vacillating creature who prefers chasing and cheating on women to sustaining a real relationship. He isn’t worth another moment of your time.
You sound young and you need to go out and enjoy yourself a little.
So block him from emailing and change your mobile number. Don’t contact him and if he tries to communicate with you don’t reply.
Post # 9
You’ve got some great advice already so all I’m going to say is that I agree, he doesn’t actually want you back, he either wants to make himself feel better and/or test to see if you’re still pining over him. You can do so much better!!!!
Been there, done that, don’t make the same mistake!
Post # 10
My ex husband cheated and left me 9 years ago. We have a daughter together, so I’ve kept in touch with his family who are wonderful. I’ve remained close with his sister and she called me last year to tell me she was going through an almost exact same scenario with her husband that I had with her brother. She just needed s sympathetic ear.
Anyway, later that week my ex husband texts me and says “I really appreciate you talking with ‘sister’ when she is going through this. She doesn’t deserve this, just like you never deserved what I did to you”.
While I knew that he had regrets, I had never had him come out about it like that. I know it wasn’t a ploy- I’m remarried and so is he (presumably happily). Sometimes I think it takes some time and perspective to have people realize what they have done and how their actions affected you.
I can’t say whether or not your ex is truly sorry or was just trying to clear his conscience. And he doesn’t know where you are at in your process of getting over him- so perhaps he had no idea you would feel worse. You have every right to disregard his apology and just ignore it. You wouldn’t want him back just because he’s sorry anyway. Don’t dwell on him. Trust there are better things in store for you ahead!
Post # 11
I in some way agree that the guy does it to make himself feel better but I also believe their regret can be genuine.
I fell really hard for a player type a while ago, he was a jerk, cheated but never had the guts to break up so said we would ‘take a break’. Long story short, I had to make the call to block him and not communicate because I couldnt move on. A long time later, he got some pretty crap treatment from his gf and had some realisation that it sucks to get played. He admitted all this and said he couldnt be more sorry because now he knows how it feels and he hated that he did that to me because he did care. It messed with my emotions for sure, but we both knew we wouldnt be getting back together.
So, shit behaviour for sure. Maybe trying to be manipulative, but maybe genuinely not knowing how it felt until it happened to him. Either way, take it for what it is, try not to overthink it and try to move on 🙂
Post # 12
He doesn’t feel guilty. He isn’t “apologizing” for real to make himself or you feel better. What’s he doing? He’s bored and wants your attention. He wants to know that you’re still pining after him. That he’s so fantastic that even after treating you like shit he can come back around months later, say a few fake words, and have you begging for hi back again.
This wasn’t an apology, it was an ego boost. Why do you think he kept the small talk going? He was fishng for you to keep longing after him. He’s not sorry, he’s a jerk. Next time delete his emails and block his number. Talking to him will only ever benefit him, not you. DOn’t feed hs ego.
Post # 13
He was an ass to send you an apology. It was selfish and done to relieve his own guilt, he wasn’t thinking about you at all. Don’t buy it. You’re doing just fine without hum. If he messages again, or tries to contact you, ignore him. Better yet, block him from everything. It hurts because he reopened those wounds. It will get better. You will be okay!
Post # 14
I had an ex boyfriend who did the same thing, it was like he had some kind of radar and knew when my life was going well and I was getting over him so he’d email or text and try and apologize/ask how I was doing/tell me how much he missed me etc. Basically just make contact with me in order to keep me “on the hook” so to speak. My advice is to block his number, block his email, block him on social media and do not respond if he attempts to make contact any other way. It will just make things worse for you. Even if there is some small chance he is being sincere it doesn’t change anything and it will only keep making you feel worse and you will not be able to get over him. The only way to really move on is forget about him completely and break all contact.
Post # 15
Your ego is talking.So what if he wanted to come back?You shouldn’t want that type of validation from him.He apologized because it made him feel better.It is of no value to you.He made his choice.He treated you like shit. Would you want him after he went elsewhere and decided to fall back on you simply because it didn’t work out for her?You will have settled for far second best.A man who thinks you are the end all be all would not have made that choice. Let go of the hope.It’s the first step in truly letting go.